The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't have an official sponsor yet so I'm not sure where to turn.
Just talked to my H, who stated non-chalantly that he was going to a condo opening next week. There will be alcohol there and possibly some of the people who influence him to use. I am terrified. But I did not say anything, I just held my tongue and let it go.
So I didn't say that I didn't think that was a good idea (which is what I usually would have done). So now what? Here I sit thinking about the way I acted towards him 3 years ago, which is exactly how I acted today. Never concerned for where he went or what he did. But that was why he had the affair, because he did not have any boundaries and could do whatever he wanted. (He said that himself). Which just so happened to start at a condo opening.
So here I sit. Thinking about how he could drink, do drugs, or sleep with someone else next week. But I refuse to say anything. "I am not his mommy" I keep chanting this. But the fear is there. I don't want to go through that kind of pain again.
Someone please help me work through this. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want him to have this much power over my sanity. I need something to help me detach from this. I need to know that giving up the control over this situation is not exposing myself to more pain.
I think there is a difference between acting like you did before and being over protective and now by being caring and concerned. I see your point and understand where you are coming from but I also don't see anything wrong with voicing your concern either. I would tell my ah "I'm not in control over you but I do want you know I care about you and I hope you think about me when your in that situation and know I will be concerned for you, I know it's going to be a testing situation for you and I wish you the best of luck. Your a strong man" I think this lays out that you trust him, your concerned for him, you will be thinking of him and you also give him credit that he'll make the right desision. You do what's best for you and I wish you the best of luck too. ;) You're in my prayers ^i^
Mosaic: Is your H active or is he in a recovery program?? I looked at your posts and didn't see that you had shared that with us. I am sorry if I missed it, but I am asking because I think that it is relevant to the question you have asked.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I can empathize with you. If it were me, one thing i've learned is to express my feelings. If this were me and I was feeling afraid, I may say to my A, "This may sound silly to you, but I am feeling afraid by your going to the condo opening." Honest communication is healthy. You're right we have no control over them nor should we want to and our As need to be able to resist temptations and find what works for them.
I wish you luck however you handle the situation. Hug to you!
Unfortunately, detaching doesn't mean that you stop feeling. It means that you accept that regardless of what you do or say, the A is untimately going to do whatever they choose to do in spite of you and everything. That doesn't mean they always choose the wrong path, but there is not really anything we can do to sway them one way or the other.
This whole concept is very hard to wrap one's mind around. It takes a lot of trial and error to reach acceptance. I have been in the program for over a year and am just reaching that point. I have found this board to be the best place to express my feelings regarding my AH's behavior, it usually just makes things worse if I approach him about it, and it never changes anything. Use the program, pray if you have the desire, find something fun to occupy your mind.
It is very difficult to "Let Go & Let God" and to let our loved ones walk the path that that they have to walk.
When you think about it though, he doesn't have to go to a condo opening to be exposed to alcohol, let's just think about some other places he is exposed to alcohol like:
the grocery store the gas station Wal-Mart watching TV or Movies Billboards restaurants and in most places there is a bar around ever corner
In my understanding of the disease and also what I have heard other A's share, that it is not so much about the outside influences as it is about what is going on inside themselves.
So, that is about him - Let see what to do about you - My suggestions would be attending meetings, reading literature, keep posting here, conscious contact with your HP and most of all make plans for the night of the condo opening.
Maybe make plans were you will be occupied with something else, so that you won't be sitting, wringing your hands worried about what he is doing. (not that you would do that, but that's what I did prior to recovery - lol)
Hope you are able to take good care of you.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
He is actively in a 12 step Recovery program for narcotics. He is not an A, but alcohol leads to very harmful behavior, including using drugs, so not drinking is part of his recovery.
I feel better today. I know that I can only worry about me, worrying about him won't do anything but make me miserable.
Thank yo so much for the kind words. It will be a rough night, but I will find a way to handle it appropraitely.
I just wanted to say cudos on planning to handle that night appropraitely. Me, I plan to handle things in a most inappropraite way, then I usually do not do what I am thinking I will do. But there have been many times where once the thought pops into my head, I feel that I have to act on it. I think that is my addiction or co-dependency. Also, I have delt with the infidelity. I told my A what made me uncomfortable and why just so there was no question as to what we were dealing with in our relationship. I never wanted him to say "well, I didn't know. I can't read your mind!" again. So, I made sure that if I wanted our marriage to work, I had to do my best to communicate. I had expectations that this would then make him communicate. That was not the case. So, whatever you decide, speak to him about your feelings and fears or not, remember that expectations are just pre-meditated resentments.
That is why I am not telling him how I feel. Telling him only makes me assume that a) he is listening b) cares and c) will be considerate of that, when these are all just set-ups for my own disappointment.
