The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The good news is that the A and the dogs now have a place to live. The bad news is that I will probalby not get to see my dogs till the end of the month. I simply can't do the gas to go see them after all the expenses I have had.
The bad news is also that I continue to live with the fall out around the active alcoholics in my house. The landlord needless to say can't simply click his fingers to get them out. In some ways they are not going to move since they paid a huge deposit and he is probably not going to give it back.
My housemates continue to fall apart over this issue. I was told last night that my dogs can't go to the house anymore because people have complalined. I know I have come a long long long way because I did not fall apart over that news or go into a tailspin of resentment. I know this litnay of complaints by my housemates about my cats, dogs, visitors, use of the kitchen, hours, plants (I moved them out of the party zone) it is the active fall out from the alcoholic acting out. None of them know me and I have no need to take their acting out personally and I don't one minute at a time. Last Sunday the active alcoholics made so much noise in the early morning with their partying that no one got to sleep in then they had lots of people over all day and made a huge mess of the house. I know I was worn out from witnessing it for a few minutes and people feel they have no psychological space around it so they act out by complaining about everything and everyone.
When I can detach which is rare ( I realy don't practice enough) I know I am a far more attractive person. One housemate (one who doesn't complain all the time) who I had not spoken to before started talking to me yesterday.... He had never wanted to engage with me before. I know I can give of the vibe of angry martyr in a second. I can pretend its noble but I know its not very attractive to others.
What is fueling me right now is that my dogs are moving to a much much better place than I lived with the A. They like the countryside. They love the smell and they love being able to explore new territory. This place really just fell in my lap after a lot of concerted looking. I know I am also hugely relieved the A is no longer sleeping in the truck on the street. His problems are far from over but he has a shot with a roof over his head and that's about all I can do for now. I have my own issues which I really do now need to focus on exclusively. Like any codependent, I am far far better at taking care of others than I am of even considering what I need to eat for lunch.
I'll just have to bury myself in purposeful activity until the beginning of the month when I can spend tiem with them again. I will see my dogs in a happy, carefree setting and know they are in doggy ectasy. I can live with that. My life doesn't have to have everything in place right now. I can live someplace difficult for a while unitl I put the next phase of my life together. I may not like it but I can live with it.
I may well go to live there in time but right now the commute would not be feasible for me.
Right now I'm staying where I am. In time I may go there. May is the operative word because my priority is of course to keep working, get my debt down and have some choices.
I certainly havent given the A the ideal situation there are a lot of "issues' with this setting and he is going to have to sort them out without me. That means he won't be working for a few days at least. I don't have that luxury. He had to make that choice because he really can't stay living in a truck.
My priority right now is to keep working. The logistics of where he has moved to right now would prevent me from doing that. I have to say in the past I would have dove into the chaos and not left it to him. So I am making improvements. I know my limits. I also know that I really don't like where I am living right now with the chaos there either.
So for once I am actually taking care of me. I know it doesnt sound like it. I don't actually want to post a great missive about what the living situation is there but its far from idyllic but it is better than sleeping in the truck.
I know this may sound like I gave the shirt off my back to the A. I have not. I have made huge efforts to say no to him. I said no last night to paying the cell phone bill. I know my limits.
There are many many reasons why I chose to help the A. One is that I could not get my truck out from under him. Another is my dogs.
This time I did not help the A at the expense of myself. I am going to continue to take care of me. I was generous with the A but I turned down his requests for hotel rooms, gymn membership whatever. I let him work some of this stuff out. I did not jump in and "save" him.
He has lost a great deal as a result of this issue. I think he learned from it. I hope so.
I also learned that I am not a martyr or a saint and I have limits and I need to say them.
For me boundary is something I work on day and night irregardless of the A.
((((Maresie)))) Keep on keepin' on, my friend. Sounds like the worst is over (I pray)!! Some day, you will be able to look back on all this and wonder how you made it, but you MADE IT!! I am still praying for you, with Love, TLC
I am planning on the next 3 weeks to solely focus on me and what I need to do. My finances are in tatters and I am determined not to fall in a funk about it. There is plenty I can do without money.
Thanks for all your support, care and understanding.
