The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Often times I hear questions of "How do I forgive?" "What is the difference between amends and apologies?" "How do I get my loved one to make amends?" I thought today's reading was fantastic. I also thought it made me recall a time when I was baffled by Al anon's paradox: if you want a new life, start with you; if you want happiness, change your prospective; when I change the way I look at things, the things I look at change. I remember this reading, specifically, about apologies, stung at one time: taking accountability for your own behavior may not change anyone else, but it will change you. I couldn't get over it: couldn't these people see that, ultimately, I was the one suffering because of these sick people I was living with? why on earth was I the one that needed to apologize to them? The kick in the teeth is that they were right! Consistently, over time, I've come to see that owning my part, making amends, apologizing for my behavior has given me the relief, serenity, and release from insanity I'd sought by creating insane behavior in the disease. Paradoxes live on, but my disease doesn't have to if I live in the solution.
The one lesson my dad taught me: If you're going to do anything in life, do it right. --Monty Cralley
Our parents may have had a way of instructing that often bordered on shaming us. No matter what we might remember about it, or them, they meant well. Their own experiences colored how they parented us. This pattern was probably played out in our own parenting, too. We all did the best we could. None of us did a perfect job. But now that we have the time to contemplate the past, we might want to consider forgiving our parents if we still harbor any grudges. Or we might want to make amends to our children or other family members if we are able to see our own failings now.
We made tons of mistakes getting to an older age. Some were intentional; most were not. Do we have to redress all of them? Actually, we don't even have to acknowledge any of them. But if we do, we'll feel far better about ourselves and we'll have helped to break the cycle of the poor parenting we might have experienced.
We all have a chance to do something significant in life. This doesn't have to mean inventing a tool or a drug that will help millions of people. It's really quite easy. Smile at a stranger today, for starters. Consider putting aside an old grudge. Apologize for an unkind action.
I can do something really important today. Am I willing to examine how I treat other people?
This post really had me thinking about how I was parented when I did something wrong or offended them or someone else. It was so shame based and I hated feeling that way. Taking responsibility that I've hurt someone has been a shortcoming of mine. I realize now its because I hated the way I felt as a kid when I upset my parents, or someone close to me. I felt like a piece of crap and my father in particular did a great number on spreading on the Jewish guilt big time!! I would say that it left me with an immaturity about how to make a amends, apologies, or forgive other's. If someone slighted me I'd hold onto that hurt and anger for so long, even would try to seek out revenge in some way. As I work through this part of my recovery I am finding relief in forgiving my parents and those who hurt me, but also taking ownership of how I might of hurt other's too. It is a freeing feeling to honestly look at my part and feel some remorse, not guilt, but to say I'm sorry I said that or did that some years ago, or when ever it was. For me, its genuine, not just smoothing it over but being honest about it. Thank you for sharing this with us today.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
