The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well this is an honest programme and this is how I feel, drink wasn't the sole cause of all our realtionship problems, it made them worse but take the drink away and still I think I married a person with a lot of problems, for all the 27 years I struggled with active alcholism I never really understood what I was dealing with, and when I found Alanon my H put down the drink, you would think I would be ecstatic, well bewildered would better descibe it, frightened, confused, those active drinking years were the years we became parents, our two children grew and developed in a disfuctional home, it's a blessing I can actually acknowledge that now, but I can, and for that I am truly greatful. Sobriety is very complex, I am not sure what I am aloud to say, not sure what's acceptable behaviour and not even quite sure waht is left to achieve as a couple, we never biult a home togther, never had a house full of laughter, never took pride in our children when they achieved, it was just me a lone parent doing the best I could at the time, I can't say I feel any resentment about that really,it was just how it was, but still my house is not a home, I have no clue how to introduce normality into it, or if it is possible to do so, I keep thinking this is too little too late, then I feel guilty for not appreciating that he stopped drinking at all, so many emotions,feeling's, Those years broke my heart time after time, why did it take me so long to find help? I think I might be in denile at what I really do feel deep down, maybe the hurt run's too deep within me, is this normal to feel so mixed up?
It is completly normal to feel mixed up. There are many readings in One Day At A Time, Courage To Change, and Hope For Today that cover those feelings. What we go thru when the A finally gets some sobriety and how it affects us in unexpected ways about how to deal with those feelings and that they are completly normal. You are not alone! What you are feeling is very true. You sound like you are becomming aware of what you are feeling. Keep comming and posting and getting to f2f meetings. Reading the CAL has helped me to know that not only an I not alone, but this disease has affected people for more years than I have been alive, and they recovered and told their story and from that I gather strength and hope. good luck!
So glad you posted this... I don't think there is a thought that you shared that I haven't questioned or thought myself. I feel for me when I really got serious and began working this program for me the denial I was/is in began to change into acceptance and reality. It's like unveiling the plot to a good mystery, once you know the meaning and the truth its very difficult to go back to that place of denial and passivity. You said it best, you did the best you could during those years with what you had. Sobriety is not a walk in the park, my AH has been sober now for almost 60 days, I see some growth and changes but I also still see the "old behaviors", these behaviors have been the real cause of our relationship problems as well as my "old behaviors". The drinking was just a symptom, I can see that now.
I had read that the A cannot go back to the "old idea" of the family because sobriety won't last, so that means that everyone in the home has to make the changes, and I am learning that my changes are taking a while. I've had 34 years to practice this dysfunctional me and now I'm working towards the rest of my life to unlearn and become who I really want. That is no small feat. Be gentle with you and with your AH. Each day its a struggle for the family to learn this new way of life just like its a struggle for the A to stay sober and live his/her life without anthestizing the pain of reality. What I'm learning right now is what I can live with and what I cannot live with, behavior wise. Uncovering this information for myself helps me to form my boundaries for myself, the more I get to know myself and my AH sober the more I can make better decisions about what exactly I want in my life. Take it one day at a time and each day HP will reveal a little more to you. You cannot turn back the clock and erase what has happened, lord knows I'd love to, all I/we can do is push forward and take it one day at a time. Keep working it.
Peace, Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Maybe as a couple, ya'll were not able to accomplish those things then, but the field is wide open now. What do you want to accomplish? If you don't know, that's ok too. Keep searching and asking your HP for guidance.
Maybe together thru recovery, you can make your "house" into the home you wished it could have been years ago. It's almost like being newlyweds - starting a new life. It will have it's frustrations and bumbs - but taking care of you and working thru those emotions can help you to create a new life exactly where you are today.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi Katy , boy I hear your confusion . the only thing that comes to my mind is , Don't miss the good days. You said u found Al-Anon hopfully that means f2f meetings for yourself , your going to need them . The advantage of f2f for me is a sponsor someone to bounce this stuff off of on a bad day . When the alcoholic sobers up it seems we get our expectations out of whack again , sometimes the A changes so quickly we wonder if a new man has moved into the house and somehow we find that threatning ( which tells me that I was really sick and needed to keep comming hehe ) Careful what u pray for comes to m ind hehe. Don't forget one day at a time Katy - u only have to get thru today , enjoy get the most out of each day don't m iss a damn thing . If you can remember that you were not the reason he drank in the first place u will start to allow yourself to share with him what is going on with you , nothing u say or do will make him drink again . that will be his choice . Letting go of resentments takes time again the beauty of f2f meetings for me there I can express my anger and fears and people understand and I havent hurt him in the process . Easy does it girl and enjoy . life will continue to happen so I deceided i might as well go thru it h appy . good luck Louise Al-Anon prints a couple of amazing books One is the the Dilema of the Alcoholic marriage . so much in there about sobriety , and communication . to me that book has saved alot of arguments in our home also living with Sobriey small red book is awsome . good luck
I feel like your me in another eight more years. I have been in my situation for eight years and my children are 7,6,6. I thought sobriety would bring me total bliss. No one set me up for "what if you still don't like him then?" I didn't. So now what? I didn't like him drinking and I don't like him sober. I had already had three children with him, it's a little too late to say forget it. So I fought to keep it together and learned to like this new person. Most of the time I stayed for the kids and alot of me still does stay for the kids. For some reason I believe in marriage and want to hold onto it. I knew/know help is out there for me. I choose not to accept it. Something inside of me thinks that the grass is not greener on the other side and it never will be. I believe that happiness doesn't exsist and if I found another man would I have to invest the same effort as I have for this man that I already have his children? It is confusing. I don't cloud my thinking up with "dreams" or the thought of "happily ever after". I know that when I am 80 that I can sit beside this man and have a great conversation with him. This is why I am still in recovery because I am ok where things are in my life, I have no expectations and I have no dreams for myself. If you find an answer will you let me know??? ;)
Thankyou everyone, you do for me what doctor's and medicines all failed todo, you talk complete and utter sence, I think I'm finding it hard to look back and accept that it wasn't all him, and owning my part in it all, is a bitter pill to swollow, I don't think I'm dwelling on it so much as greiving it, it looks different now to how it was at the time, when we were living it. In my heart of hearts I think we have a chance here to have a life togther, and I think alot of it is down to me now, I know what I'm doing, I'm projecting outcomes based on old behaviour, and I am actually provoking that old behaviour, by the time I realise it, I'm feeling pretty crap, I just need to belive in myself and trust that my Hp will alway's guide me the right way to go. I have got to learn to stop projecting and live in the moment, funny to how when I read this back it's so obvious I'm trying to change habit's of a life time, lot's of love and xxxxxxxxxxx to you all.
