The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
New to Al-anon and all of this. My counselor, Alanon, and the books I am reading for both say that I am co-dependent and controlling. I don't feel that way at all, but if I am, I am willing to change. I guess I am just wondering if you guys felt that way.
A year ago I filed for divorce and ever since then I have been much, much better than I used to be. I will admit that I was extremely co-dependent before then. I have worked hard not to be that way now.
Anyway I am just venting. Like I said, I realize I am not innocent and I am willing to do what it takes to improve my situation. I just hate being labelled automatically just because my husband is an addict
In answer to your question, yes I felt I was unaffected for a long time. I didn't feel co-dependant or controlling.....In fact I thought I was doing well at holding it all together.
However, I now know I was in my own denial. Eventually circumstances made me look at my life differently.
In being labelled (I prefer to call it, identifying my own illness), I was able to recognise what was wrong and of course this put me in a position where I could do something about it.
There was a great freedom in having my denial cloud lifted for me. Of course this didn't happen over night. I battled with it for a long time (many months), before I could admit I was affected by the alcoholism and addictions of those around me.
Oh yeah! But then I was too sick to realize how sick I really was. I've always been a fiercely independent type, and the thought that I could be sicker than my A, was not only confusing but I thought I was perfect! See the sickness of our disease. Keep doing what you're doing. The will turn on when it's right for you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
For me, I am not limited by my characteristics. Yes, I may have some co-dependent issues, some control issues, some unhealthy behaviors - but that is not WHAT I am. I am more than just a few characteristics.
I just didn't know that before discovering myself in my 4th Step.
A lot of people think Step 4 is about discovering our character defects. Al-Anon is going to show me all of the things I did wrong in my life. Granted I did learn some things that I could have done better, but I also learned some really great things about ME.
A Manager of a Grocery Store is not upset because he has 56 bottles of ketchup and only 4 bottles of mustard. He just means he needs more mustard - right?
So, if I see that I have a lot of co-dependent issues and only a few self-care traits- then that means that I need to work on letting my HP heal me of those behaviors and work on improving my self-care traits.
Doesn't mean that I am limited by the "label" of a Co-Dependent, or a Poor Self-Care Person - I am all of that AND more. My HP is still developing who I am and who I will be.
This is how I have come to understand and work with "labels"
Just my e,s, & h,
Take what you like & leave the rest,
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I have learned that if I do not find myself plagued with one or more of the shortcomings; enabling, co-dependent, controlling, and sicker than the alcoholic, then I am in denial. *sigh*. My opinion is that we must take stock of ourselves with a critical eye, come to our conclusions - after all, we know ourselves better than anyone else does - and accept our conclusions as we find them.
Good luck,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Labels used to bother me, but it generally meant I was afraid they were true!
They don't bother me now, I am what I am no matter what someone calls me, and the truth is the most important thing I seek. If it's true that I'm "codependent" well then I have something TRUE to work with. I've had not much but lies and my own denial to work with until recently, so call me a purple platypus, I don't mind, if I am . . . then I should definitely stop wearing green :D .
I was reading the replies to your post and Rita's struck me. If I were a grocery store manager and I had 54 bottles of katsup and only 4 of mustard, my immidiate response would be anger.LOL! I would be so mad that I forgot to order the mustard. WOW! guess I really have some issues to work on! Like being gentle with myself when I come to the conclusion that what others see in me might hold some water. To be honest though, when others come at me with what they think are MY character defects, I become defensive and blow what they are saying off by justifying my behavior. Either by denile or with anger towards them. I had no idea that I had control issues until very recently. I could see my other issues so clearly but that one I just didn't think pertaned to me. I guess I saw it when I was ready to, when it had caused me enough pain and I wanted to change. Good luck! Going to f2f and comming here and posting is what works for me!
People saw me that way bc I'd call AH obsessively - but my excuse - he would sometimes beat me when he came home drunk and I was trying to somehow prevent him from getting to that point. It never worked - it probably pushed him to the A in some cases.
Being here has helped me to see alot of things I could do - like setting the boundaries and living my life regardless to keep him from hurting me any more than he already has. This is a great place to be and the label, well it's true in alot of cases - our first reactions to the A are often very normal - but often not at all helpful.
That's why this program is so wonderful, and we all learn in different ways..... You (and others) despise the labels, and are offended by them, and that works for you. For me, I NEEDED those labels to finally look in the mirror and decide that I was "existing" more than living, and it gave me the necessary kick-in-the-butt that I needed.
I was definitely codependant....... sometimes an enabler..... and for sure a controller..... and lived to talk about it, lol.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am co-dependent, but not near as much as I was a year ago. Not even close. I am definitely an enabler. As far as controlling, the only thing I try to control is being lied to. But the more freedom I give myself (as I have learned this past year) the less it matters. I just need to stay focused on that.
I have learned to take it all with a grain of salt. When I first came to Alanon, I felt it was the most judgemental place on earth. If I wanted to know more about the A's program, that meant I was trying to run it; I was married to an A, that must mean i had caretaking/co-dependency/martyr issues. The truth is that none of that was true for me. Diva is right, you know yourself, and you can inventory your own issues. I hear a lot of general statements in Alanon that usually start with "We...." My thoughts... just listen. You will know when something applies to you and when it doesn't.
See the sickness of our disease. Keep doing what you're doing. The 
will turn on when it's right for you. 
