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Has got to be one of the most scariest things I've been up against. Now of course the whole mess with AH kicked this thing off, but after assessing all of this honestly I have come to realize my part in all of this and the avalanche would have happened at some point this year regardless.
Living with A'ism brings with it huge financial problems that I'm sure everyone can relate to. Currently I am working on consolidating debt and talking to the Mortgage company about assistance in keeping my mortgage out of default. I only missed one payment and that was because i had to have tooth surgery. AH is contributing again financially and that of course helps tremendously, but now is the cleanup and the aftermath of storm. It is not fun to say the least.
No action on selling my condo; which is another scary thing as well. The only choice I have is to try and make the right decisions in not lagging behind on this stuff. I basically ignored it for the last 3 months, just didn't want to deal with it, but it was a dark looming cloud over me. Now it's time to deal. AH has to deal with it too because he will not be able to skate by without paying his debts and the mess he made either. Both of us are working on accountability to creditors and family. One lesson I have learned through all this is not to live beyond my means, meaning the means of which I get paid. Anything can happen to a spouse or partner and I don't want to get caught holding the bag again. So if we have to move to a cheaper place that isn't so nice, oh well. As long as its clean, no bugs, and in a somewhat decent safe area I can live with it. Second thing I learned is that if I can't afford to buy it outright then I can't have it right now. I bought things to fill the void within me. It somehow felt better than sitting at home thinking about all my problems. So, I'd take the kids out, go the movies, buy something for the house, whatever I could I guess to "feel better". Of course, that contented feeling didn't last long.
And the third lesson I've learned is that I cannot manage this all on my own. I don't know the exact outcome of all of this, so I have to give it over to HP to manage the fear, to take the reigns, and to help me continue setting boundaries with AH on his responsibilities. I can no longer take control of his debts, true we made these debts together, and yes he will have to pay half the bill as well. It is my credit and my name dragged through the mud though and that will not happen again. I can rebuild and it stinks that I have to but I will. Just asking for your prayers in this matter that I will stay on track with my boundaries and goals and keep making it somehow. Thanks MIP.
Peace to all, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
My "Hat's" off to you & your AH for taking steps to try to get your financial matters back in order. Tough stuff looking at your part & doing what you can to start handling things in a more responsible way.
Don't let yourself be discouraged - It will take time - remember each day is one step toward financial freedom!!
Thanks for sharing this personal battle & it's very encouraging to know that it is an area that others struggle with also. I know that I am doing better today, but only because I had to apply this program in my financial affairs as much as my "recovery" affairs. Not using things to ease my pain is very difficult, but it is healthier for me and my finanical well-being.
Keep up the awesome work, Twinmom, Prayers said for you & your family, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
One thing I have learned in dealing with Khol's insurance was that, and it sounds so trite, the people behind the agencies are humans too. They have their policies, scary and impersonal as they are, because their in a business. In my case, it was the business of sick people. In your case, it's the business of broke people. I came to realize that 1) patience is a virtue. However many times I had to re explain my situation, in the words of Joe Friday "Just the facts, ma'am." It's something that's extremely hard to do, but with the help of my sponsor, I'm getting better at it. As my sponsor's husband observed, lovingly, "The more emotional and involved ANYONE gets in a situation, the more difficult it is to think clearly over ANYTHING. That's why it's easier to just state the facts about the situation; those you can't argue over, and, whatever they may be, they're the facts." I hated to admit he was right, but, having worked in the financial offices of the US Air Force for over 25 years--THERE is a beauracracy!!!--he knows what he's talking about! I also came to realize over the Khol's insurance fiasco 2) get the names, numbers, and addresses of the people I talk to. I came to realize that most of the people I talked to, at least in the insurance thing, were what cashiers are in a store: drones. Commoners. Plebes. Everyday nobody's. To get things done, I had to ask for the supervisor. Just like the people working within the specific department know how to find specific stock, and even when the truck is coming in to refill specific stock, so too does a supervisor know the "secret policies" that work in and out of an agency, like a debt collection. By talking directly to the supervisor, I was able to directly communicate "the facts," get "the paperwork," and send in the appropriate "paper work." I think the last thing I've learned is 3) be honest and direct with the appropriate people. Being direct IS **NOT** being abusive. It IS **NOT** being hurtful, curt, terse, or anything else like that. It **IS** part of setting boundries, being assertive, and being honest. It means that I may risk being vulnerable, find myself being rejected, and may indeed get hurt. But it also means that I am honest enough with myself to be honest enough with someone else. In the case of Khol's, this meant saying to each person involved exactly what happened, exactly what I wanted, and exactly what I could and could not do to assist in their processing of my complaint. What I could not do, I said, I would enlist the help of my parents. What I could do, I said, I would readily do on my own. Perhaps here, for you, being direct not simply with the debt collectors but also with your loved one would help you feel a sense of relief; financial insanity creates a great deal of intense emotions. Perhaps in a famiy therapy session? *Just a suggestion; if it is not something you would like, please disreguard.*
Hi Mom , cleaning up the mess takes along time , and I love that your taking some responsibility for it too. thats progress. Is it possible to go to your bank and ask for one loan to cover all debts . One payment is so much more managable and banks usually co operate . good luck Ya gotta have enough money to live too . one payment will make a diff as long as hubby is helping u reach the same goal .
in my experience, this is where the one day at a time really helped. All you are dealing with is soooo much stress in so many ways.
I finally learned to do all i could that day. then say ok that is all I can do today, and them play. or rest or whatever. Just let it go.
It made life so much easier. Al Anon gives us the skills to be able to work with life, not against it. And also it helps us to get our anti stressors in too.
Relating so much to you. For me I finally learned to take care of me in every way.Then when and if something happened to A, I was ok.
I would never put myself in the position again to be homeless, carless, no place for my animals.
never.
good for you for getting the lesson from the hard circumstances!! Also good to hear the A is facing things too. That is major.
Hey I had to move into the bunkhouse of my barn way back when. then went back to the big main house. I hated that big house alone with bad memories. So here I am again living simply in my cabin like home, sooooo happy with a view one big room and a living room and bath/laundry being added. so simple.
I find this way of life so much more fun. I don't care about "things" What I do buy is good quality and will last. I quench my buying fun by hunting in thrift stores, like a treasure hunt.
I wear Eddie Bauer, doc martens, GAP, etc. All from thrift stores. I love it.
Also when messes were being cleaned up, I put my phone in my sons name, but only use it for my dsl, I have a cell who no one knows the number that i use for everything. Just friends know it.
one foot in front of the other, just get your body there, those helped me too.
thank you for sharing. You guys are an inspiration. love,debilyn
I am yet another who can relate to what you're saying -- remember all the heartfelt 'me too' responses to the last 'debts' thread? It's definitely no fun, and it sure can drag you down at times if you look too far ahead at how long it all will take. Debilyn sure is right about not doing that, just shutting the mind off to it. On the other hand, it is good to keep in mind what an achievement it will be and how good you'll feel once you've pulled yourself(selves?) out of it!
"Wanting to help" (another word for codependency?) got me in my mess. The first bout with a former boyfriend who wanted to be a full-time musician happened when he ran into some financial difficulty, and I was all too happy to whip out my checkbook. The sad thing is, he wasn't even my boyfriend by that point -- we were "just friends." I regret that one, and of course I haven't seen a penny.
The next round was with my partner. He made a decent living when we first met, but his credit had been very damaged by a former girlfriend using his credit cards. It was with his permission at a time when she was taking care of the bills, and he didn't pay enough attention to just how she was using them. By the time he found out, he was in way over his head.
He decided he wanted to get a dirt bike -- he had loved doing it at one time in his life, and he thought it would help with his drinking. He couldn't drink if he was riding, he'd be out doing something, etc. I agreed to have it in my name since my credit was good.
Of course, a month later, he tore his ACL on it and was off work for 5 months. I took care of everything at that point. When he went back, it was only part-time since he'd mouthed off to the boss while drinking just before he was hurt, and his boss had found out when he was hurt that he could handle the shop himself with my partner being only part-time.
Then, so he could get his driver's license, I paid off a number of fines. Truthfully, I didn't want to wait until he could afford it since I was driving him everywhere. He found a great deal in a car he was thrilled to have, and I was happy to sign the papers on that one, too.
Not too long ago I let him know that I was at the end of my financial means -- I'd maxed everything out, and I no longer made enough to keep our heads above water with the little he was contributing.
He too has stepped up -- this will be the first pay period where I'm not scraping bottom. And he's talking of getting another job. Here's hoping that pans out and works out. Naturally, he's hoping that will also help with the drinking!
I can't say I begrudge him anything. I did it all willingly. I sure hope I'm right, though, when I say I won't do it again. And I don't pay for anything for him anymore. He takes care of all 'his' stuff.
I hope things ease up for you soon, Twinmom, and that they continue on the upward path. Paycheck to paycheck, or less, is scary and hard. I hope that condo sells really fast -- that'll be a big relief, and then you'll be able to put a lot of that payment toward the rest of the debt. The years go by anyway, and at the end of one of them you'll be out of the hole!!
Hi (((mom))) thankyou for being here and sharing. I too know what its like to try and clean up the messy aftermath. When my A got sober ,we had a ton of debt. Some of which I kept hidden from him..Like a 10,000 dollar tax lein on our property. I just found the money whenever he "wanted " something or something to do...so by taking from the tax money I left us in a real jam..that's my part..And it was one of the most difficult and scary things I had to do..Explain it to him..sober at that...but it was necessary for me to be honest with my truth...as far as creditcard debt ,we did use a credit consolidator..they took all of the credit card bills ,and cell phone bills..worked with the creditors and alot of them reduced balances etc. and it was all rolled into one payment we made to the consolidator,and they divided it up to each creditor. It did help us get out of debt and stopped the incessant phone calls, and threats. Talk about scary..LOL I could never work for a debt collector...The measures they go to ,to have the money repaid is amazing. Anyways..one day at a time...be honest...breathe and check out some of the consolidators..we could not get a loan, our credit was trashed at the time,but the other avenue did help us restore it. This too shall pass. The sky ain't fallin' chicken little ;) Glad you're here ~ hugs~ Carla
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