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I was reading over some other posts and was thinking about my A and my intense anger toward him for finding another girl that he keeps "ending up with". I was pondering the obvious fact that he just can't be alone. Then it hit me. I'm not there anymore to do all his crap for him and take care of him so he's out there looking for someone to fill that spot. That just reinforces my original belief that he is incapable of loving he is only capable of trying to find someone who will "take care" of him and "clean up" his messes??? I guess whether he loves me or not is inconsequential, I FEEL as though I have been used. If you truly love someone you don't just move on to another person. You don't go be with someone else and continue to say you love me. I suppose it's possible but it's pitiful that he can't just be alone and take care of himself. He is perfectly capable! Upon deeper reflection I think his idea of love is very self serving where mine is more sacrificing (of course he would say the opposite).
(((CG))) I think you are onto something in your statement that he quite possibly feels as though he can't be alone. A's are dependent until they choose to learn a life by giving instead of always taking. The other woman has nothing to do with you. He probably does love you, but you have set your boundaries and have decided you can not allow that dependent behavior in your life, and he has not made up his mind to respect that and go with it and learn a new way of living, so he will get his needs met wherever he can. I have felt used by my AH as well, and I have experienced what it feels like to see him be with someone else and say he loves me. He was not being honest with either of us. She was enabling him, and of course she only knew what he told her. She didn't have the years under her belt of knowing what his behaviors are like. Eventually he made the choice to get honest about her, about me, about life. Its not all repaired, I still have nightmares about that whole thing. I still have fears, but I can't let that fear paralyze me anymore either. If AH says I don't want this marriage any longer and wants to hook up with another enabler, more power to ya buddy. I have enough on my plate with my own life and my own regrets I don't want his too. He will either learn to walk honestly and take care of his own needs without charming, manipulating whatever to get someone to do it for him, or he won't. What you are feeling is pain, I'm sorry you are hurting. Take some time for you and please know this has nothing to do with you.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Your feelings are perfectly valid. Indeed, in my eyes, he did use you. He expected a great deal from you while he was able, or at least found an excuse, to do whatever he wanted and needed to do. Having said that, one of the hardest things I've been learning about myself is that the amount of my anger is directly proportional to the amount of my love for a person. My deepest feelings of outrage and betrayal toward my parents are clear signals, for me at least, of how much I love them, as parents. How much I expected them to be have as adults, as parents. How much I wanted them to love me, as parents. And how much I feel let down, as their child. The hurt and disappointment I feel I am finding, every day, a testament to the fact that I wanted my parents to be in my life, on my terms. That means I wanted sober, mentally healthy, emotionally availible parents. That hasn't happened. It may never happen. That is where detachment comes in, at least for me. I heard a wonderful definition of detachment yesterday: when you love someone the best you can, with honesty, integrety and respect, you let them have the space they need to make the decisions they want and allow them the dignity to feel safe enough to be accountable for themselves. This allows you, too, to go through whatever feelings, process, or whatever you need to, to let them be and let yourself be, too. No where is the word "easy" found, but the sense is that respect is given, and may never be recieved, as each person is given the space to make choices for themselves about themselves. It's okay to realize that yeah, you got screwed. And it's okay to be pissed as hell over it. I was for a long, long time. I wanted my parent's blood over it. But as time has gone on, I've also come to see that having my parents head on a platter for getting screwed over in their addictions and dysfunctions, really, doesn't do me a bit of good; it just keeps me involved in their dysfunctional living and thinking.
Oh yea girl.....I know the feeling of being used by the A. I feel used ALL of the time by my AH. And I always feel worse when my he is in a bad mood....like "How dare he get cranky when I am the one paying all the bills in?" And I know that his mood will get better if only I make advances on him and get him into the bedroom. All is better after that....at least for HIM. I just simply feel USED! So, he has a safe home to stay in, food to eat, cigs to smoke, gas in his truck and regular sex. What am I getting out of this deal? Stress!!! Sounds like I have some serious thinking to do huh? LOL.
I dated a guy like that once. If I wasn't going to do what he wanted, he would find someone that would. I know how extremely painful that is. Unfortunately, in my experience, they don't change. They don't know what the meaning of love is, because the only person they have ever loved is themselves. You are in my prayers.
LOL Serendipity was speechless??? LOL Maybe she didn't have anything nice to say.... Anyway, the only thing I blame myself for is my deluded thinking that he could change, even after all this time and going over and over the same stuff KNOWING that he wont I think he could. I need to just not care if he does, that's where I want to be! Most of the time that's pretty easy since he's in jail but eventually he'll get out and it'll be time for decisions again. I know I'm stronger now tho.
LOL! Speechless? Never! I accidently posted a pm to you on the board. Well, here we are still in a similar position. I feel for you. I had this great pm all written then had to erase it all. oh well, gave me time to think about it. How sick is it that I consider you the luckier one of the two of us cause your AH is in jail....hhhmmmmm, I wonder if there's a reading on that! LOL!
I think that might be accurate. I was just talking to my friend who is going thru a divorce and husband is separated and she said that he is turning her kids against her. Now, if that happened to me I might be in jail LOL. I told her I used to be jealous because she had someone to drop her kids off on weekends now I am glad they're all mine and I don't have to deal with crap like that. Her husband is not an A (as far as I know) but an abuser. Many of the same behaviors, worse if you ask me...I know that's hard to imagine sometimes.
I was thinking about Tiger's comment about the anger. For me its a matter of ptsd. Trigger my ptsd and my anger comes spewing out. I have a super hard time putting it back together again.
The A is a master at triggering the ptsd. Whether he does it deliberately or not I dont' know.
I know that anger has almost killed me in my life. Sometimes it is refreshing to have it out there rather than swallowing me up in depression.
for me the ptsd is all about the past and it can stilll swallow me up in a minute.
I do love the A and care for him but there are many days when I feel like it is a hugely losing battle and I need to just walk away. He is absolutely totally committed to being absolutely compuslively self destructive. Maresie.
I think my expectations of the A are way way off. He is so totally self involved. I give till I bleed compulsively. I am now taking on a much harder tack. Today I told him if you don't do this I will not pay this. And I mean it.
I am tired of being taken for granted.
I am tired of asking till I have no more voice to give.
As Twin mom has said sometimes they have to feel the consequences. The is homeless living out of nothing he still does not feel the consequences. He still expects me to step in.
I do not step in as much as I used to. Nevertheless his expectations and mine are not meeting.
I have to come up with my own plan to deal with this. One of them for me is super hard boundaries.
I will not entertain for one second certain behaviors he has. One super own is procrastination. If he can put something off he will.
Another is his absolutely totally compulsive need not to be paid by wherever he works. He is going to have to feel the consequence of that. I am ont entertaining it anymore. His Uncle I know is flabbergasted by it.
I know for a fact if he were living with his Uncle his Uncle would mandate about that issue alone.
Right now the A is talking about going on disability. Maybe he should do that. He certainly has been very very ill. I know he will have to do it on his own. My own compulsive caretaking has taken me to a breaking point.
I know when I get to points where I am wriiting to friends I am sick to death of certain behaviors that is when I need to set limits and just stop. For me sometimes it is a question of just stopping.
