The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I woke up this morning with a smile. That hasn't happened in months. It was fleeting but it was there. I went to my meeting. The feeling came creeping in, the anixety and pain. But I still wasn't crying. I was ok. Today is so damn hard. Father's Day and I've lost my dad and the kid's dad. There are no dad's in my life. But, the kids and I took our friend who was my dad's best friend out to brunch. That was really great. Anyway, when I went to pick the kids up from my mom's my ex was on the phone. I took the phone and asked if he was comming over to see the kids today. Long story short he said no. My boundry is that he see the kids here, at their home ( which they are dying to show him) with me supervising. He said some really awful stuff to me. I tried again and again to tell him that it was no longer about us. It is about the kids. He is a crack addict, unmedicated bipoar1 there is no way I am letting him take our kids anywhere. If I did, I would be looked at as the crazy one. I have let him do this to the kids for years! Oh, you say you're sober and sane? Ok I'll take your word for it, here have the kids. And they have gotten hurt every single time. It was less than a year ago he got his 14 yr old son drunk at his sister's house with the rest of his brothers and sister! ya think I want my 12 year old in her vunerable state in that kind of a situation? It was a few months ago that he said he didn't want his alcoholic, bipolar sister to have contact with the kids because he was scared of the influence she would have on our kids! But now, she is fine, he is fine, I'm scarey and he is scared of me and doesn't trust me! What the hell? What happened? I am not the crack addict who has aboandoned his kids more than he's been a father! I am the one who has forgiven and enabled him to be a father! How dare he play these games with the kids on the line. Yes, I said he could not see the kids, his behavior is that of an addict. Actions speak louder than words and he was lying and threatening me! He was being incredibly mean to our oldest, just damaging self image stuff ( man, you look ugly! Etc, ) And he has less than a year sobriety, a gf who is "in the program" and I am the crazy one? He said " I am scared to be alone with you" whatever, it's about the kids then he said" you're just trying to get me alone with you." OMG! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU'RE KIDDING RIGHT? I MEAN THIS IS A JOKE RIGHT? He is the one that came to my house and took me, he iniciated sex, not me, God knows I would never. I let it happen but I also thought it might be the beginning of us getting back together. Then he shows up at MY house in the middle of the night wanting me. I said no. I showed up at his place before that and he just threatened to call the police on me! Because I was sad and confused. HE IS SAYING THAT IT IS ME!!!! And because of THAT he refuses to see the kids. GROW UP! I said these are my boundries, you are allowed to see the kids here with me. That's it. No questioning, no negotiating. That boundry may change at some point in the future but for today that is the way it is. His decision. He said "Tell Saige I'll see her when she's 18" I hung up. I can't even believe this. How did he go from being a loving father to this. Was I that delusional? Was he always like this. I think he was. It was me who sent his ex support checks and co-ordinated picking up his son every other weekend. When I stopped that he stoped seeing his son. He didn't see him for years and now only sees him because of his mom.
I swear this is insane. He was so mean to me for no reason! I don't get where he gets the nerve to speak to me this way. I don't give a flying fig what I have said or done in the past. It is now only about the kids. That's it. He was telling me that NO ONE thinks it's a good idea for him to be alone with me ( meaning program people) WE WOULD NOT BE ALONE!!! THE KIDS!!!! THAT IS WHY HE WOULD BE HERE!!!!OMG!!!!!!If program people told you to jump off a bridge would you? I know following suggestions is what to d to stay sober but come on!!! Don't you have to put the suggestions to work into your life? YOUR life! YOUR KIDS! How do you put anyone in front of the wellfare of your own kids? HOw does that happen? I would walk thru hell and back for them and I think I am at the moment. How can you hate me so much that you hate the kids too? On top of that I did nothing wrong in this situation! I was here for him, healing from this year of despair, being his friend, working my program, understanding and encouraging him. Then he just leaves. No explainantion, lie after lie when ther ewas no reason for it. HE IS THE SICK, CRAZY ONE!!! WHY THE HELL DOESN'T ANYONE SEE THIS? WHY DON'T THEY KICK HIS CRAZY ASS OUT OF THE PROGRAM FOR BEING CRAZY? Yes, I realize I look crazy. But this is my kids. I have been dealing with his rejection of me but now I am having to deal with his total rejection of our kids. And, just so you know, I am only saying this here, to y'all. I am not writing him or calling him or doing anything to get him to try to change his mind. I am venting here to you. I refuse to play his games. I hate this, I really do.
you are totally right. This is a perfect example of insanity.
In my experience, I quit listening to it. They always turn it around so it is you. You KNOW it is not. When I found out all the horrible things the disease had him say about me, it broke me inside. No wonder none of his friends or his mom liked me.
You are very strong in your convictions and boundaries. I am so glad you are not allowing him to ever have them alone. His combination of illnesses is awful scarey.
I know it hurts you becuz of the kids. Sadly we cannot control it. All I ever did with my students was listen and remind them, it was NOT their fault.
Good for you coming here and venting. We all need to let it out. It has been my pleasure to be here so long and see the miracles others bring into their lives. You have really made huge decisions. Remember it is a disease, don't take it personal. I turned my A OFF. hung up, left the room, left my house, left the restaurant, etc. As soon as the disease started its bs. I knew it was a stranger I sure did not like and was not going to waste my time with it.
Sorry to say... I don't ever think it will JUST be about the kids for either of you. I think there are too many things that have happened water under the bridge, but still there every time you see each other. I think not seeing him at all is probably easier for everyone until the two of you get a little distance and perspective. I have wondered about the A using the kids to get at me to make himself look pitiful and caring when all the while it's just another manipulation. There are agencies where you can drop the kids off and he can pay someone else to supervise his visits. Sounds like that might work for you. My A had to do that with his other son and ex gf. If he really wants to see them he will. Otherwise perhaps a big brothers program? Do you have an impartial friend who could sit with him while he visits or does he? If there was somone you could agree on that would work. it's all so complicated isn't it. It seems to me that you're doing all the work here. If he wants to see the kids he'll figure out a way to do it that is agreeable to both of you. Otherwise like he said he can see them when they're 18 - which I doubt because they'll probably hate him by then. Just remember YOU are not the one doing this to the kids HE is. He chooses his gf over them - It appears to me that the only reason he doesn't come there to visit is that the gf doesn't want him alone there with you. If he wants to pay someone else to watch then that will remove that problem. Maybe she can pay for it LOL. Just please remember his problems are not your problems. You are not hurting your kids, don't feel guilty! Guilt is what gets us caught in all this in the first place. This is not your fault! Also, I don't think you have to be nice all the time. Sometimes it works for me when I just say it like it is. IE It looks to me like your insecure gf is concerned about you being here alone with me so if you want to choose your gf over your kids that's your choice but don't call me the b**** because of YOUR choices! Perhaps put the idea that he pay someone else to supervise out there because I'm SURE you don't want to be alone with him either! And it's ok to say that.
