The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Turns out that he did EXACTLY what he's done so many times, he came home around 8, but said I'm going for tacos, invites us then uninvites us (our daughter and son, 5yrs & 6mos) bc I don't have extra money n neither does he (his friend had offered to pay for him). I specifically asked him please be home soon bc my sister had to go to the hospital and I might need to go up to see her tonight - "I will", but no I finally go to bed around 10:30 and (he told me he'd get me a couple tacos but NOPE). He finally comes home around 3am with a friend while I was on the phone w/ my mom talking abt how my sister's doing. I held the phone away n asked if he'd been drinking, he said yes, I said you need to leave. He pretended he was going to leave but then turned on his CD player and proceeded to pop open a beer (one of the bounderies I spoke with him abt last week is no alcohol or drugs in the house - no being drunk around me or in our house). My mom offered to help me enforce the boundary - SO I took her up on it, knowing that he wouldn't do her the way he does me - I knew he'd leave - in all these years I've "handled" this on my own and my mom had no idea abt most of the crap going on with him. He took me involving my mom as a sort of betrayal and made sure to tell her one of MY biggest mistakes that she had no clue about - we split up once - and I rebounded with another guy - and he always guilt trips me abt it when he's drunk. Anyway my mom made sure the couple beers he brought in the house were poured down the drain, then him and his friend left. I know I'll be criticized bc I involved my mom, but the police would be alot less lenient with him and his record -besides there's no one else I could've gotten over there at that hour that he would actually have leaved for. He left finally at around 4:30am and I haven't spoken to him since. He's still not home. Right now the jobs I've applied for (way higher pay) are all I can think about because I need more financial stability in order to be able to do whatever I have to do when it comes to enforcing these boundaries - to be able to move into another apt and all the other things that may come with leaving him if/when it comes to that. Right now I don't even have enough money for gas, diapers, formula, baby food, groceries - until I get paid on Friday. I hate asking for help - but I guess I have to in this case.
I'm really glad you're posting Gurl, you are sure having a rough time. I can sincerely relate with trying to find boundaries I can actually enforce with my A. Since he refused to get help AND refused to leave the home, I had to accept this was not a workable boundary. I could not physically throw him out, weighing about 70 pounds less, nor could I involve the sheriff because this is his home after all.
There were other boundaries I could enforce, but they were not as dramatic as I'd have liked :D . I refused to share a marital bed with him, moved upstairs and spent no time with him. I worked around him. It was awful, and I was still pretty vulnerable to the things he said and names he called me. It was all b/c I refused to give him what he wanted. It hurt to have the man I love be so cruel.
If it weren't for the relationships I'm building in Alanon and on this board, I honestly doubt I could have held on this long without doing something incredibly stupid, i.e., more hurtful to myself than my A could ever be.
I'm gonna send positive vibes about your new job prospects. Congratulations on refusing to be stuck!
I have been married for over 30 years and my AHsober still never does what he says he is going to do. He just doesn't have it. And someone said that alot of what he does is unconscious. I still work on my boundaries with my AHsober. Have to have them really high or he gets me every time. I quit asking him for help and have found help from family, friends, and even strangers. Don't give up.
