pearlygirrl wrote:

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...I have returned to alanon, but I miss my old meetings and the people that were there. I am having a hard time finding someone who can talk program to me when I need to hear it. I'll keep trying to find someone though. ...

I am frustrated by my husbands lack of interest in anything! Aside from alcoholism and all my anger, resentment, and frustrations with that.... I am totally bored in my marriage. There is no affection between us... neither one of huggs the other, kisses the other, rubs the other, etc. Frankly, I'm not even sure I can say I am in love with him. I have thought about leaving my marriage... about at least separating. Sometimes I just feel incapable of leaving, of sticking to my guns... other times I feel like leaving isn't the answer.

I remain so confused. And being in a new area, having to find new friends, become a part of a new alanon network, trying to find the new places near me for my activities, the activties which helped my recovery before... it's all simply, really overwhelming....

I sit, and wait, for something to happen... for some answer to be shown to me, to come to me. But at the same time, I am tired of always waiting.

Simply confused,

pearlygirrl

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 Hi ((((((((((pearlygirrl)))))))))) and welcome back home!  I quoted the parts of your share that I could really really relate to.  Been there, done that, felt that - yup I sure have!! 

When I started Al-Anon I had this great ftf group.  I too moved and was "alanonless" for a while.  Of course, I still had my online alanon (once the computer was hooked up again), but that doesn't replace the friendship and fellowship we find at our ftfs.  I complained about not being able to "connect" here, but when I looked at it honestly, it was because I wasn't making the effort to go every single week.  I met a gal through this chatroom who lives in the next town over from me.  There was incentive for me to get to my ftf - so we could meet in person!  We are good friends now.  And really the people at the ftf here are lovely people too.  If I'm not connecting... now I say it's because of my own lack of effort.  I have the Al-Anon Declaration hanging on my wall here... "Let It Begin With Me"... that sure is appropriate for me. 

The "Let It Begin With Me" also helped me with those intimacy issues you spoke of.  Hugs, kisses, etc.  I had been rebuffed so many times that I stopped trying to hug him or kiss him.  I wasn't going to allow myself to get hurt over and over.  Well, I was still hurting cause now there was emptiness.  So I did the "babysteps" we talk of here, a quick hug or a peck on his cheek, without expecting him to return it.  I let it begin with me.  And eventually he began to respond again.  As for finding that love for him that I had when we first met, I just started thinking back to those days and what it was that I had fallen in love with.  Those qualities are still there.  I just was blinded by my own resentment and anger over the drinking issue.  He once said to me "I didn't change, you did"... and boy, he was right on that. 

I've learned to be a bit more patient since being in Alanon.  Still have my moments of inpatience, and even my moments of "thats it! i'm done!" - but these pass in time.  I don't expect every day to be a wonderful day, life has its ups and downs for everyone cause we're all imperfect.  As they say, you need the rain too, not just the sunshine, for everything to grow.  But yes, there are times when I am overtired, stressed, etc. where I too could feel that feeling of being overwhelmed and tired of waiting.  These are the times when it is most important for me to practice self-care.  Take a hot bath and relax, read a book, go to bed early, make sure I'm eating properly, go window shopping or to the thrift store, go out and "talk" to my chickens, sun bathe, whatever it is that helps me to relax and unwind. 

Early recovery for them and for us is difficult.  They're trying not to drink, we're trying to change old behaviors to new ones.  They slip, we slip.  It's quite normal.  The key is to keep trying.  And also when you're in a relationship that you want to work, acknowledge their efforts at trying too.  And when I say that, I don't necessarily mean saying to them how well they are doing or whatever, I mean acknowledge it to yourself and let it show in your own actions.  There have been many times when I found myself getting angry that he picked up a drink again.  Then I mentally reminded myself of all the many times that my temper flared again.  This helped me with compassion.  Recovery is hard!  We have years of habits/reactions we're trying to change.  Nothing is going to happen overnight. 

Remember... just for today.  Can you handle things just for this one day?  Just for today can you do something nice for yourself?  Just for today can you smile and be pleasant?  It's like house cleaning for me.  If I think of the whole job I have to do, I get overwhelmed with how much of it there is.  But if I break it down to "I just need to clean that one corner there", it isn't overwhelming anymore.  It's manageable.  My program is helping me to "clean up my life", to get rid of the junk and the dirt and replace it with nice things (behaviors/actions/thoughts) and I have to work on that every day.  Kinda like dusting.  You can dust once but the darn stuff keeps coming back!! LOL  I live in the country on a dirt road - I decided I can live with some dust. *wink* 

Congrats on your daughter - how precious they are!  I wish I had known Alanon when I was a young mom.  It's never too late though.  Keep coming back!

Love, Kis