The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am always amazed that I can do things for others I can't do for myself. I may have found the A somewhere to live. I don't think it is for me but for him it would work.
Of course I am going to ask him to come up with the money to move there. I am not going to pay if unless I live there. And I am leery and very very reluctant to live with the A again.
There are enormous hooks that keep me tied to the A. One is the legal aspect of getting the truck back. Even though I have a court order sayng the truck is mine implementing that order is a whole other step. I think it would be very expensive and very time consuming for me to do that. On the other hand I am not yet ready to simpy write off the truck. I do not talk to the A about that at all. I do not of course want him to know that it is no easy task for me to take the truck out of his hands. I let him believe I can get it tomorrow if I want to.
Another huge hook for me is that he is not well. This is besides his addiction issues. He has multiple ailments going on at the same time. He has treatment from the VA but the fact is he is quite ill and really needs taking care of. Of course I took care of him for years and never got much thanks for it. Nevertheless it is a given he is not well and is not robust. When he came back from his jaunt of running off and being homeless he looked terrible. He was weak and disorientated. He could barely walk.
Thank goodness his Uncle went to get him. I should also say that when the A called me he was absolutely adamant that I not let anyone know his situation. I did anyways. I did not go to some herculean heights in taking care of him. I called in his Uncle and his Uncle did take care of him. So I did not collude with him on his secrecy.
The other huge hook for me with the A is the dogs. I lived without them for 6 weeks or more. I have to say I cried every day of that 6 weeks. I am not able to just let the dogs go. I'm also not someone who could let the A take care of them. There is no question they suffered when the A simply took off with no funds and no plan. They are ok now but I really feel responsible for them and I know I'd rest easier if I knew they were being taken care of better. I could live with no living with them but the worry they were not being taken care of really hurt me. I knew instinctively they were not being taken care of properly and I was so right!
I really feel like my HP is looking out for me. This new situation I just found would work if I can get it together (it doesn't sound like too difficult a proposition at the moment). . I would not need to live with the A - I do not want to at this juncture even though the rescue side of me would have a field day doing it. That's one reason I know I shouldn't the tendency to rescue is so so huge for me!. I don't much trust him anymore. Another importan t point is I really don't have enough al anon under my belt to do it. Maybe at some point I could but I'm not there yet. He could afford it wihtout my puttin git (crucial for me) . The setting is rural which is something he craves. It is low cost. The distance is commutable for me I could visit on the weekend I would have some access to my truck (I would rather have daily access but I could live with this).
What I wonder is how come I can always pull something out of the hat for everyone else but it is so so hard for me to galvanize that kind of energy for me!!!
I have the same problem. The way I see it is that we have been caring for others and trying to keep everything together for so long that we have forgotten how to take care of ourselves as well. We are so used to sacrificing our happiness for others that to not do so would not feel "normal" to us. It's a lot easier to do things in our lives that feel "normal". We just need to learn to redefine "normal" to include ourselves. Does that make sense? It did in my head but you know how things are in there! Whoa scary in there!
I used to feel the same way. It is hard to let go. I think the thing that worked for me was to say I'm not doing him any favors by doing this. I'm just killing him faster. I'm taking away HIS choices by doing his work for him. I think this was the best thing for me. I know I wouldn't like it if someone took away all my choices! They don't like it when you stop making their choices for them because then they have to think for themselves and be responsible. They usually have never had to be responsible because SOMEONE was always there to bail them out and when you're not the one anymore they move on to find someone else who will be. Just my personal observations/opinion here.
