The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need a reality check. My A actually wants me to get a sitter for the kids so that we can "go out and see what happens."
So since last night my mind has wandered to all the scenerios that "could" happen and I can't think of one that is positive for me. The past few times he's been here I knew that's where he was going and I just wanted him to LEAVE. He's here to see the kids and he's not paying them any attention.
This is really messing with my program today. There was a time that I'd have died to have this -- I wanted to stand beside him no matter if he was swaying LOL. Only today I've taken off the rose colored glasses and I've moved on with so many areas of my life. He doesn't have a clue about me or who I am or what I do.
I never thought I'd say this but I really can't keep doing this. See his cycles are always the same. After about a month he'll drop us like a hotcake for his "great and busy life" of drinking, fishing and hanging out with his friends, cooking out with their wives and kids or going boating on the lake. While we wonder what happend.
Honestly, part of me feels sorry for him. Ugh! I feel bad for him -- he is progressing and it's not fun to watch. Part of me wants to step in and say "Hey we still love you, we'll always be here waiting for you, no matter what you do." Then I think -- that is INSANE. I don't want HIM to feel bad? What the heck is that?
I just can't believe that there is a part of me that actually hopes that it won't end up the same way it always ends up. I need to do what's best for me and the kids.
Luna, I so relate! My A is Mr. Cycle too, and danged if I don't at least feel SOME small hope that maybe "this is it", he's really on his way, he's going to meetings again, he fixed a gate, yada yada.
I don't try to feel hopeful, it just happens. Mostly I don't even realize it until I'm angry and hurt at the loss of hope when he goes off on another binge.
My heart is so guarded!
Take care hon, whatever you do is not right or wrong, it's about staying true whatever happens.
Ugh! The games addicts play! Who needs that? I certainly don't and neither do you. Your program isn't messing with you, it's your A. Your program is right where it's suppose to be - inside of you. No one can take that away from you. You know what to do and what's in the best interest of your family. You'll be fine.
Love and blessings to you and your children.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Wooohoooo! Thank you (((((Karilynn))) You made me laugh. Thank you for reminding me of what I know -- nothing changes if nothing changes.
No matter what I want, it is what it is and I do know what's best for me and the kids. I'm finally learning to be strong enough to do what's best for us. I'm leaving him to his HP.
And Kim, you're right -- it is about staying true.
