The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Hi everyone. I'm new here but after reading your posts, I feel comfortable. I am on my second tour of duty with my AH. He is currently in a treatment center for the second time in less than a year. The first time I felt so much hope and happiness. Guess that was my pink cloud experience. This time around I'm just angry and hurt and starting to doubt whether I can continue to be married to him. We were having marriage problems and he moved out in April. He checked into treatment in June. Now he is telling me he wants to come home when he gets out, and I just get this sick feeling in my stomach. I know I love him and I thought I wanted him to come home the whole time but now I'm not sure. There is so much to deal with, his sobriety, our marriage, his employment, my sanity. I just feel like I got my footing again and now I'm scared that if he comes home I'm going to get sucked back into the drama. But on the other hand, don't I owe it to our marriage and our kids to give it one last try if he's willing/able to be sober? I just dont know what to do.
I've been here since the beginning of this wk I think and already I feel a difference in how I feel. I'm currently living with my AH who hasn't gone to treatment but is trying (unsuccessfully) on his own to control it. Anyway, If I were in your shoes, I'd ask him to be sort of independent for awhile, keep in touch with his sponsers (isn't that what they're called?), come over for visits, go out for dinner together, make sure he's not getting straight back into the same old patters, etc. - I am not an expert, but that's what I would do - No one can blame you for not wanting to jump right back in with him as soon as he gets out, and if he consulted his sponsers abt it I think they'd tell him that it's totally understandable bc you and the family have been through alot. IMHO it's a transition that needs to be taken slowly. That's just what I think - but then again, I am fairly new here.
As far as not knowing what to do - How about Just Breathe - Deep Slow Breaths.
Sometimes that helps me calm down the inner craziness and try to focus on the Next Right Thing & One Day at a Time.
I hope that you will continue to post here, read recovery literature, attending Al-Anon meetings (on-line or f2f) and reach out to some recovery friends - these are the things that help me when I am dealing with overwhelming circumstances.
Don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve it.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Usually when I have gut feelings I have to sit back and sort them out. I always trust they are correct, but what they are exactly can get a little fuzzy. If you feel that you need time, take it. If you wish to be alone and test the waters for a bit, test it. If you feel you need to just observe your husband while he lives elswhere, observe. Do what you need to do for yourself. In the beginning we tend to worry so much about the alcoholics wants, needs, etc. Sometimes they try to manipulate by saying things like "If you don't______, you'll make me drink again". Don't buy into it. Grown adults make their own decisions. If he would choose to drink again it has nothing to do with you. OK? Do what you need. It's karrele's world!!
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome to MIP, I think you'll find some really good support here. I was recently in the same position as you. My AH was in Detox for 8 days after a binging night that caused a great deal of damage but luckily no lives were lost. After detox he went to a half-way house for two months. In the beginning I was not sure how I felt about him coming home either. I originally set out for it to be six months, but that changed. Take one day at a time. I used my time alone to work my program, work with my sponser, go to meetings, and find out what I needed to have continous peace and serenity in my life. My AH has been in home for two weeks now. The first couple of days were bumpy, now we are just taking our programs and our marriage one day at a time. There are no gaurentees in anything in our lives. I can say that life with him is much better than it was two or three months ago. You will have to decide how long you need to feel confident in your decisions. Everyone will have an opinion about how long to stay separated or get out of the relationship all together. Best thing I can say is do what feels right for you and yours. Blessings to you and your AH, hope you keep posting.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Thanks everyone. That kinda puts it in perspective. I am getting caught up in what AH needs or wants. I dont want to send him back to his apartment where he will be miserable and possibly relapse. I feel like if I want to support him I have to support him and do all I can to help him not relapse. I know the 3 C's, but I still have this feeling that if he believes being at home will make him happy, then why make him miserable? I dont want to be the one that says no and keeps the family apart. I know these feelings go against everything I've read and been told, but it doesnt make them any less real.
Nothing has been about me for such a long time, I just see his recovery as an inopportun time to have things start being about me.
Karrele, you sound so very smart and with-it. Taking an active part in AlAnon can help you tremendously. You need to learn to focus upon yourself, and when you learn to do that, you will be led to the right answer to your dilemma.
I fully understand your apprehension. Come back here as often as you can. It is a good place to be. So are AlAnon meetings. Do find a local group and begine attendnWith great caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I can see where this may not seem like the right time to start focusing on you, but in all that I have learned in dealing with this disease it is the perfect time.
The more I focus on myself and learn to do what is necessary to take care of me, then I step out of the way. The A's in my life will have the opportunity to have the choice, dignity and option to improve their contact with their HP.
It's not a selfish thing - it is really a giving thing - giving everyone dignity and respect - including yourself.
In taking care of ourselves, we become better parents, spouses, mates, co-workers, bosses, friends, etc - Because we are able to give support to others in a healthy way.
That is just my e,s, & h (experience, strength & hope),
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
