The material presented
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Thanks for all your posts to "my husband has announced he is 'done'" Well that lasted four days. Bill f. was right, just another ploy to control. We talked and it is amazing to me how somehow he made this out to be me, mostly.
"Do you want me to put my wedding ring back on?" he said.
To this quesstion I answered with another question, "Why did you feel the need to take it off? I didn't take mine off, even though I thought we were probably through."
"I don't know," I said. "I'll have to think on this one."
Back and forth, back and forth.....and I was just about getting accustomed to the "forth", so on and so forth.....forthwith, forthright....onward and upward. NOT backwards and downwards.
I don't know. Love the guy. That's all I know. But sometimes Love just ain't enough. (isn't there a song title like that? lol)
I seem to recall far too many of those "discussions." Looking back, I can't believe how much time and energy I wasted trying to get my active AH to have a rational discussion and to make a decision about what he wanted. I remember being told that I was attempting the impossible because we simply did not speak the same language--I didn't realize at the time how true that statement was. It is said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. If that is true, then I was just as insane as my AH was...why else would I keep trying to get him to do something that he was incapable of doing? I expected an A with the maturity level of a 16 or 17 year old to have a sober, rational, mature discussion about his deepest thoughts and feelings. I sure wish I had found Al-Anon sooner than I did even though I do believe that everything happens for a reason and I walked into the rooms exactly when I was supposed to.
Hang in there!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I used to take off my wedding ring and wait for the A to notice it was gone. Never happened. One day I told him I had stopped wearing it. He seemed irritated, but then it passed. I put it back on of my own accord. I wanted him to try harder to fix the marriage; that's what the ideal response would have been for me. Well, basically I just wanted attention I guess. Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
This has been a pattern in my relationship/marriage with my AH. What I'm learning is that he has used this as a threat tactic to manipulate me into getting something that he wants. He has heard many times, you don't take that issue off the shelf unless your bags are packed and ready to go, its just not o.k. to use the relationship as a weapon to wield when you feel frustrated or angry. Maybe it was something he saw his parents do, don't know.
So now if he uses this, my answer will be "think clearly on this because words can be hurtful", don't just say it unless you mean it. It is painful going through the thoughts of losing a marriage and then your spouse coming back and saying well, I'm not ready yet lets give it another try. People don't just bounce back like that. If AH is angry I tend to tune out these words now because its anger or something else talking. I know he doesn't want to lose me or the family because his actions show that, but his temper just needs to catch up.
I have set a boundary with this, you can't use it unless you really mean it. If you don't mean it and you say it, then be prepared for me being upset, hurt, distant, I won't budge in my decisions just because you have declared that the marriage is not working for you at the moment. Maybe try having a boundaries conversation when you feel up to it. Hope you have a peaceful day today.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Perhaps the only way to change it is to attach a consequence to it - ie. If you say you are "Done" be prepared to either be taken at your word or be ready to take some action that demonstrates you are not really done, like going to councilling, and AA meeting, anything that will back up this "change of heart". Good Luck.
I took my rings off when I filed the separation papers back in January while my AH was off on a month long binge. After he returned from the binge are realized he wasn't allowed home any more and that I had the papers, it took him a couple of weeks to take his rings off.
Since then we have decided to try to work things out. He is clean and sober and working on staying healthy. He moved back home a couple of months ago and put his rings back on about a month ago. I did not. He would ask me every once in a while WHEN was I going to put my back on and I simply said I didn't know. I realized this past weekend that I really didn't know what I was waiting on. What was I expecting to happen to help me decide to put them on? Was I waiting for him to fall off the wagon again so I would feel like I was right in keeping them off? Was I waiting for some sign from my HP to prove that he would stay clean and sober and never break my heart again? I just don't know. So I decided that maybe it was time for ME to put mine back on. Maybe it was time for me to show my AH that I was really working on our marriage and not just going through the motions. So I put them back on this past weekend.
Honestly though....I feel no different. Rings on or off. Married or not married. My AH has put me through so much that marriage just doesn't hold the sacred meaning to me any more. Rings don't symbolize much to me either. They are pretty on my finger and that is about it. I am devoted to my AH and always have been. He hasn't always been and I guess w/all of the crap he has put me through, there is no promise he can make me that I will fully believe any more. So what is the point in the rings for me? Like I said, they are pretty and I guess by wearing them, it shows outsiders that we are working on saving our marriage vs ending it.
Everyone feels differently about wedding rings. I guess you just have to figure out what they mean to you and go from there. Sorry this was so long...I got to rambling.
"Do you want me to put my wedding ring back on?" he said.
Java, I'd be careful how you answer, it sounds like a loaded question to me.... "Can I keep dishing out the same crap to you time and time again?"
It might be a good opportunity to set some boundries in that department. It sounds like you were feeling good about the thought of moving forward. Let him know that. Then see if he is interested in joining you on that venture, maybe that will provide the answer in regards to whether or not HE wants to put the ring back on.
((((Java)))) For me, sometimes I have to force myself to stay quiet with my qualifier. Recognizing that I don't have the answers for him and that I am only working on the answers for my own questions. I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation, but I thought I would throw out there, that maybe he should decide for himself. This has been a huge boundary issue for me and my qualifier who can be extremely manipulative.
Thanks for all your input, it has helped a lot. As for me I kept my rings on the whole time. He decided, by himself to put his back on. We are taking it One Day at a Time.
I sure wish I had found Al-Anon sooner than I did even though I do believe that everything happens for a reason and I walked into the rooms exactly when I was supposed to. 
