The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello.I am brand new to Al-Anon and while I do not know much about it here goes: I am so tired of my alcoholic boyfriend.We lived together up until 2 days ago when I left with out 23 month old son. He drinks constantly.Has been in rehab about 7 times in the past 10 years. We have been together for 4 years and it just disgusts me already that I do this to me and my son. That I allow it really.He calls me names every name you can think of. He constantly calls me fat and ugly and yes I did gain a lot of weight after the baby but I have never seen anyone be like this to someone they love.The other night for no reason he pushed me off of our porch into a bush where I got very bad bruises and scrapes. He used to hit me even worst especially while pregnant. So two nights ago I left and went to my mothers who told me if I do not leave for good this time she will take my son because it is crazy to put him in that situation and she is right. Last night and this morning I tried to call the house (we rent a house together) but no answer. Then his boss calls his cell phone which I had in my purse and starts cursing that he left early yesterday and didnt come in today and that if he doesnt call he is fired. I called the house and no answer.His mother was very worried and went to the house and his car is there but she looked in the windows and he was not home. We have no idea what he has done this time. Sometimes he jumps on the train and goes to Manhattan (we live on Long Island). It just makes me angry that he could not even call to see how the baby is or even apologize. For like the past 2 years it is as though he looks at me with such hatred. I have done so much for our family and nothing changed him at all. He has been to rehab, jail for hitting me but he always promised change and a week later was up to the same stuff. He is an electrician and has changed jobs over 8 times in 4 years. I have kept the same one.I do not understand what is so difficult. I do want to make one thing clear on here I am a recovering cocaine addict. I have been clean since July 19, 2004.Not one day goes by that I do not thank God. Other than that I do not even think about drugs EVER!!! I changed for me, my family and since then God has blessed me with a beautiful son. I went to rehab once and it changed my life. Why is everyone so different?Why? I never needed anything but that, no meetings, no therapy just God, my family and my heart and soul into it. I do not even really remember being that person that is how much I have changed. Nothing matters to this man.We went out a few times and at a restaurant we went to he started holding some other womans hand and hugging herthis was like 2 months agoI have never felt so shocked and so like empty I guess the word is. Why do we care and why do we stay?I want to keep telling myself that it is over and that I am gone for good but now he is fired so who is going to be responsible for the bills? I have no clue I guess as to what to do except I know I must be sick to stay and I cannot possibly be a normal mother to put my son through that at all. Sorry for this long postI needed to say something after being quiet for so long.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can with what you've got. Keep comming and posting and get to a f2f meeting. I have found love and support in this program no matter if I decided to stay with the A or leave. This program and these people have loved me when I couldn't love myself and when my A didn't love me. Your life will get better and therefore your son's life will get better.
Unfortunately just because you got your ducks in a row doesn't mean he will. You've been around long enough to see some of your friends OD and use the revolving door policy. You've also been around long enough to see the benefits of what happens when you work the steps and stick with the program (your son!). He isn't your real problem, believe it or not. If you can beat coke, you can do anything. Stick around here, and find out.
This man is mentally and physically abusive, and your child sees it. It is totally senseless for you to keep yourself and your precious child in this condition. I hope you have reported his abominable behavior to the police. You aren't even married, so you are not legally bound to this man at all except for the unfortunate fact that he is the father of your dear child. Let him handle his own problems, and do not pick him up off the ground when he falls. If you do, you will spend your entire life enabling him and sinking deeper and deeper into the mire yourself. There is a warm, safe, and happy life out there. The sooner you grab for it, the better off you and your baby son will be. That is unless you want the baby to grow up like his father.
I hope you will continue to come here to MIP and listen to the experience, strength, and hope that abounds here. Only I will lay the complete, ugly truth on you. God I hate to see good people waste their lives because, "I love him." Believe me, if he loved you or your son he would not be pushing, shoving, hitting, and calling names.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Run fast, Run hard and Run far. Keep coming back, listen to peoples experiences but most importantly keep yourself and your dear child safe. Call the police, get a restraining order, do whatever you have to do.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
We are not supposed to give advice in alanon but are supposed to speak to our experiences. I have lived in an abusive situation in my life. I should have left much sooner. If I had to do it again I would Run fast, Run hard and Run far. In my experience abuse does not get better.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
I agree with Diva. I had to come to terms that putting a child/children through this is child abuse. No one had the right to harm my children, mentally and by gawd I am there mother and I deserve the respect. It won't change until you get out and put a stop to it. Your son will only grow up to learn that it's ok to treat woman this way, do you want that? I don't think so. I was told this by a professional, a doctor! You have got to save this child whatever you do. You are all this little boy has. Protect him. Good luck sweetheart
Keep coming back! Can you get to a face to face meeting? Take care of your son by all means. It is so good that you got all that off your chest so you can start thinking more clearly. It is a disease that wants to takes us down with it. But there is help here in Alanon.
Two people can have breast cancer, one has treatment, one does not. The one who got treatment dies before the one who chose not to.
Or two people have cancer, their symptoms are totally different.
Alcoholism is a disease, no two bodies are the same, no one reacts the same to a disease. In the 90's, the markers were found in dna that predispose someone to being an addict. Fairly recently they now have a test a person can take to know if they are predisposed to being an Addict.
From what I understand there are more than one or two markers too. The more you have the better the chance you are an addict.
I am so glad to hear you are doing well. Sounds like you have a precious child too. Good for you for being brave and leaving.It is hard to leave what is familiar. When we leave it is a major stress. Even though in the long run things are usually better, it is still very hard for awhile as you get used to your new life.
Why do horses run back into a burning barn? It is familiar,it is home.
I hope we see you more on here. Welcome. love,debilyn
I have to agree with Tiger. If you overcame coke addiction, you can overcome anything. I hope you find it in yourself to do what is right and most healthy for you and your child. Living what you are living can let us forget how strong we really are. My suggestion is to put your head down like a bull and plow through whatever it takes to keep you and your son safe and happy. Remember happy? Always remember you have choices in this life. You are not stuck. You have a whole life ahead of you with opportunity waiting to be tapped.
As the saying goes, "Nothing changes if nothing changes, and if I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always got, and will keep feeling what I always felt."
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome Ler, and congratulations on your upcoming three year birthday!!! I too am an alcoholic, have not drank for four years by the grace of HP.
My AH has been to treatment six times himself. For the life of me, I have given up trying to "figure out" why he keeps relapsing. In my own experience with alcohol, it was so hard to quit, the first year was awful sometimes, I would NEVER want to go through that again. So no, I don't get it but I don't get black holes and antimatter, either :D .
It's so awful how physical and mental battering become almost normal in our lives. From someone who's not been physically battered, reading that you were battered WHILE pregnant, shoved off the porch and injured is almost unbearable. Girl, be careful.
Congrats on removing yourself from the situation, sounds like your mom is great support.
I like Deb's comment about horses running back to the burning barn. I have a lot of different animal creatures, and sure enough, we are just like them except we have opposable thumbs.
Please please keep yourself and son safe, and keep coming back to let us know what's happening for you.
I guess the easiest thing is to go back. Now this morning I started getting the "I'm sorry, drinking ruins everything for us" phone calls from him. But they are not really sincere. It is like a mind game that keeps me feeling so crazy. I do remember happyChristy...wow, you saying that made me remember how I used to be and what I have become. I will be going to a meeting very soon. I just got the list today. You know, so many people judge in life and you all are so nice and great. Everyone always says bad things to me like "you keep doing it to yourself" or "just elave already. You are not a good mom if you stay." THe words you all told me were a lot more encouraging than hearing more negative things from my friends and family. I believe that Al-Anon just mae the place for me.
Welcome to MIP & congratulations on your success in battling your addictions.
In my experience, I have found unconditional love, support and acceptance here and at my f2f Al-Anon meetings - I hope that you will be able to find the same.
Keep coming back, don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve them.
Learning to Live Life Happy, Joyous and Free - One Day at a Time, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
What people are saying to you are not "bad things." You tell a horrifying story; anyone in his/her right mind is going to think you should get out before worse harm comes to you and your child. Not everyone will say it. You say it is easier to stay. Stay? Stay and be hit, ridiculed, and abused in any way he sees fit? I cannot imagine anyone, even in AlAnon agreeing that it is in your best interest to stay. SOmetimes I just have to shake my head in wonder and then pray for the best. THis is one of those times.
I say this because I do care for you and your child. Not because I am mean or thoughtless. My soul cries out in agony in fear for your safety.
You can come back here any time and find people who will listen and hope. But when it comes down to it, we make our own way, good or bad. Staying with an alcoholic is often a choice which is acceptable. Staying with ANYONE, alcoholic or not, who physically abuses is choosing a bleak future, and possibly even no future at all.
Think about your son if you cannot put yourself above this.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Welcome to MIP, I have to say that I agree 100% with Diva on this one. The cycle of abuse can be very agonizing. The apologies the "honeymoon" period of I'll make it up to you and "I'll never do it again". It gets old doesn't it? Physical, emotional, verbal, any kind of abuse is unacceptable. Period. You and your child are too precious to live in this kind of hell. You took the first step and were brave in leaving. You can take another step if you choose to. Glad you are here, glad you were able to overcome your own addictions.
Stay safe, best way to keep your child safe is to keep yourself safe. Hope you continue to post you will have an immense amount of support here.
Peace to you and your precious child, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
