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SOmeone please explain to me why AlAnon says, "What other people think of me is none of my business." Truly I do not care much what other people think, and "think" is the operative word here.
I would not call myself a people-pleaser to excess, but all of us know one or two people whose opinion we respect, and who we hope think well of us. Don't lie and say you don't because I know better!!! Besides, if someone is circulating hurtful and untruthful rumors, I feel it certainly IS my business. Attacks upon a person's reputation can take on all the earmarks of character assassination and defamation. Hey! If that happens to me, IT IS MY BUSINESS. So...what other people think of me can, indeed, become my business. There are some things we cannot ignore.
JMHO,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
That's one of my very favourite sayings, so I guess I'll offer my opinion on this one.... The saying stems from the fact that some of us, especially when we are hurting, pay WAY more attention to what other people think of us, than we do to what we think of ourselves. That saying, to me, simply is a bit of a measure of self esteem, as in.... "If I like me, then it's not all that important what others think of me".
How many times do we hear from friends such things as "my brother/mother/spouse/cousin/friend/etc says I am ########, and they have hurt my feelings!". I think living that saying, that "what you think of me is none of my business", is a mark of healthiness, where I can NOT lose any sleep over the fact that not everyone is going to like every aspect of me, etc...
Just my two bits T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
To me, it is an aspect of 'accept the things I cannot change" - our part of it is to behave in such a way as to insipre the feelings in others that we would wish them to have. Whether they actually DO feel that way about us is beyond our control.
This is especially important when deal ing with our A's - for instance, I may act in such a way as to be a beloved and cherished wife. However, because I am dealing with a sick person, he may not love and cherish me. No matter what I do I can't *make* him love me, all I can do is be the best wife I can be.
I can see this being a very important thing to remember if you grew up in a alcholic home - just because your parents did not love and care for you as parents should is not your problem or your fault - you did your part by being a kid, it was *they* who did not carry out their end of the bargain. So many who grew up among alcoholics believe deep down that the reason they were not loved is because they were not lovable, but that is not true. It was the sickness of the *other person*, not any fault of their own.
Have always wondered about that one. I value the opinion of some people in my life greatly. I consider them to be extremely wise womyn.
I have learned with some people to not give a hoot what they think. If I have set a boundary with a consequence, someone crosses that boundary and I enforce it they could very well think that I am a Beautiful Intelligent Talented Cherished Human. In those circumstances I really do not care what they think. I will say "I can see how in your alcohol induced haze you would see things this way" but I certianly do not have to agree with them or personalize their comments.
As to rumour monging or spreading of gossip that is hurtful and is my business. I have seen people destroyed by this.
As alway, love your thought provoking posts.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
For me, when I reached "what they thought about me didn't matter" it was freedom.
I couldn't understand not worrying about what other people thought about me - appearances meant everything. Didn't matter that all of it was a lie, but what others thought carried more weight than the truth.
Then thru healing & recovery, I learned that didn't work for me anymore.
So today, if I have a valid reason for not doing something - even tho the rest of my family of origin "thinks" I should - it doesn't matter to me - I can do what is right for me. They may try to put the guilt on me, tell me how awful I am, or other things - I choose to be real to myself. Those who want to believe what they say can, or they can come ask me for the truth - doesn't matter - I'm good either way. Prior to recovery I could have never done that - Al-Anon showing me what others think of me is none of my business has helped me gain that perspective.
Good topic Diva, I'm enjoying reading the different post on this.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
For me, it means I refuse to get caught up in someone else's self imposed drama. I choose not to engage and be a part of their BS. It happened to me here on MIP. This person complained about me to anyone that would listen (I'm not exaggerating). There were several digs to me on the board and in chat too. I did not respond. I even got a PM that said..what was it? I was evil, cruel, and something else, I can't recall. All the while I was doing nothing to rebuke the lies. Ironically it was here I learned the concept of JADE. Do not Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.
I recognized that to try to defend the lies would have made me look as insane as the person producing them. I'm still here and the person doing those deeds is not. So I guess that speaks for itself.. And I REALLY didn't care what that person thought of me, obviously. What I did know was that people that knew me wouldn't believe the year's worth of B.S. that was presented to lots of people for the sake of a pity party. The person's reputation preceded all these events anyway. Any of the lies told just really didn't justify any type of comment from me. LOL..and I heard all about it all the time. It got to be rather entertaining. :) Truthfully, I knew the person was mentally sick. I couldn't quite muster up compassion, but I'm real glad I ignored the person's hatefulness. without reacting in public. I can't imagine what would have happened if I gave fuel to the fire. By not really caring what other's think of me, I stay on a pretty even keel. They can't suck me in, They can't get a rise out of me, They can't touch me. And...I can't change what someone thinks anyway. Don't get me wrong, I'd get upset and bite my lip when blatant digs were made in chat and here, it was real hard sometimes not to lash out and call the person a crazy **&x*%# b*tch.. But I'd talk to people I trust and never give the person the satisfaction of a response. I think after a year it probably drove the person even more nuts that they couldn't get to me no matter how hard they tried..lol And trust me, that person tried REAL hard.
Do I feel like a mouse because I didn't defend myself? No way. I had nothing to defend and you can't fight insanity anyway. I know who I am. That's all that matters to me.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 16:21, 2007-06-13
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
It's my fav too Diva , my part in any relationship is just to show respect to others , rumours are just that there is always someone who is not going to agree with me or who God forbid really doesen't like me . I can listen to the crap and if I havent done it , I let it go . If I did I know I need to make amends. Gossip can really destroy people if we let it and I simply don't go there. I love the fact that I can love someone for an hr (meeting) tolerance was not a biggie for me when I arrived here , so that for me is huge. I don't have to like every one I meet but I can support thier efforts at recovery . If I hear anything really nasty I go directly to the person it came from say my piece and leave. the crap dosent have to come home with me . Louise I have learned to apologize when I need to and ignore when stuff is directed at me . if it isn't true . I truly do ignore it . Diva I remember a woman saying that if every where u go , (meetings) people think your great and like you ---- your not going to enough meetings . gotta love it
I must let all of you know that I am not the brunt of vicious gossip. Glad for that. But I think sometimes about the people who are, and I wonder how they can say they are not concerned. Some of you are simply amazing. Thanks for the replies.
Best of good wishes to all,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
When someone comes to me with gossip about me , I cannot help but wonder what Thier agenda is . I understand having aproblem with certain people God knows i sure do , but if I discuss it with someone one on one I expect it to stay there . don't know if that makes sence hmmmmm. but again as long as I take care of me , apologize if I need to and i have learned here to never say I am sorry for something I didn't do .
Diva this made me think, I thought about how I felt when I walked into a classroom, or when I had the tough kids. Or recently I met a new friend.
I honestly don't ever think about what they think of me. Weird huh? I,when I meet anyone else, do my best to look for the good in them, the heart in them. If they are phoney, not real, putting on a show, I basically feel nothing. I care about them as a person, but don't label them, but don't enjoy them.
When I felt basically attacked here, I felt very secure in myself. Because if I give my experience, it is true, and I only mean well, whether someone likes me or not is not part of the equasion. How can I be concerned about that, when my goal here is to share and learn.
If I feel someone is not responding to me or I just "feel" something, I will ask them because I want to make sure I did not say something that may have been misunderstood and I hurt them.
So in the Al Anon situation, no I don't care what people think of me. Guess it is my nature. Even when I was young, I rathered stay home and be with one good friend riding horses than go with "the group" and go shopping. I had friends of all kinds. My good friend, even now of forty one years.. sheesh, said to me once, you are so popular, why do you talk to people like that.
I just could not relate. I liked THEM.
With the A, I know in my heart the man I married and loved all my life, is in love with me, loves me, aches for me. The disease has ruined it. I could not care any less if this disease likes me or not. I hope it doesn't. If it did, then I must be enabling somewhere....
don't know if I made any sense. As far as my family, then of course I want their love and acceptance of me, just how I am.
Probably kinda hard since I am such a square peg... and like it. hugs diva, love,debilyn
That little "saying" is something I remember hearing as a teenager going to Alanon with my mom. We are such social creatures, and like you, I can't find it in myself to deny that what someone thinks of me doesn't matter. That it's none of my business makes perfect sense, though.
For me, no one can know me inside or out enough to judge me because what they see about me is filtered through their own "stuff". I don't really expect to be "seen as I am", or to have accurate assessments of my character by another, good OR bad. The same for how I see other people. We can't know each other well enough. That doesn't mean I can't get valuable input from others, it's just up to me to accept it or not.
Also, living with an active A has made it very clear to me just how twisted and WRONG my actions or words can be taken :D . Sometimes I just stare at him speechless! When he's HERE, that is, rather than on Jupiter.
It was mentioned that this subject was about detatchment. That sounds good to me. Live and let live. If I'm "entitled" to an opinion, so is everyone else even if they are wrong. Of course it bothers me if someone appears to be angry with me, for instance. But who am I to be so special I can't pi$$ someone off?
"What other's think of me is none of my business" is one of my favorites.
I do not take it literally, there are people who's opinions matter to me very much. Applying this saying to my life allowed me to make rough decisions without being terrified of who thought what about whatever I am doing, who's opinion I actually valued and why, and allowed me the freedom of making choices based on my needs. I had forgotten how to do that without thinking of how it would effect everyone else, perhaps trying to make up for the A in my life who's every action seemed to have no thought for anyone else.
I wish I could say I never think about what other's think of me or that I didn't care but I do. I can be happy with not letting it bring me down, or keep me tied into situations that are uncomfortable.
I know when I left the A I was very worried about upsetting him, hurting his feelings, etc. etc. I didn't want him to think I was a b****. Now I really don't care. I think that's the core of the meaning of this. It's not my problem what he thinks of me it's his.
Great question. I sometimes have a hard time with that one at work. Because being in retail "customer service" is the buzz word. While I want to give great service, I do not have to be at the end of a nasty attack from the customer. It bothers me when they get angry with me for things that are out of my control and there are times I take it way to personally. I do care what my bosses think of me for obvious reasons. Like they pay my bills. I pretty much do not engage in the rumor mill at work, because frankly, I'm too old! lol
Now when it comes to people outside of work that's a different story. Some of my relatives are so caught up in nasty gossip and being nosy about everybody else's business that I have cut off ties with them. That's gotten me into trouble with other relatives. But I refuse to be drawn into their drama. So whatever they think of me, so be it. I can't change them, and it's not up to me to do it.
I have to work on being me. I would much rather spend my time being healthy and happy inside and out then waste the energy on things I can't control. My friends love me for me, foibles and all. My family does the same. More importantly I love me. People who are so wrapped up in what other people think of them, tend to be insecure and have other issues that are way beyond me. I only hope they can get the help they need if they desire to change.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
