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My now sober ah is still very good at this, the thing is, it pushes those around him that love him away, We, his children, and me, his wife don't understand why, out of the blue usually he will do this, we all seem to be happy and then it happens, it's very upsetting, we try to ignore and not react and detach but he still continues this destructive behaviour, the sad thing is he suffers too because our defences go up, and it prevents him in many cases seeing the best side of us because we hold back, not to be cruel but as a reaction to the provacation. I alway's thought it was just a form of communication but he does seem to get, some smug sence of satisfaction out of it, it's ever so sad really because we would do anything for him but when he's being like this he's his worst enemy, at my meeting last night the topic was, tollerance! I don't want to have to tollerate this, do you think there are any Alanon tools we could use to fix the problem?
Oh boy. Hi Katy! I have a provocateur myself. Though it is not as important as maintaining the focus on ourself, my interp of this behavior is that it is sadistic and very, very angry.
My A has pretty much always been like this, sober or not. I've felt like someone's little sister being tormented by the A being the bratty older brother.
One tool I've used (and sometimes I whack myself with it) is to recognize the helpless angry feeling I get is MYSELF regressed, meeting him at his same level by reacting, arguing, saying equally mean things right back, etc.
I have had to work very hard to "not" respond at all. I may be pretty easy going but I'm also "fiesty" and have quite a collection of responses that have NEVER made one bit of difference. I'm ashamed to say I've gotten into real sick back and forth's with him as if one of us were trying to win. And yes, I WAS trying to win!!
And to my distress, the A always won, no matter how incredibly true and insightful my jabs back at him were :D .
What do I mean by "he won"? Only very recently has it occurred to me that ANY response, even a grunt or a sigh is exactly what he's after, or what his "anger" is after. If I allow myself to get very upset or hurt or most likely, angry right back, my A's whole countenance changes . . . he relaxes, almost smiles, and your phrase "smug satisfaction" fits the bill! All my verbal creativity and powerful insight into his bad behavior (rolling eyes) thrown in his face comes back TO ME threefold at least. It's clear my "powerful correctness" bounces right off of him. It's not a true two way kind of interchange (as you mention communication). For what it's worth, when my A is in a provocative mood, there is no one else in existance but him and this cardboard cut-out "nonperson" (me).
It's something I've struggled with our entire marraige. I'm sure our A's are very different in what they say to "provoke", but I believe the "principle" is the same.
So back to the Alanon tools.
Knowing my A's likely motive was the starting place. My guess is he is blowing off tension, and it has nothing to do with me at all. So I imagine his "jabs" as little spears that bounce right off. It's not really personal to me. Many times when I don't respond, my A will repeat himself, say it louder, or even follow me around if he's desperate enough to get his kicks. This informs me how desperate he is to "unload" his anger. I will literally leave the house at that point.
My A loves an audience, and when he does this in public places I act as if he has Tourette's syndrome and "overlook" his outburst. I imagine his little dig falling flat on the ground and splattering all over him. I used to think if I didn't fight back I'd look like a door mat. I no longer believe this, thank HP.
So for me it's back to detatching myself (not personal) and maintaining awareness of my own tendency to regress along with him.
And it is very sad. I'm willing to say this provocation/anger thing in my A has done more to undermine my trust and comfort with him than the alcoholism itself. I have put much distance between us. I am still vulnerable to it and just plain TIRED of it, so distance is important for me. Unfortunately, distance is exactly what the A does NOT want, but he has yet to clue in that it's HIS behavior that drives people away.
Sorry this got long, it just hits so close to home!
My husband used to seem to enjoy it when I behaved badly - he would push me until I would snap and act out, and then he would be satisfied. Maybe bringing others down to his level made him feel better about himself - "She's no better than I am, see!"
Anyway it's a sick cycle, and once I caught on to what he was doing, it was an added incentive to me not to behave badly - just didn't want to be part of that whole mess.
So I guess the alanon tool I would use here is - focus on your own behaviour, not that of the A, keep your own side of the street clean, 'let it begin with me', be the person you want to be, and don't worry too much about who he is being.
What I think he's really doing, and I think to a large extent you may find yourself participating in, is that he's pushing old buttons that have always been in your relationship, it's that they have been dulled or covered up by new buttons from the alcholism. What may be the most effective tool is being direct, clear and consice. Saying things like "When you say things like ______, what I hear is _____, and I feel _____. I would appreciate it if you would say things such as ______ when you want/need/feel/hear/see something." It might also be wise to simply exit the room when he tries to push your buttons, saying smething like "I'm not going to play these games with you/give you a fight/argue with you. When yuo want to talk like an adult with me, I'll be here. In the mean time, I'm going to excuse myself." Or, if he's trying to commmunicate and all that's being communicated is manipulative hurt, it might be wise to try and say I reflective statements "What I'm hearing you say is..." "What I'm understanding you to say is..." "What I believe you're saying is..." "Am I understanging you when you say ____ that you mean____" If all else fails, it takes two to argue, and silence is the better part of valor.
I know all too well the behavior you are talking about. My experience is similar to yours. When I started applying the Alanon tools however and argueing back less and less, a funny thing happened. My a behavior became more and more outrageous. He would fly into more frequent rages and became more mentally abusive. If I left the house then that was a sign of my "irratic" behavior and how I just flee if anything gets "too rough". My a apparently really needs drama in his life. I finally took a good long hard look at myself and at what I was doing. Was I really keeping my side of the street clean? I wasn't argueing back, but did that mean that I was doing everything I could for myself and family? For me, I came to the realization that I was putting myself and my daughter in harms way by being too accepting. I also realized that I was shielding my a from the inevidable consequences of his actions. I finally decided that what was happening was truly unacceptable behavior and I didn't have to accept it. I was not helping myself and my self esteem, nor was it doing anything for my daughter either. As well as I was setting a really poor example for my child. I decided to be my own best friend and what would I say to a good friend or my daughter if she were ever in the situation I was in. I knew the answer, but was putting my will above everything else. I didn't want to leave my husband. For all his faults, I still love him. Finally he flipped out on me and you know what my daughter did? NOTHING. She had totally shut down emotionally. I knew at that moment, to hell with what I wanted. Above all else, I had to protect her. So I left. I have been staying up at my mom's for 3 weeks now. My husband has flip-flopped on whether or not he is an alcoholic and wether or not he will quit drinking. He has flip-flopped on taking any responsibility for his rages. He has flip-flopped on whether or not he wants a divorce or he wants to stay together. I now pray for God's will to be done and not my own. I say the serenity prayer too. It helps me greatly. I go to f2f meetings. I talk with my friends. I feel strongly about my commitment to my husband. I feel like despite the problems I have continued to love, honor, and cherish him. I also have a commitment to my child. I must protect her and teach her right from wrong. I feel like right now I am doing both. I love my husband, I just have to do it from far away right now.
Yes, the A in my life (I thinkt hat is how you write it) does the same thing. I used to be so calm and collected in our relationship. Now he whispers things or even acts like he didn't say them just to make me go nuts. He says things happened when i know they didn't or he says I said things that I know I didn't just to make me feel crazy. He will out of no where call me fat or sh*t foir brains...that is his favorite and if I cry he laughs and loves it. I do not understand anymore.
My husband used to seem to enjoy it when I behaved badly - he would push me until I would snap and act out, and then he would be satisfied.
My H did this frequently. We came from very different families in regard to behavior. In his family, screaming, name calling and throwing things was considered perfectly acceptable, To me, it was appalling. There was always a great look of satisfaction on his face when I lost it and behaved crazily.
I also think it not only gives them satisfaction, but a great way to justify. I lost it in public one night, in front of friends. Would you want to wager that when we left their home that night, they were both thinking, "If I was him, I would drink too."
One day, it just occurred to me that I was allowing him to control me in this way. I refused to play ball anymore. Of course, A decided this meant that I didn't care, so he would try harder to pick a fight for a while. Eventually he quit. Ironically, by the time he got help, I was as happy in my marriage as I could be (for the circumstances, anyway) If I had not come to realize some of the truths of alcoholism, I'd be a crazy mess.
