The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm sitting here wondering if I'm being cruel. Two days ago the A has told me he hates me, to fxxx off, never to contact him. Today he denies saying any of this and asks to meet up tomorrow. He says I'm being horrible to him. I said I can't do it. I never know how I stand. He tells me he knows I love him so why am I being like this. I'm tired of uncertainty, tired of him being nasty sometimes when he is sober. I feel I'm being cruel by trying to part. Am I wrong? I'll probably give in, but then maybe I'm to drained to live my life like this.
Muppet, there isn't really a right or wrong action for you to take here. Perhaps your ambivalence means you just aren't "sure" yet. That is completely fine. What do you want to do?
You will not be a bad woman or a door mat if you respond and give him what he wants. You are doing it because you WANT to do it. Based on the results of meeting up with him, you can make good use of that information. Or, you might just be too drained right now and need your space. NOTHING wrong with refusing him. How your A reacts is entirely his own choice and responsibility.
When I was very young (OK I was thirty!) I visited a friend in New Mexico with a beautiful cactus garden. One in particular was covered with long, silky soft hairs -- NOT! I was soaking those little spines out of my fingers and palm for about a week. It hurt and festered, too. I'm not petting a cactus, no matter how soft looking, ever again.
I can take "being hurt" by another person under quite a few circumstances, I was a psych nurse for fifteen years. But no one can "hurt me" like my AH. I am tired of hurting for days after going round with him. This thought process helps me make decisions for myself. Whatever you decide, we're here and would love to hear how it went for you and how you feel after, what you learned about yourself, how you kept your mouth shut or didn't (don't we all know THAT one). Please take care, you may be less confused than you think!
Muppet, So many of us can relate to what your saying. My A husband has not drank alcohol in 5 months and we still have bouts of this. It blows my mind when I come home from work and he acts like the day before never happened, and doesn't understand whats wrong with me. The first thing I've learned here is that you have to take care of yourself first. Thats hard, we haven't done it in a long time. Then you need to come to terms with that it's ok you don't have all the answers you need right now. That was another one that I'm still fighting with. Keep posting, and if you can not post read. It's amazing to realize that your truely not alone. take care
it has been my experience that, when talking to my alcoholic wife, if my feelings are all over the place, and i don't know what she means or how she feels about me, her, or anything... it is usually because she does not want me to know, or she does not even know herself. MANIPULATION. that is one of her tools. she understood (before i had program) that she could make me feel crazy and almost always give in to what she wants. (the funny thing is, i loved her, and if had just come out and honestly asked, i would've been agreeable to most things she wanted?!!) before program, i jumped right in the confusion and played these games... it made me insane (i think she had already qualified).
anyhow, now that i have quite a bit of experience, strength and hope (ESH) to bank on, i have found that HONEST and OPEN COMMUNICATION can do wonders. if my Awife reverts back to lies and manipulation, i end the conversation. i see things clearly, today, and i have a boundary with anyone that tries to muddy my water!!!
best of luck to you -- keep coming back!!!
there is no right or wrong way; the only way, is the way you decide is best for you and your situation. keep your chin up and do something nice for you. bubblebath, or a walk, or a nap, etc!!!
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Was he by any chance drunk when he said what he did? If so, he could have blacked out and truly not remember saying anything like that. Sometimes they'll even be talking to and about themselves, but it seems as if they're talking to and about you. I've been amazed listening to my A talk hatefully about himself in the third person when I wasn't in the room. He'd be saying "you this" and "you that." If I had been there, I'd have thought he was talking to me. Finally he'd say something that let me know the tirade was directed at himself.
In any case, it seems everyone is really on target -- you'll know what to do when you know it, and not before then. I've found it's best not to try to force a decision before I'm ready. There comes a point where I just know, and I don't think I've ever been unhappy with anything I decided then.
Sure know what you mean about being tired. You get tired of being tired, even!
