The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Most times, as some of you have read, I'm a flood of emotions.
My A husband stated quite frankly last night that I need to get to a place where I'm happy again. I just about choked on my own air. I stood there with my mouth opened in absolute amazement. I was truely shocked, but he took it as scarcasm and had all kinds of nice things to say regarding that. Anyways what still surpirses me is that Iv'e always pretended that things were ok, no matter what was happening. But now I don't have the need to hide it anymore. I have no more secrets, the families know, our friends know, I'm going to counseling and Al anon meetings. It's out! So I don't have to pretend if I don't want to. And I'm not happy, my marriage is bad, our son who still lives at home is having issues in school and experimenting with pot and alcohol, our daughter just had a baby and lives 100 miles away and is having issues with her husband. And yes, I'm still dealing with it alone. No I'm not super happy right now, and for the first time, I'm ok with not being happy right now. It's where I need to be to work through all this crap. Anyways...this is what I'm really blogging for this time....
I'm finding that either in a meeting or within these blogs I hear tid bits of things that make me stop and look around. Every once in a while someone comes along and says whats in their heart that they had to have just pulled out of mine. I find myself looking around to see who is seeing right through me, it's freaky. Iv'e never let anyone that close. "I want to say get out of my head!", or "OK, Who told you that about me". It's great not to feel alone.
I hope one day, I to can watch the merry go round from the curb. I seem to watch it from the curb and then I blink and I'm on it again. It's so frustrating. I'm also looking for that inner peace. That place you get to where your OK with yourself and life. Some moments I feel it, and I know it's going to be ok. But then something small will happen and I know Iv'e lost it. Like last nights blog! All I can feel is my heartbeat in my chest, the lump in my throat, the stomach ache so bad you know you'd feel better if you just threw up, and that horrible deep seated need to fix it or dye trying. My brain is screaming that I can not, and my heart saying but what if you don't try!
Iv'e read so many post recently that I can connect too. I've found myself giggling more then I have in a very long time. I actuallythought these were only mysecrets, (i.e. what do we teach our kids-I really had blinders on with this one, What goes around comes around-Iv'e had alot of guilt over this one, rotten day at work, and don't forget Intimacy issues)I quess I have to face the facts that I'm not so strange or alone after all......Wow, thats a concept!!!!!!!!
My biggest issue is letting it go, my marriage. I don't know anything else. I don't want to be alone, I'm 43 years old. I wanted to grow old with him, watch our grandchildren with him, retire with him.....It's not going to happen, I feel it within me that Iv'e closed a door on him, but taking that next step is horrible. I don't know why, I'm scared, I'm trying not to believe those things he used to tell me when he was drinking, but they haunt me when I sleep. Once again my brain and my heart are not working together....I must believe this too shall come....
wonderful post!!! that is sooome progress. wow. letting go is very very tough for most of us, but it is truly how we come to find ourselves and our spirituality. for me, it was control. for a long time i tried to control chaos, which, if you haven't had that experience, does NOT seem to work very well. i had to let go of control. it was one of my miracles. i turned it over to higher power. now, i do the best i can with my tools and skills, but if it is still a problem, i need to just let go -whatever the situation-.
you are right - you are not alone. there is much love, strength, experience, and hope in this family. i am glad you are here. with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I see great growth in you post. Realisations are often hard to accept, and you are accepting yours well. Keep growing and getting stronger. The miracle will happen to you too.
You are not alone. I'm 48 and just beginning to divorce my AH. I to thought we would be together forever with our grandchildren all around but I know now it was just a fantasy I lived like the rest of our upscale life in the suburbs. What I do know now a few months into it is that I will create those memories with my grandchildren, healthy memories. In working the program I am finally beginning to gain confidence in myself again and my choices. Plus I think I've taught our children a lot about life and marriage. I think it's like exercise: really hard work and difficult to do but if you keep with it you feel so much better about yourself. One thing I have found is that I haven't gotten a lot of support from friends, they are afraid it's contaigious!! But coming here is a blessing and you just have to keep coming back - we are all here for you. You are very brave!!
I stood there with my mouth opened in absolute amazement. I was truely shocked, but he took it as scarcasm and had all kinds of nice things to say regarding that. Anyways what still surpirses me is that Iv'e always pretended that things were ok, no matter what was happening. But now I don't have the need to hide it anymore. I have no more secrets, the families know, our friends know, I'm going to counseling and Al anon meetings. It's out! So I don't have to pretend if I don't want to. And I'm not happy, my marriage is bad, our son who still lives at home is having issues in school and experimenting with pot and alcohol, our daughter just had a baby and lives 100 miles away and is having issues with her husband. And yes, I'm still dealing with it alone. No I'm not super happy right now, and for the first time, I'm ok with not being happy right now. It's where I need to be to work through all this crap. Anyways...this is what I'm really blogging for this time....
, rotten day at work, and don't forget 
...Wow, thats a concept!!!!!!!!