The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling very anxious today and defeated. I'm on my fourth marriage and he announced Saturday that he was "done". I am addicted to bad relationships obviously. I've been working a program for 15 years and I feel like I still can't get it right.
This guy was no good for me, a dry drunk A. Been sober one year. I wonder if there is a correlation, married one year, sober one year...dry drunk...maybe it makes sense to him. Maybe he's getting better and wants out and I'm getting sicker. I don't know. Maybe I'm getting better at setting boundaries and he isn't getting better and has had enough, I'm not sure which it is.
I do know that I asked him to move out several times and he wouldn't. He wanted the marriage to work he said, but his controling behavior was out of control. I had to get an exparte to get him out. He wasn't physically abusive just mentally controlling. Pschologically abusive, he would not allow me to leave (physically held me). To give us another chance I agreed that I'd go to counseling with him. I dropped the ex-parte. I thought things were getting better. Guess not, if he wants out.
I know how sick this all is and I ask for your prayers and guidance so I can find my way out of this mess. It has left me with more responsibilities than I can handle on my own. I manage a farm for my mother. My husband was a great help, with that, but I was doing it on my own before, I can do it again. I'm just not sure I want to anymore.
Progress not perfection, Let Go and Let God, Easy Does it and the Serenity Prayer have been my mottos. I will get through this One Day at a Time. Thanks for listening.
Sounds as if you have already made the decision for yourself in what you wrote. In life there are just things that make no sense, and you constantly wonder,,,why? We make mistakes and we learn from them,,,or so they say.......One day at a time is a great approach to life. One thing you can ask yourself is, did you want to keep living as you are? Life can be extremely cruel and hard sometimes, and us in alanon just dont have all the answers, however, one thing I know you can do is take care of yourself first and foremost. Best Wishes, gardengal
I don't have alot of time to post back but just wanted to say I'll be sending up prayers for you and your family that all will work out for the best. Hang in there. Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Boy, can I identify with the on again---off again stuff that comes from living with an A! I'm on my 5th (and need I say LAST) marriage. As for wanting out, it is mostly him, I always try to hold us together. But I'm learning slowly to let go.....we cannot control them or their thinking, or feelings. Sending prayers your way. You are not alone. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Been there and done that. You know the one about the "hole" and how we learn to go around it?
I'm in my second marriage which if I'd known what I know now, I wouldn't have married him. Because of what I learned in Al-Anon, I'm still married to him. He doesn't drink any more, but also has not had a program. His behavior didn't improve until I learned to stand up for myself and live my own life.
Don't know whether or not this marriage will last, it looks like it will. If it doesn't, I'm prepared to live alone.
I remind myself not to beat myself up about the choices I've made in the past. Now, I talk and reason out with non-condemning people any important decision that I need to make. Now, It takes me a lot longer to make a decision, but my decisions seem to be beneficial to me and not hurtful to me and hopefully others. It's no longer who will accept me - but who will I accept into my life. I can't change someone else so I must accept it. Accepting it doesn't mean that I have to like it.
I hate the way my children especially were affected by my bad choices. For me, it seems like the repercussions of my first marriage never go away. My second husband has been more like a father for my kids than their own father. Yet, they go out of their way to protect him.
Life can get so crazy at times, but I believe we've done the best according to what we knew at the time. I believe we're children of our HP and that we owe it to ourselves to take the best care of ourselves that we can. I didn't know how - I had to learn how - and I'm still learning.
I believe you'd find the "Getting Them Sober" books helpful. They're available at bookstores and online, google "getting them sober".
Hope this helps. I want you to know you're in my prayers.
Sometimes what seems like a horribe thing at the moment is a blessing in disguise upon reflection later in life. Know that there is still greatness out there for you.
Quick note - "I'm done" has been used by both my wife and I in arguments and it is my experience that this phrase is just another way of controlling the situation by trying to scare the other person into reacting to the threat of leaving. Doesn't work if you don't buy into it.
