The material presented
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I just want to scream. I want to shake the crap out of him. I've pretended for so long that things were ok. Heck, I even convinced myself that things were ok. He's been sober for 5 months, and I have no more of a connection with him now then when he was drinking. People told me to wait a year, that it takes time for the A to adjust. I know he's never led a sober life. He started smoking pot again, and I know he hasn't told anyone. I really think he stays in the marriage because he doesnt want a divorce or deal with loosing money. I don't believe he loves me. I'm so hurt, I'm so mad, I"m so dang mad.....
pabel, are u attending meetings for yourself ? If not I hope u consider going , drinking or not u need support , once u walk thru those doors it's no longer about him ,it's about you and your life ,waiting for someone to notice tht your alive and hurting who cannot see for now beyond thier own needs is a waste of your life . You don't have to leave to get happy work on yourself and see what happens . Bloom where your planted.!!! 5 months is not along time to be sober having expectations too early can be dissapointing , sometimes all they can do is not drink . He is still STARK RAVING sober . learning to live with out alcohol is not easy and if he is still smoking pot he is not sober . so lower your expectations and get the focus back on you and your needs . You are after all the only one u can change.
Wow . . . I think of all the "pretending" and covering up I did, saying things were fine when they weren't. One of the last conversations (term used loosely) I had with my A is whether or not "things are fine". He's convinced they are, and he's angry I'm undermining his fantasy.
I still want to crawl under a rock, thinking of all the mental gyrations and all the ENERGY they took to hold up, all for absolutely nothing. I thought I was just holding it together. I thought maybe it was true after all. Thankfully and painfully it weren't true at all, at all. And I have as much anger at myself for denying what I knew THE WHOLE TIME, but ignored, as I am at my A and his stupid deadly disease.
