The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My brother has been to jail for too many DUI's. He has pretty much burnt everyone in his life. He divorced his wife of twelve years has two children about 5 years ago; one child is severely mentally and physically challenged and the other is a 13 year old girl. He does not have a license, but continues to drive. He moved 2 hours away from his ex-wife and children, leaving his ex-wife with a situation that is extremely difficult. To get a break from the children the ex-wife has to drive her children two hours each way.
My brother moved two hours away to live with a woman and now they spit up.This was about his 5th relationship in 5 years. She is very upset as she has learned about his driving records, but the problem is she purchased a truck in her name and well lets just say he is not giving the truck back.
As the sister, I could not stand the lies and how he was only looking out for himself. In fact, he told me he will do what he has to do. All I can say is that statement has meant driving illegally, only taking his children when he has no choice and continuing to use people, such as his girlfriend(s), vendors, etc. I have not talked to him for a year and a half. The only family member who talks to him is my Mother. She will never question him or ask the hard questions. And that is okay, she is 75 years old and she is afraid if she does not talk to him, she will lose him.
I do not know for sure, but I do not think he is drinking. I really think he needs behavioral therepy, but I know he would not follow through. He went to AA for about a year, but then he stopped when it was mandatory any more. I live several states away and still talk, weekly, to his ex-wife and 13 year old girl. I have even had my daughter who is 15 go to visit the ex-wife and help out with her girls.
I wish I knew if I'm doing the right thing by shutting him out. It really hurts my heart as I miss the brother I use to know. I am open to any suggestions.
There is no right or wrong thing to do in these circumstances. We (Alanonics) work our program, pray, try to keep that conscious contact with Higher Power, and try to keep our "side of the street" clean. All in all, we do the best we know how, with the tools, skills, and resources we have available.
Not having a relationship with an alcoholic is not only okay, but very healthy. Alcoholics tend to leave a path of destruction, chaos, resentment, and mental anguish with everyone they interact with. Alcoholics that aren't drinking are still alcoholics. Unless they have a program or understanding that their behavior NEEDS to change, they continue with the lying, manipulating, abusive, irresponsible, etc etc etc behavior.
Until he is sick and tired of being sick and tired, the pattern/cycle will continue. Strong boundaries are a necessity.
Again, there is not a right or wrong way. There is only what to do or what not to do. When the answer of what to do is not clear, doing nothing is sometimes the best choice.
yours in recovery, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
You are doing the right thing. It's very hard when it's someone you love because the right things often feel wrong. I had to do what I had to do to protect myself and my children because that was the only thing I actually had control over. Talking to an A is like talking to a brick wall. The only way (if I was in your spot) that I would get involved is if I knew he were driving with his children in that truck, then I would call the law. See if you can find al anon meetings, they are also for the family and it may teach you ways to communicate with him and make yourself feel better. Good luck in your recovery.
Thank you CJ -- your response is greatly appreciated. I am going to share it with my mother and my brother's ex-wife.
One other item you may be able to help me with...??? You state "Strong boundaries are a necessity", what can I do to help with boundaries? I thought disconnecting myself with him would get him to start thinking and turn it around, but it didn't -- it has just escalated. Don't get me wrong, I do not blame myself, but it just kills me to see what all this chaos has done to his 13 year old daughter, not to mention the damage it will cause her later in life.
Boundaries are what I use to let other people know that bad behavior will not be tolerated while in a relationship with me. It is kind of like "If/Then" and "limitations" equations in math. For example, I have a restraining order against my wife. She has a court order, also, not to consume alcohol. A) She calls me and we talk, argue about the divorce, argue about money, get mad, hang up on each other, and all that. Fine. B) She calls me while she's drinking/drunk. Sometimes incoherent, paranoid, abusive, yada yada yada.... Not fine. I've stated to her clearly and plainly that I will not accept that behavior. I call and make a police report.
If she calls me drunk, then I will make a police report.
If you subject me to bad behavior, I will hold you accountable for those actions. That is the point we are trying to make. Boundaries are necessary will everybody, especially children -- extra-especially with alcoholics (who are mostly adults with child-like maturity).
I get myself into trouble when I don't hold firm on my boundaries. When I let my wife or someone not be accountable for crossing the line with me, it truly does tell them it is okay to continue that trend. If I think I have not made clear what is acceptable, I spell it out, and ask that it be respected from here on out.
Boundaries are tough. They can be hard to implement, but once they are there, it can eliminate a lot of confusion and prevent a lot of bad behaviors. There is a lot of literature encompassing boundaries, and I'd encourage you to feast on it.
As sad as there are affected children and an affected ex-wife and mother, they must find their own way. That is not to say that having someone who can listen, honestly communicate, and perhaps give advice in the form of their (your) own experience, strength and hope can't have a significant impact.
If the question is "what can I do to help?", MY answer would be to work the Al-Anon program, letting the understanding and peace of the program work itself through me. We use attraction, rather than promotion, to bring people to our program. People (family, loved ones) WILL see the serenity and peace in you, and will want that themselves.
What most people want to know, is WHY. Why does the alcoholic__________? There is no answer. That is how people go insane. Looking for that answer. Just being a good listener can sometimes be the start of healing.
Anyhow, my love and prayers to you and your family. cj
-- Edited by CJ at 14:51, 2007-06-11
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
