The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, my sister is currently in rehab for alcohol drug addiction - it seems that things are going well - she's the main reason I checked out Al-Anon - although, considering my husband's issues - I should've done this long ago. My sister took steps to get help and I am so proud of her!! My husband has not, we have been together 4 years (married nearly 1yr of that). I am very worried about him. My husband is an admitted (at least to me) alcoholic. He drinks once every weekend or every other weekend, sometimes once a month. The frequency isn't what bothers me. He will drink to the point of not being able to walk, sometimes unable to even go to the toilet - just pees on himself - passing out - I've had to drag him into the bed and just hope that he wakes up and is ok...He hides and lies to me about it - even his friends have seen the effect and he's lost a job as a result of his issues with alcohol. Most of the time he stays gone for the whole time he's drinking (which is sometimes two or more days straight) and I honestly know it's not that he's cheating on me - it's that he doesn't want and his friends don't want to dump him home drunk as hell. He admits to me that he wants to get better - but still continues to hang out with all of the same people and any new friends he meets seem to all be the same - they either drink some or seem to have the same problems as him. I don't know how to help him - I have told him how my aunt and uncle have recovered - things that helped them, but he hasn't really put forth an effort - it's like he wants to change on his own - but keep the same friends and same hang outs -and he always ends up relapsing even if he's gone a really long time without it. I want to help him - I have no idea how. There are times when I become obsessively worried about him, I get so frustrated and upset. I am beginning to really resent him. I am not a prude I don't mind a little alcohol but he's totally different when he drinks and is around me. About a month ago he hit me so hard that I had fist marks (bruises) from his knuckles on my legs and arms that stayed for about 3 weeks. He's not like this 99 percent of the time - he helps around the house - is a wonderful lover and friend. But after about 8 beers or more I am walking on eggshells and at times I feel like I hate him - well I hate that part of him. I just want to know what are the best things I can do to help him. I've given him an ultimatem and I told him that I will give him a few months to make steps to change - but that once I leave him it'll be for good (and believe me it will be) in my eyes I have nothing to lose if he keeps being this way - I'd rather be sad/mad without him then sad/mad with him.
Thank you~now I'll be going to review and start the steps up on the sticky.
Question - Where do I start, am I supposed to do the 12 steps? Please respond with a link to some good places to start. Thanks so much!!
Welcome to the MIP family. So glad you are with us. I am sure you know that whether it's your sister's recovery or your husband's, their recovery is up to them. You have no say in it. You can be loving and supportive but it's their choice to take that first drink or drug. My sober AH (who labels himself as a chronic relapser) has told me that as much as he wanted recovery, he wasn't ready for recovery. There's a big difference between the 2. One of the other things they told him in rehab was to change people, places and things. If you still hang out with the old crowd, the temptation will still be there.
I am worried about your safety when he drinks. Please make sure that you are safe or have a safe place to go. I would hate to see anything happen to you. I called the police once because on one occasion,hubby went to yank the phone out and hit me in the head with it instead. I knew I wasn't in any danger, but I didn't want to take the chance. He didn't even remember doing it when he sobered up. That's the scary thing about this disease. He was such a quiet drunk, just passed out. When he's sober, he's the sweetest most loving person on the face of this earth.
The best thing you can do for you, is to work your own program. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses recovery. It's about taking back your life. It's about living the life you choose and deserve. Hubby and I attend open AA meetings. It has given me a perspective on the disease that I didn't have. I talk about my Alanon to him as well. We share our daily meditations. It's a bond that we have.
Please go back and read the old posts. They are full of such good insight. Keep coming back to us. We're glad you are part of the family.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi and welcome. I am glad you have found us. I hope you can find al anon meetings in your town to help you. It's very important. My experience with an alcoholic husband who has physically hit you once is that they WILL do it again. My ahsober is not a violent man at all either but back when he drank (years ago) he got physical with me and one time he almost crushed my face(he would push me here and there). So be careful because their judgement is VERY off and it only takes one time and you could be dead. In the end I had to get away from him and after seven years he got sober and is sober now. I had to get him away from our children because God forbid he "accidentally" hit one of our children, know what I mean? Good luck and please keep coming back.
welcome Gurl, A good book that helps me is, "Getting Them sober." It will sure answer many of your questions.
Many of us who come to Al Anon are very anxious and cannot wait to learn everything. Reading about the steps is great. The slogans and skills will help you cope with your A's disease.
I am so glad your sister is getting help. Your getting into Al Anon will help you both and others too.
You may want to consider looking up a womens group for battered women. Your AH's physical abuse is a whole other issure. He abuses becuz he is an abuser, same as a cheater cheats becuz he/she is a cheater. It is not becuz they are A's. Addicts.
For me, reading everything I could find helped so much. I spent a lot of time here in the chat room, and attended the online meetings here. The message board is so great as we respond to each other and share our experiences and answer questions.
I have received so much support here.
I hope you find comfort here and cont. to come back.
You are not alone. Please think about what you want for YOU. Sadly we can do nothing for the A. They have to figure it out for themselves. But it makes it easier for us to be with them when we feel better and stronger.
(((gurl))) I'm new here too, in fact this is my first post, but aside from the hitting and peeing (and I wouldn't swear to that) I could have written your post almost word-for-word. I've lurked for a while, though, and there's so much information and support here, it's really helped me gain some perspective.
