The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For some reason 1981 hit me today. 26 years, I am 54 now. My husband got drunk, he was twenty seven. Then got himself ran over. Lived a week. I was only twenty eight years old with a four and five year old. And had to make all the decisions.
Had to tell them to turn the machines off, at twenty eight. Today it hit me hard, how painful that was. How awful it must have been for that little hippie girl to make that decision about her blond curly haired southern boy husband.
I think when we decide to leave our A or have him leave, or even just take a break, we start feeling what normal is again. After awhile with the help of alanon helping us learn to be strong again, the realities of what we went thru hit us strong.
We are clearer headed, we are healthier, it is so hard to believe the horrible stuff aism does to us and the ones we love.
So for me, i know it will be with me forever, and I never know when it will hit me, that gut wrenching pain. That knot people talk about. That knot you guys may feel too when ya read others posts on here and it hits home for us.
twenty six years or ten mo. When the Aism does not live with ya anymore, for me the pain is always there somewhere. Over time it hits me with more time inbetween. Sometimes it is years.
This is my experience. Well a pinhead of it...taking deep breaths, dropping my elbows, going to that field I walk around in my head with my dogs....
Hi Debilyn! Just this past week, I was cleaning my desk and came across my journal that I started a little over a year ago, when things with my A were really getting unbearable. I read the whole thing. I knew things were bad... I wouldn't have left and filed for divorce if they weren't. Reading that again though... reading all those feelings and emotions... brought the reality of it all back to me. It made me sad, but it made me feel really glad that I did leave and that I did divorce him. I am so much better without that negativity in my life. I know that the pain will always be with me in some ways as well, but I'm working on getting on with my life and living it the way that I want to.
...artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I got "hit" today too. I was sitting watching tv for a few minutes and a commercial came on for fried chicken of all things! Some new Kentucky Fried Chicken with no Trans fats or some such thing. Shows the dad all excited about getting to eat chicken again...wife is looking on astounded as are the kids.
He see's them looking at him strangely and says, "So how was school today?"
Wham right in the kidney! Instantly I was feeling so down, remembering when i used to ask my step-sons that question. And I missed them so terribly much I started to cry. This happened in about....what...10 seconds!
Before the commercial I was absolutely fine and happy. Fortunately, I saw it for what it was, and shifted the gears in my head and started thinking about seeing one of my program friends in church this morning and getting to hold their hand during the Lords prayer, and how happy that made me feel and I was right back on track!
It is amazing what we went through, when we look at it now from our "clearer" minds. It's also amazing how when the stuff floats back up we dont have to pull it out of the pond and hold it if we don't want to.
Just wanted to say I can relate to every thing posted here. Arty, I burned my journals after my A left, What I read made me sick. I hated that I had become that person. It was so painful to read how much I just wanted to feel loved really loved. It hurts to think about that right now.
David, we rented Night at the Museum and watched it yesterday. It choked me up because I thought, here they are divorced and the dad is still interested in his kids -- I'd love to have that, and I could see it on my kids face too.
((((Debilynn)))) for me it's July 1986 -- somethings we carry with us because they are just part of us. It gets better but it never goes away. For me it was a mistake I made that I'll never be able to change. Something I let my A punish me for to many years. You are right, Alanon really does let us see how strong we really were, even though we felt so weak.
Artygirl I have seen you grow and get your miracles. I was amazed by your courage and how you were so maluable to live where you had to until you got your home.
Now are you in your own place with your pups?
Thank you for posting, always love it when you pop in! Love,debilyn
WD you are so right HP is everything, and for me that is the creator, so since he is love....and then I read all the things love is, and I put this here for all, not any denomination or if you have known at all. It still is what I believe is truth.
1Corinthians 13: 4-8 Love is long suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up. does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury.It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things,hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
A lot of AA and Al Anon is based on Bible principles. You don't have to be religious to know there are many lessons if we followed from this book, that would make our lives easier. One day at a time, surrendering to "your" hp, that we don't have control. So many things.
OH David I know that commercial. I do relate, but it is my son. He has two stepkids he really, really enjoys. He takes them fishing and walking and raftiing. His macho buds always say, hey leave the kids home this time ok? lol He is a big man and very powerful, he won't allow anyone to cuss or be "guys" when the kids go. lol
His wife is A. A very early in the disease one. She is showing signs. OF course we hope it is still her youth...He has said many times it would hurt him more to lose the kdis...
She works nights and double shifts, then sleeps a lot. Soooo he has the kids lots 11 and 8. Girl and Boy. the bio dad does have them four days too.
Anyway wow you are a very special guy. A lot of men and women look for someone with no kids. Myself, bring me a dozen!!!
So i see you do, do what i do, just slams you doesn't it? Yep better to cry then go on. We can go on, just had a bit of healing to do.
David you know I don't miss my A anymore. Really do not. My life is my own, I like it. I do feel love for him inside however.But do not want to see him or talk. It is so horribly painful if i do. guess I am in strong recovery from my addiction/love for him. It hurt me bad enough last summer I wanted to die, was done. My head was a movie, everything was running thru. I was in my van and it was over 100" in there. Just did not care.
Then i remember thinking about Tavish, that Basset up there in the pic. It may seem dumb, but he is my best friend, he depends on me.
then i don't remember anything, all i knew was i had gotten home, 30 min away.
So the disease finally hurt me bad enough that i feel barfy, can't spell nauseas? lol when i think of seeing him! i wonder if that is why i feel that way almost every morn? Maybe he is the first thought in my mind!!! haahahahaha
Bless his heart...
I loved reading how you got right back on the horse and went on!
thank you david
Lunamoth, have you really seen that kind of moth? they are HUGE and very friendly or stupid!!
Bigger than a butterfly. I planted nicotiana and at night the flowers smelll sooooo gooood. The night moths would be thick!!!
Good point how can we survive the horrors of this disease and not be strong? I tell ya, I used to run and hide from conflict. Would cry if someone was mean to me. But when they were mean to my kids or animals....ya did not want to mess with me. I was not obnoxious, was very clear and strong, no profanity, but down right scarey.
Even the police in our town were afraid of me. I knew the laws and they LOVED to harass teen boys. Mine was a major one. They said he would end up in prison... hahaha well now he goes up to them and shakes their hands and says remember me?
They are very pleased and its cool. But i tell ya, I caught them in lies and set ups so many times. When he was haraassed by this big guy once, they told me to get my husband to drag him in the alley and beat the Sh** out of him... oh brother.
One dumb punk police guy was going to get my son for curfew. He was with a 23 year old that I had allowed him to drive him home. They were outside on a corner arguing, the people in the house, a party called me. I drove up and the poor police man looks at me and shakes his head. lol
Short little hippie girl mom. Told him the law, he turned around and got in his car and left. All the kids at the party were hanging out the windows cheering... lol lol
blabber mouth here. lol
But me... I just got hurt. Them marry A who was so tender and had known me and loved me forever and me him. When the stuff started after his surgery he apologised all the time.
i know it hurt him. But the desire to use was stronger.
I remember saying incredulously, "that is abuse!!" I was shocked.
But as things went on and I was put on the path to Al Anon...I changed. when he physically hurt me, the next time I picked him up by his collar and thru him out the door. i am short but am all muscle from my dear German/Scottish/ lakota sioux grandparents...
So al anon gave me the ovaries to protect me too. it gave me the strength and belief that it was a disease too, becuz sooo many want to argue it is not....gotta be strong.
hugs luna
love,debilyn who was so hot yesterday in Oregon and not it is so cold and almost freezing...
Hi again... I'm still camping out at my mom's house with my pups. My house is still for sale. Michigan has a terrible economy right now. I'm learning to take life as it comes and to be patient. I have no idea where I'll live when the house does finally sell. At first that was making me crazy... now I'm just trying to relax and enjoy my life in spite of still being in limbo. I have been dating a new guy... barely drinks any alcohol at all. He's very understanding about my situation and we're just taking things slow and getting to know each other. I don't post often... but I'm usually here a couple times a week. For some reason, I feel the need to keep reminding myself where I've been and how far I've come! Love, Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
This made me laugh out loud "Lunamoth, have you really seen that kind of moth? they are HUGE and very friendly or stupid!!" If didn't know you any better I might think you thought I was stupid LOL
I'm not huge, would like to think I'm friendly -- and only I can say I'm stupid and get away with it LOL
I took the picture of this luna moth on my deck one night -- he was as big as both my hands together.
I hope you are having a great night -- keep smiling
