The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been sad again the past few days, missing my ex. Missing my best friend. It's not as bad as it has been but it still hurts. I do wonder if it is him I am missing or the idea of him. But when he was good he was very, very good. We talked every night on the phone, we shared all our thoughts and concerns about the kids. He understood me that when I bitched about everyone else in my life he would listen and comiserate. I miss that. So very much. He helped me bathe when I burned my hand. I really miss that connection. So much so that I have started thinking about calling him. Reality is he is "in love" with someone else, there is no going back. He will never be "good" all the time. He will never be what I need him to be. But I am seriously doubting there will ever be another person who I will feel as close to, as connected to. Is that my co-dependency talking? Is this part of the grieving process? Why do I still feel as if I have some control over this? If I make the move I could manipulate the situation to what I want it to be. But that is not at all what I want. I know what I want. But I am just so sad. Bouncing between sadness and anger. Lots of anger towards him. And myself. It hurts that he has moved on when I obviously haven't. At the same time I am not willing to jump into anything with just anyone. I am ok with being alone right now. I don't want a replacement. In fact, I just want him. I pray this will pass. I hate feeling this desire for such an unhealthy thing. It makes no sense to me logically so it must be my heart. I feel so strong and good about my grieving process for my dad but this seems so much more unreasonable. If he were dead, I think I'd be dealing better because that would make sense. But that he is alive and living with another woman, completly ignoring me, not loving me just makes no sense to me. How do I continue on with this? My life is good otherwise. I feel that I know what I am doing ( to an extent) but this situation with him keeps tripping me up. Have I been saying the same thing for years now? Is all this pain just part of the process? Is this a growth experience? Because I am doing things differently this time. It still doesn't feel right or comfortable.
I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way about my husband but then when I think about it I think do I really want him? I don't think I could forgive him for being with the other woman, I don't think I would ever really trust him although the idea of reconciliation is always in the back of my mind. I think this is where fake it till you make it comes in. I think I miss the memory of him not the him that he is now. It's hard to realize that a point in time in the past can never be again, once it has passed it's just a memory. The new stuff is all painful and totally unhealthy. You are not feeling anything abnormal, I often thought I wished him dead because that would be easier. Think I said it a few times on here too. Now I wish him in jail or prison so I know he's safe from himself. It's hard to let go, I think the key is don't do anything spontaneously, always think about it for at least a week AND distract yourself with anything and everything. I have found this to work for me. I think we become so enmeshed in eachother that it is like we are one but not a healthy one a sick one. I don't want to be sick anymore and I know my life is much more stress free without him, three kids, work, school and all! I know the other woman factor is infuriating - I have taken a little satisfaction in knowing that his is still in jail and charged with serious crimes while he is out - unfair as that is... Anyway, I feel for you, I know this is the hardest part - once you learn how to move past this it only gets easier!
I've seen some of your posts and feel a connection with you - my AHsober had/may possibly still have a girlfriend too. And, even though in my heart I know that I could never trust him again, that things could never be right again, that he does not deserve me, etc... I yearn for the way I want things to be. Wierd. I want to not want him and I just can't get myself there right now. For some reason, the goodness he has buried outweighs all the negativity he basks in. Also, I find myself way more obsessed and worried about the "other woman" thing and relapsing into her than I do about the alcohol/drugs.
I'm sorry you are going through this, it's torture, I know. There is something our marriage counselor said to me that I keep hanging onto and that is, "three years from now I believe you will be a different person". So, I am trying to put my hope in her words and in my HP that I call God that my life is mapped out and some way, some how, goodness will come from this hideous experience. I know it is true for you too. Please keep hanging in there..
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You know what occured to me this morning as I woke up? I don't ever want to have to go thru this again. And if my ex and I ever did get back together, someday I would be in the same place I am right now. Kinda like smoking. I never want to have to quit again so I will never start again. Still, I sometimes have dreams of smoking. I guess i never want to have to go thru this withdrawl from him again. That what it feels like, withdrawl and I know that he can not make this feel better. Just like a drug addict who wants to quit can not use drugs to get over the hump. How long can withdrawl last? Maybe I have gone thru the crazy part of the withdrawl and now it's just learning how to live a new life without him and that change makes me sad. Thanks for your responses and support guys.....
Sounds like a very understandable human need to belong, to be loved and cherished, and you're thinking about the person who's done that for you in the past. Where the dilemma comes in is that he's done a LOT of other things for you that aren't so wonderful, and you know it.
As I make my way through my own "mess", and feel that longing you talk about, it gets to me and almost makes me forget the bad stuff that I KNOW is there and will be there.
It's my own loneliness calling, my own need for love, so it's basically my "problem" to solve. I guess I'm old enough to have 'been there, done that', that TODAY I don't go seeking love in all the wrong places. It's a journey each time. And those strong longings do mellow over the days and I respect them. I do need love and comfort, and affection and belonging.
I haven't found a way to meet a lot of those needs, but I don't discount them, and find much solace in other people, like in meetings or on this board. Those feelings are always an opportunity to get to know myself better, even if I don't get exactly what I think I need.
I really love your honesty with your "processes" in your head, you share them and so many of us relate, it helps us all too :) .
Many of us have exactly those feelings. I too miss my AHsober. I miss the affection, the help, the sharing of every day ups and downs, being a team for our children, and on and on. That he doesn't miss me or our life together puzzles me. How can it be so lopsided? In part he can't and doesn't have what it takes for this relationship. His disease needs something else. And the disease is selfish and self centered. I had a sinking spell today. A holiday and he gone golfing and missed a graduation party. So I carried on. When I thought those thoughts, I said to myself that my HP must have a plan for me. And my HP does not want me to stay in this pain forever. I liked what Lou said about 3 years because that is what I hope for myself. As Kim said don't discount the needs but look for other ways to fulfill them.
