As long as relapse remains a fear, or something that I have nightmares about (which is about twice a year), I figure that is all pretty healthy stuff.  If relapse becomes a fantasy, or a daydream - that's when I need to turn it over.

I don't believe relapse is part of recovery, but it is part of the disease.  Calling it part of recovery is tantamount to inserting it into the steps... 1.. 2.. 3... 3 and a half... 3 and 3/4... relapse. 

I've heard many stories of people who relapsed after a period of sobriety, and it was something they learned from, and then they started their program anew and became stronger in recovery.  Then again, I know people who have been coming around AA way longer than me, who were there at my first meeting, who today can't string together a week.

There is no human power that can stop a person from drinking if they have made up their mind to do it.  Alcoholics are always living with one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow.  If I'm not focusing on today, my brain may tell me tales of the past, reminiscing on the "fun" part of my drinking, and my brain at the same time starts planning a relapse.  This is not a game I want to play, because to play it is to lose it.

My sponsor used to say "quit thinking about it!"  And of course I thought that was impossible - until I was driving down the road one day, about 5-6 weeks sober, and the thought popped into my head of getting a 12 pack from one of my regular sources.  I wanted to keep on the AA path, but I had barely gotten my feet wet.  Old thinking kicked in, and it seemed that everything hung in the balance for a minute.  I don't know how close I was to pulling off at the exit for that convenience store... I guess I never will know.  I remembered what those silly people had said at those meetings... don't fight, you'll lose.  Turn it over to your higher power.  I didn't know how to do that so I laughed out loud and said something like "God, if you're there... yeah right... take this thought of drinking away". 

I arrived home about 45 minues later, and it was probably 7-8 hours later that night I remembered the "event" on the highway.  I had not had another thought about the 12-pack and had even forgotten about asking God to take it away.

These instances happen all the time, but they are very small.  They happen when I am alone (which is how I did most of my drinking) and when I have wandered a little off the path.  Turning it over is not totally instinctive, but I think it is automatic 98% of the time.  Because I used to have several incidents per day of thinking about drinking, even a little.  I probably still do, but mostly I don't even remember them, or dismissing them.

Every once in a while, a beer commercial looks good.  Or I'll have a memory or some other thought "wouldn't it be nice".  These thoughts remind me what I am.  If my disease isn't right over my shoulder, occasionally tapping me to remind me what I am, then it's up ahead in the bushes waiting to ambush.  I keep the lights on.  I like to keep my disease out in the open - that means I go to meetings and I introduce myself as an alcoholic. 

My recovery, and this gift of sobriety do not have room for denial; if I deny my disease then I am denying my sobriey as well.  I'll take the sobriety, and I'll be an alcoholic for the rest of my life.  Pretty fair deal to me.

Barisax