The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few months ago I mentioned to a friend how I tend to be a pessimist and expect the worst, because I am afraid if I hope for the best, then if definately won't happen. She looked at me like I was nuts. So, then I started asking other friends and they all had a similar response; they always have hope. So, now that I am part of al-anon and I am seeing so much of myself in so many of you, I am wondering.... are you afraid to hope for and expect the best outcome of a given situation, or really, is it just me?
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I still hope but I don't expect. I think now that it's best never to rely on someone else to do their part. To be self sufficient. I can hope all I want but I usually expect the worst and if the best happens then that's great.
I always take things as they come. Am happy if things turn out, accept if they don't. just feel everything will be ok no matter what becuz i have surrendered to my hp.
Yeah, Deb, I've heard them called "another one of them &$%^# learning experiences" :D .
What you are describing Lou sounds like a coping mechanism to me . . . a little magical thinking that I can relate with.
I have to watch my expectations too, which go either way. I'd say predominantly I'm a hopeful person. And that the outcomes of situations aren't dependent upon any certain thought process I have. How I deal with the outcomes is an important thought and feeling process, though.
I understand what you mean. I lived life always waiting for the next bomb to drop. If i were to dare have hope and expect the best outcome it usually ended up completely opposite. SO i got used to expecting the bomb to drop it normally did. I learned how in alanon to hope and do the footwork and let go of the results. I can't control any situation all i can do is put my best work into anything i do in life. The bad stuff that happens is an experience that can also be learned from. Even though it does hurt when we are let down, I dont have to keep the same pattern from the past any longer. I can hope without fear today. I try to do my best now and walk through the fear although sometimes it still is difficult. As we say in alanon progress not perfection
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 02:39, 2007-05-27
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
I am the quintessentail cock-eyed optimist at heart. Optimism and hopefullness are part of my lifeline. I had to have some hope, something to cling to when hubby was at his worse, or while I was at my worse for that matter. Now that he has passed his 1 year sobriety mark, I am more hopefully. But I do not take it for granted, neither does he. He likes to say he is caitiously optimistic about his future. I think that's a good way to put it. If we get "too happy" we can both relapse. But I'd say 98.7% of the time I am happy, joyous and free. Too much good in the world, too much beauty not to be.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I have spent alot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I have learned in this program to live one day at a time and enjoy what is happening in this moment. On a good day I can do that and it takes away the waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling. On a bad day I have to work extra hard at it. I know I am not a person who chalks up my time on this earth to either good or bad. Some people looking at the past year of my life ( my mother comes to mind) would say" wow! what a crappy year! bet you're glad that's over with!" I don't see it that way. It wasn't all bad, or all good.It was life. I know that my expectations are what really hurt me. They hurt my heart. Trying not to expect, or being realistic in my expectations has seemed to help. But I don't do that perfectly ever. I do run thru best/worst senerios in my head and then I let it go to God and figure HP knows the outcome and will protect me no matter what. I agree with what the others have said. Hope is completly reasonable and human and can help us get thru the rough spots. Because we don't really know what the future holds so we can be hopeful that it holds the best for us.
What I'm learning is to keep hope high and expectations of others low. For me, that doesn't mean not trusting. It means accepting people as they are and not expecting them to be more than they are.
If my gut feeling says the other shoe will drop with a relationship, I'm learning that the relationship isn't good for me and the shoe could drop - so get out or be ready for if/when it does! In other words, I'm learning to take care of myself regardless of who it involves - even family.
As for everything else (everyday life), I just try to take it one day at a time, hoping it's all good, but rolling with the punches if it's not.
Not sure I'm making sense here - take what you like and leave the rest.
I think for me it was a case that I felt as if that if I looked for the worst in life, then when it happened, I could say "Ha! see! I was right!" I was so used to being run down and humiliated that I could never feel as if I was right, justified or an equal (I had never heard of the word humility, or of self esteem either, but that's another story). So I would look to the dark side to justify how I hated myself and how I hated my life, and then I would say "ha! you didn't believe me! and I was right ! you were wrong! You got screwed! ha!" but then that was the prospective I kept in my life, and when good things DID happen--and somehow they did-- I didn't know how to handle the feelings of joy, gratitude, happiness, surrender and peace. I was very frightened and anxious and I was afraid to enjoy these good feelings because they wouldn't last. "Sense of impending doom" was the phrase I heard at the Adult Children of Alcholism meetings. So, over time, with help from the steps, a sponsor, and a professional, I began to look at life a little bit differently. It took time, don't get me wrong. A lot of time. And alot of work. But the amazing thing is, now today, whenever my prospective is hit with negative energy, I get upset. Very upset. I don't have a polyanna pospective, please understand. But a good example is like last night: My mom was trying to project her fears and her emotions onto me, and I finally said "mom, I'm sorry you feel the way you do. But it's not my problem and it's not my responsibility to take care of your feelings." Ouch! lost an ally there! Perhaps, then what you may be feeling, is what I for a long time felt: afraid to feel happy because it wouldn't last. Or, really, afraid to enjoy the happiness because it was dangerous.
