The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been attending f2f meetings for 4 years. Step meetings, Tradition meetings and Wednesday was the first time I actually understood what people were talking about when they say they had a hard time with step 2 or 3. I have faith in my Hp whom I choose to call God. I always have. I trust God in my life but that he has the power to restore me to sanity is really tripping me up. I thought that was my job. How can He retore me? Control issues popping up? Someone at the meeting was saying that the first 3 steps were all about acceptence and a decision. I can't ( I know I can't I've tried for years) He can ( but HOW can he?) I think I'll let him ( I would if I knew how to let him). Is it simply using the tools? Letting go? I guess when I get step 1 then the next one will come. Sometimes I feel like I've accepted the powerlessness. But there is always this little voice in the way back of my mind saying " It could be different, it could be the way you want if you just give in and do it their way" Sometimes that is so tempting. To think that if I just make that call, inciate that conversation that all of this could be different. And that might be true to an extent but it wouldn't be what I think it would. The pain would still be here within me. I have no control over others. I have very little control over myself at the moment. Any ideas?
What helped me was to write everything down. When I see things in black and white there's no denying them or wondering "did that really happen?" hmmmmm, not sure.
Each time that a situation comes up for you and you tried to control it, write that down and write down the outcome as a result of your controlling it. Conversely when a situation arises that you truly don't put your stamp on, write down the outcome as a result of your letting go. When you look back at this list, you will see a huge difference. Also it so helped me improve my relationships with everyone I loved.
For me, one of the hardest things to do in my recovery was learning to sit through uncomfortableness when either I caused a mess or someone else's mess was whirring around me like a hurricane. I would simply say the serenity prayer and 99%of the time it worked and the results were magnificent when I didn't touch things. There's also balance though -- if someone else's safety is in question, then personally I'd do whatever I could to help.
Hope that helps, love in recovery, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
If it were simple, it wouldn't be so hard, but also wouldn't be so true.
The problem is, of course, that there are situations where taking control, rather than leaving it all up to your HP, is the right thing to do. You don't sit in a burning house, having faith that God will rescue you. You open that door and get out.
There are times when you really DO know best - no, your ten year old is NOT old enough to go to that Public Enemy concert by herself....
Often, though, the line between taking care of yourself and trying to control others is not so easy to see.
I guess if we do our best to avoid what they call in AA "Self-will run riot" eventually the right balance will become more comfortable to us, and we will get better at knowing where to step.
The one thing that my church said to us was that your HP will find you. All the roads we travel have already been mapped out for us by our HP and even though we may not understand it, it all has a purpose. I believe that by us going through horrible events that it makes us grow and share our stories with others to help. There may be that one little thing that you say to someone that may change their lives forever. God gave us free will along with what he has planned out so that we may take some control. The greatest thing about your HP is that you do not need to be scared of not having control. He has it all for you. I think where you are at right now is a very good place because your looking, your searching for an answer and this is when you will get one. Your in my prayers sweetie. ^i^
Here's what it's like for me: "being comfortable with the Mystery" :)
I have no idea how HP does his/her/it's thing. My goats can't comprehend my 'human' feelings and complex thoughts, they must think I magically produce yummy food twice a day, because I fill their hay feeder and buckets twice a day. They don't have the capacity to question just where the loot comes from, like I do, but perhaps HP is an order of "being" or a "process" that much "higher" than me, as I am to my goats. They have no idea the lengths I go to to make their lives happy and safe(r). I struggle not to indulge their appetites in an unhealthy way. You get the picture.
I am not the type that enjoys not understanding something, but over time HP somehow "provides" as I need, so I'm just glad it happens when it does.
How then? I'd love to know but since I don't, I'll just accept it. Besides, living with the idea at least there is a power greater than myself that is somehow involved with me allows me to let go of what I can't control so much easier.
At best this is a "context" I can describe for how I relate to a HP. Hope there's a nugget in there for you :) .
I use to be where you are at right now...trying to figure it all out in my head; a head with an unused brain. My brain is the newest and most valueable part of my body cause I have never taken it out of the box and used it properly. I am learning though and can ask it for small answers like, "how do I turn this door knob to open the door."
When it comes to HP there is no way I can figure out something greater than myself. I just had to give up trying and surrender to the awareness that there was a power greater than Jerry F and I had to learn and practice trusting that and in my HP. Practice, practice, practice...!! I have had the grace of direct contact with my HP. Some of us are more helpless than others and HP takes up the slack. Besides HP needed to get my attention in more direct ways.
The practice included getting the trust and faith approximately one foot lower than my forehead...down into my heart. When I was able to do that I stopped trying to think it out and accepted without reservation (faith) that there was a power greater than myself that I could without doubt and fear trust in and who would have solutions that I couldn't think up and would work out just fine when and if they worked. I have come to believe that miracles happen when I run out of answers and effort and that when they happen it is always so very different than I would have expected and had a powerful affect for others also including myself.
One of my mantras is "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God..." Another lesson for me was the difference between submission and surrender as talked about in our ODAT book. Submission is on the conscious level and has with it the thought or perception that some day we will be able to again take control whereas on the subconscious (deeper) level we accept (without reservation) that we can ever have control again. (This is just a paraphase the real words are in the ODAT by Dr. Harry Tiebout. These and other ESH from people in this program has helped my desire only surrender and abandonment to HP. Yes I do have my brain to use and decisions to make and obligations to fulfill...and always first with surrendering myself and outcome to HP.
Let go of the thinking it...practice the doing it and ask HP to help you do it along with your sponsor and others in the program just like you are doing now.
