The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hate regrets. I wish I had started educating myself on the disease of ahism, its effects on me, and the al-anon principles way before my AH entered rehab, however, I was in denial until the day he entered. When he came out, I shouldn't have let him move back in right away. I let him put me in the position of policeman. Also,I wanted to talk it all out and deal with everything so we could move on. I now now that is not the suggested course of action. Of course, it wasn't long before we fell off the "pink cloud" and into the pit of hell.
He has been sober 4 mos (as far as I know) and out of the house for 3 weeks. He has decided that he does not want to be defined by aism.. He stopped going to AA and avoids his sponsor. Other old addictive habits are starting to rear thier ugly heads. I am pretty sure he went and consulted with an attorney yesterday. It seems every time I get over one hump, something new comes along to tear me apart. What I don't get is why I am not ready to kick him to the curb. That bugs me. I hope through al-anon I will get there, but how long will I have to wait?
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hi Loupiness, don't know if I've responded to any of your posts yet, but hello there anyway!
There's no doubt that early recovery -- for both you and your AH -- is often as difficult or hellish as when they are actively using. We still don't know where our influence on our A begins or ends, and the idea of changing ourselves when the A is so whacked out seems to miss the point altogether!
For me, reaching some semblance of peace and serenity (my A is still destroying his life with drugs and alcohol) was to do exactly what is suggested in Alanon. WORK ON ME. At first, it made little sense, and I had no idea what to work on, it wasn't ME screwing everything up, I was trying to hold it together for gosh sakes.
It's never too late to "learn", don't beat yourself up, you're right in the place where you see the need for yourself to change and learn. We all gotta get there, so congratulate yourself for your progress.
As hard as it sounds, keep working on you personally no matter what your A is up to. It's the only thing you can do, and I promise there will be results for you. It's so true we might not get what we want (his sobriety or whatever), but when we open ourselves up to change, we get what we need. When it comes time to take action, you will know it.
When my husband first sobered up, I rushed in with arms and heart wide open - everything was going to be different. Looking at it now, I was too eager, too misunderstanding of how fragile and scared and unsure he was. Made some pretty big stumbles those first few weeks, and, in a way, never recovered from them. The years of living with the drinking had taught me to withdraw, and after the slaps I got in those first sober weeks, I withdrew again, in some ways worse than ever. After a few years, and working on my own program, I got some idea of just how damaged he is. Trouble is, of course, I'm damaged too.....
The reality is, we do the best we can, and we can't change the past. No matter what, the work you do on yourself will not be wasted. Sorry to hear that this try at sobriety for him doesn't seem to have 'taken' - at least you have found us, now.
