The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm posting this mostly to keep myself on track - if it is here in black and white, I can't pretend I don't need to do it.....
As many of you know, my husband is very sick and is not expected to live much longer. I'm not very happy with his doctor - he doesn't really have that much experience, I don't think, with people with this condition, and is not doing, in my opinion, a very good job of helping my husband deal with his symptoms.
So. I have let my husband know what I think. I have given him a couple of suggestions of ways to deal with this problem. Now, all I have to do is shut up and butt out - in other words, the hard part. My husband is a grown man, is still in full command of his faculties, and does not need me to be his mommy and take decisions out of his hands. I know this, but Lord is it hard to keep from 'reminding ' him to do what I think is best....
This is my pledge. I will not bring up the 'you need another doctor' issue for two weeks (June 7) , unless directly asked for my opinion. I won't drop any hints. In two weeks, I will look at the situation again, and if nothing has changed, I will wait another two weeks. If in two weeks there is some reason to think that it would be helpful (to him, not to me) to bring it up again, I will, but only once. I know that in a few months, all of the decisions will be up to me, but until that time I need to allow my husband the dignity of living his own life, and dealing with his own death in his own way. I just hope I can do it....
I am so sorry to hear this Lin. You will be in my prayers. I know it must be hard on the both of you. Keep strong, Turn your will and power to the care of God and he will look after you.
I haven't any great words of wisdom for you. I am filled with gratitude for your presence here, you give so many of us strength and focus.
We are so powerless. Fighting what we want to do-- knowing we just want to help, it's a battle of will. Your husband is so lucky (even if he doesn't realize it) that you are concerned that he is given the respect and privilidge of making his own choices. How much easier it would be to grab the reigns and control it to the end. You have my utmost respect for what you are trying to do for him. I believe the Hp will give you that strength. You are a gift to your husband and to us here.
I hate that you have this road to travel. I am praying for you.
I too have no words of wisdom for you but wanted to give you a hug. Care giving is not easy. I don't know you except through your post, but this post of yours made me proud of you! I took care of my daughter after a horrible accident and I don't know if I could have made such a pledge, although I should have. I am sending you prayers of strength, don't forget to take care of (((you))).
I am praying for you and your husband. It is difficult to allow people to be in charge of thier own lives. Much harder than I imagined before I payed attention to my own actions. I pushed my opinions on people more than I knew.
What the 2 of you are going through is so difficult, it shows in your post, but I am so impressed with your grace in the situation. Its a real example for me.
I am so glad you are here.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
This list of goals you have made is for you it sounds. It is your way to respect your husband. Sounds so unselfish. As I am sure you would love to be in control of this, to see more action taken.
Most men are not into medicine, and their wives or someone even has to make their app. And then they don't necessarliy tell the truth or they leave out things.
He is very sick, surely not thinking straight, only you know for sure. I know I have been with people in their last year, their dieing year. Knew for sure they were not all there and making good decisions.
I guess I am hoping that if he is suffering at all, and you know something can be done so he is more comfortable, you may send his doctor a note, asking for confidentiality and tell him/her the symptoms.
He can ask your Ah do you have this symptom or that to explain what possible solutions there might be.
He retains his dignity and you let the doctor know things they need to know to treat him.
My dad, he is the husband of the Mom who adopted me after my real mother died in 2000, will tell me all kinds of things. I say ok make a list,now take it when ya see your doctor. He forgot. sigh, he got worse. He had told his doc I threatened to send her a letter telling on him.. they laughed.
Well I sent one and she called me. He went to the doc yesterday and is on meds to help him. He tells me the gross details but not her. lol
Well you know I went thru what you are with different circumstances when I was only 28.
Now my A husband is not far from his own death, in fact apparently no one knows what keeps him going at all. He has been to e r more than once having to be zapped back.
Lin, I "hope" I am blessed with taking care of him when he is real bad. I know that is crazy. I love him, want to be there for him. I do not want to get a call from the police or sheriff that he is dead.
Been thru it with family members and friends. Usually the only one there.
I trust you to do what you believe is best for your husband. He is a very fortunate man to have you lin. Most people just cannot handle it. NO offense at all to them eitiher. It is a horribly hard sacrifice and compromise.
I hope you are being good to you. It is draining on us too, to have a loved one so ill. Especially when our mate is ill, they are so much a part of us. I always need lotsa naps.
Keep us updated and am so glad you cont. to be part of MIP.
Lin, all your honesty is in realizing you are dealing with the ULTIMATE lack of control we have with death. I think your decision to refrain from advice is just right, for you and for your husband's dignity. It's sort of like having to choose between something you hate and something you don't like one bit :D . It will certainly be easier on you. And having been in a situation myself with a person at the end of their life, being their advocate and at home caregiver, you yourself need every ounce of strength, support and serenity you can get.
There's so much misery and suffering you just can do nothing about. You'll know when you need to act, it will be so obvious you'll wonder how you ever wondered!!
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Bless you both.
What an amazing post. How much courage it takes for you to let your husband be in charge of what is left of his life. I will be keeping you and yours in my thoughts.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
What helped me to stop controlling others over which I had no control was when my sponsor said to me, "Maria, if you say it once, it's a suggestion; if you say it more than once, you are try to control the situation."
Easier said than done, especially in your situation.
I will keep you both in my nightly prayers, Much love, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thanks so much, everyone, for all the words of support. I find that the things I expected to find hard about this are not the ones that are really getting me, and I think he is finding the same. We can discuss the funeral without a qualm, and then break right down over some silly little thing.
I'm trying not to have "permissable" vs "nonpermissable" thoughts and feelings - just let myself take what comes, and process it later. Not always on my usual even keel, though, that's for sure....
