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I hope I came to the right place. It is long but I shortened it. I am sad and try to stay strong but inside I am weakening. Any advice please email me. Thanks in advance.
Hi, I am a bit stressed and know I do need help. Yes I was the fighter in the family the one who helped mom. My father is a recovering alcoholic of 28 years bless his heart. My mother and I were the ones he did not seem to like. He called her big and me little one. Dad would pick on me, he tried to kill me twice. he would also try to make me eat and drinks things I did not like while mom was at work and have my brothers and sisters around the table to watch if I did not eat or drink they could not go out. They would have to stand there. I refused and sat until my mom came home and then they faught and dad blamed me for them fighting calling me a bitch. I was 7 years old at the time. He would throw up money in the air and say go get it to all and then grab me by the back of my throat and say except you. My brother always gave me his half. I wanted him to die. My brother 40 just forgave hiom for what he did to me, not himself me. I had to help him understand it is okay to forgive. When my father shot the gun in house and almost killed my brother he decided to get help. I used to wonder if it was I what would he do try again as he did not do it right. I however was the one who took my dad to meetings we went together, we took walks together everynight and talked a lot. We are now very close and I learned how it is a sickness and forgave my father.
I married a man 12 years ago.... I am his 4rth wife and they all infoormed me he was a drunk and on and on and I am thinking bitter woman I did not listen to them. I do wish I had. From the minute I moved in with him he was drinking, I met him in a bar for gods sake. Where was my head. it was okay at first as we were in love and laughing and so on. Then came watching him look for trouble when it came from my youngest son who did not do anything, it was weird. Screaming at him for an ice cream wrapper on a table, I mean sdcreaming, grounding him and when my son said mine is in my pocket as i was afraid to open the cellar door to throw it out, He took it out and showed my husband. Mike said it was Crystals Bruces daughters and he looked at her and said ooh okay and said nothing to her. BUT she cried to her dad as she said they are going to hate me because of you, that is not right you grounded Mike but me you smile. He walked away. We all told Crystal it was okay we know and it is us together any issues or concerns we can have our meetings and everyday the kids wanted these meetings.
Then the cheating I found out 2 weeks before we married up to 4 years into our marriage all was a scam he was cheating on me. He fell to the floor crying for forgiveness and I did, hmmm maybe should not have been so forgiving okay it is a sickness. I was confused, sad and being mentally abused.
I thought my husband hit his bottom it was very serious. we drove home from a bar,He sings Karolki i always sobor driving in the car and he started saying things like he has a whole set of freinds and life I do not know about, and laughed and kept saying this I was trying to ignore him. I knew he was looking for a fight I was not going to give it. hmmm this was in and out of him passing out.I get him home and he snapped not we have children his daughter 14 my two sons 9 and 10. My husband decideds he is going to kill himself and takes out his fathers gun ( he was a police officer) The kids crying and screaming not too I thought he was just getting attention but he took it out cocking it. I told the kids to get to the car i was going to drive to my moms house down the street as they were on vaca. It started to look serious and his eyes like a tigar we ran to the car and I left. I called my home and told him to answer the phone or I would call the police, he did not, I tried and tried so his daughter called I knew he would pick up for her as he has his favorates and she is it. BUT again nothing so i called the police. They told me to come to the house as he has himself barracated in the home and all outside lights were smashed. They went in guns drawn and I outside with kids in the car we can see them around my bed, 8 officers. One came out to ask me if he sleeps with a knife, yes my husband does. They told me they had to call 911 as he is not responding.I at this point do not know if he killed himself I would later learn this about him he gets so drunk he blacks out and sometimes there is no getting him to move.
He was so drunk he was poisoned. My husband woke in the hosp on a bed on a floor with two police officers at the door ( he was a big guy ) He thought he killed us and they were NOT telling him yes or no. They told me to stay away to teach him this lesson. I did. So for 5 hours he was a wreck. Then I walked in and he cried. He promised to stop drinking, he was going to go to AA with my dad when he got back from his vaca and on and on. This was NOV. He never went to AA, surprise, surprise he did not drink that I could tell until New Years the longest in his life as I said he has been drinking everyday, when he said one drink wont kill me I have been good and that was that again every day, everyyyyy dayyy my husband has been drinking he drinks at least 3 gallons of Vodka and two boxes of wine a week, this is NOT including anything he gets on business trips or those little nippers he hides in his room with whisky or the 4 - 2 mg ativans he takes for stress he says he has. My husband has been drinking 3-7 drinks everyday of his life since 18 yrs old give a month or 2 off when he felt he needed to calm me down. He is 52 now. His drinking has became worse he treats my son bad, he looks for trouble with him, puts him down, threatens to kick him out when my son is trying to get his life in order as he has had some serious issues that was not his doing, he had a stalker who herself is on heroin and actually chases him, gettting others to beat him. It is all in the courts now but he needs some support but my husband feels too bad live and leave. He hates him as I feel he is jealous of him as I wont defend my husband with him I can not as my husband is not right. If he was I would defend him but NOT when he is drunk, crazy acting and has anger issues. I will not!!!
My husband has never beaten me, I would kick his but.He would never have any chance again. I will not except that although the mind abuse is getting pretty bad and when I asked him to stop he said he is a man and has every right to drink as he works hard and makes the money. You know the excuses. I do not see that as being a man. No man would hurt the ones he loves. All in his family have said he is an alcoholic and his mom when living I cared for her in our home for 2 yrs until she passed said to me he needs help and said I would be good for him as I do not take his crap. Well there is just so much you can do. SURE I go over board sometimes like tonight he was freaking out as heeard my son and I were talking about me lending him 200 to finally get his car so he can get back and forth to work and not use my car. I do have the extra and do plan to give it to him but my husband screamed and said no you punt like the world does and leave this house as soon as you can. I saw the fear in my sons eye of I have no money to move out although he wants to so damn bad. I told my husband to go to bed and I will talk in the morning when he is sobor. He said he is sobor as he is slurring and almost falling down. i said you are drunk he said I am a diabetic, hehe whhheew good one I said drunk drunk drunk as he was going upstairs saying needle pusher ( diabettes ), and on and on.Okay I got angry but was saying it laughing as he could not get me on anything but kept talking all the way upstairs. So did I. I know never fight with a drunk. sorry He is passed out and will not know what went on and again will be kissing my but, getting cards, flowers, breakfast, candy, hell last week he wants to buy me a brand new car as he was pretty bad that weekend. My weekends I dread I do not ever want to go anywhere with him he brings his two bags full of alcohol and needs to drink so doing things for fun gets in the way. Family functions forget it I am so damn embarrassed by him and my cousins make fun of him and want to stay away from him , one cousin is scared of him. He keeps touching her and acting up. They want me there but pray he does not go. Can not tell him as he holds grudges and gets all mean and then the next drunk spell I will hear that for hours, weeks and months. He is OCD and I would say Bi Polar but he wont get a test. He is a salesman and he surely can put on a great face like all is well. It is not. There is so much more but this is just a small version and I do not know what to do.Anymore. I had a heart attack due to high stress and he is blaming my son I mean told him it was him and he is killing me. and it was not my son it is him and how he attacks my son and yells at me about my son then goes after him looking for anything he did wrong everyday. My son will need help in the future I see the same feelings I got from my father that Mike is getting from my husbnad. I understand. My husband said my problem with his drinking is because of my father and not him and that i am only taking it out on him. Trust me I have had issues with dad but we are best freinds and working on our relationship we are the closest now I care and help him all the time. Bruce on the other hand has his own issues. I may have dealt with being a daughter of an alcoholic but now it is a wife of an alcoholic with other issues. Much worse I feel
Any advice? Anyone I can talk to? I am a bit sad, not scared as if he left damn I would do fine. He is nice when he is sobor but he is only sobor when he wakes up and goes to work. He comes home and gets that drink before taking that coat off and drinks until he goes to bed and it starts the next day. He even goes to bed and fills his 2qt cup to the brim with vodca to go upstairs with. HELP I am at a lose
(((((Denise))))) Welcome to MIP!! You have come to the right place with your story. It reflects many of our stories. We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. They are powerless over alcohol. There is pain but there is joy and hope for us on the other side. I find the Alanon has many tools to help us. And they tell us to keep the focus on ourselves. Try to get yourself to a meeting, and get some literature..it will start you on your way to some serenity. We also have a chatroom at this site you will find someone to talk too. People who have been right where you are at!
(((denise))) <---that's a cyber hug by the way....Glad you found us...Please keep posting...we care...
THANK YOU ((((((( GRETA ))))))) I have found a meeting in my area yaaaa a bit nervous to go, but know I need to. haha the only issue is my sons car died and mine is going rather quickly itself. He needs the car for work until 10pm. I will be getting a new car next week, so all will be good. I may ask my mom to go with me; who can sure use it as well as she says dad is in a dry drunk most of the time. hmmmmmmm I know I need this. I read other letters where woman threatened to leave. I noticed my husbands last two wives left to scare him sobor and all he did was find another to replace them. I was number 4 and unaware. He said she left him and then I found out what really went on. I asked once if he would choose alcohol over me, his response I wont give up my alcohol. Tells me a lot. He is a great Provider and never misses work from drinking and I do not know how as he gets plastered every single night. I would be throwing up. I drank 3 times in my life and all three I was very ill. His brother passed away at 44 from a massive heart attack and I fear this will happen to him as well. It can not be good drinking everyday for 34 years, not that much drinking. he has high blood pressure and hope it is okay to say this he can not get anything below working anymore. AT ALL. My mom says he is pickled and if he stopped he would have many things seriously wrong. I care and at the same time do not I know that sounds mean. I will go to a meeting. Where do I find info on what a meeting is like and so on?? Thanks for welcoming me. I do feel a bit lost, sad and see no light at the end of this tunnel. I do not think he will ever quit not go to a meeting. He will drink until he dies. Its just do i want to watch this and have my life this. I just do not know. It is hard when you love someone but you do not like their actions and there is nothing you can do about it. Love & Light Denice
In the yellow box at the top of this page is a link to meeting/chatroom there is a meeting there weekdays 6am and 6pm eastern time. Just click on it and you will be there. This will give you an idea of how meetings work. Hope to see you there! There is chat 24/7.
Wow.... I don't even know what to say, I have never experienced anything like that. I can only keep you in my my best thoughts and tell you that you are in the right place. Some the of the people who post here will be able to relate much better to your situation, and there are wonderful people here.
Welcome to our MIP family. Hate that you & your family are experiencing such pain and abuse from this disease - hope that you will find comfort, love and understanding here and thru other avenues such as f2f (face to face) and on-line meetings, reading Al-Anon literature and reaching out for help from other recovery friends.
In the Welcome that usually read at f2f meetings it says: "We who live or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possilbe for us to find contentment, and happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not"
The main thing I first learned from this is that "I am no longer alone" - WE are here to recovery from the affects of another person's drinking, We discover another way to live - we are searching for peace. Together we help each other find it.
Keep coming back, don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve them!!
Wishing you Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hello dear, never worry about a "long post." As you can see, many of us will take the time to read it. I feel obliged to say that if someone is being violent, please do not try to control it yourself. Let someone who is a professional--yes, that includes the police--do this for you. No matter how embarassed you may feel, it may help your loved one get themselves under control. It may also help give you your bearings. I would hate to think you are being abused for his sake. I also wish to say that if you are having transportation problems, try open AA meetings. You can call the hotline and express to the operator the problem. Some of the AA meetings have al anon meetings at the same time, in a different room. Then you can get some phone numbers and get rides. Also, I would recommend that you try to seriously think of a way to make an escape plan. If he becomes violent again, do not consider "his needs." first and foremost are your own. If his job is that important to him, he will find a way to get to work, rest assured. Additionally, he may think he's good at sales, but his boss probably has an inkling or two about his drinking and drug abuse, not to mention his insanity. Please be safe and keep us posted.
((denise))) So glad you found MIP...glad you posted. You took your first step. So sorry you are going thru all of this. The 3C's helped me so much in the beginning of my recovery and continue to help me. I didn't cause it I can't control it and I can't cure it. What I can do is to take care of me. The suggestion to go to face to face meetings is a good one. The online meetings and chat room are a great resource too. I will keep you in my prayers. Again, glad you are here. Keep coming back. Know you aren't alone.
Hi D. I am very glad you found us. We are very much here for you.
Everyone has offered great words.
May I add, as you know this is abuse. Besides alanon, a battered womens group is definitely GREAT resource for you. Abuse is abuse. When we are treated so horribly and see others, our children, family abused, we are also physically abused. It all goes together.
The stomach aches, other digestive problems, headaches, depression, all physical symtoms and there are more,brought on by abuse.
Sadly many peoples lives are like yours was when you grew up. Sadly it becomes familiar.
You may not even know what a "normal" existance is.
do you know some people never yell at anyone? Never say mean things on purpose?
kids are not afraid of their parents?
My dear husband lived like you when he was little too.Well up until he died. His father called the kids parasites.
Getting Them Sober is a book, I believe is vital to alanoners. It is my alanon Bible. One thing about alanon is we offer our experience. We give suggestions.
We do not say, "you need to do this, or he is a whatever leave him." We would say maybe try this, or have you thought about this.
I use the word invite. I invite you to attend a battered womens group.
it is important we share what we have learned,what worked or did not work for us.
Your post was done wonderfully.Very clear and wow honey, very open, bless you. Myself, I did not allow my children to grow up in a home with an A. I got an R order on him and he stayed away for 10 years.
thankfully I pretty much had a very fairy tale life. No not money rich, we did ok. but it was the family, no one drank or smoked or cussed even. No one fought or yelled.
We loved each other a lot.I had everything i needed and most of what I wanted, which was not much, just dogs cats well all animals...
Hon my husband was not abusive until he had a brain tumor removed. He woke up dead and someone else was in his body.
so after a bit, I came out of denial, He is no longer with me.i knew him all my life,loved him over thirty six years. still do, still married. He does what yours did, when one woman leaves him or he leaves, he moves in with another A, not nice woman.
Soooo in my experience, for me, I will not live with one. no way. Life is way too short this time, I have more important things to think about and do, mostly spiritual.
My kids are doing great, i cannot imagine if we had lived with him.
i read if he abused physically, you would be able to take him down? that is not him hon, that is a horrible disease.
We love the man/woman, not the disease. I love my husband but hate the disease.
sadly he is very,very sick.
If you choose to leave him or have him leave, is the reason you do not becuz he will just find someone else?
Sending you hugs, there is a world of knowledge here.
We learn from you too!! YOU are very valuable to the MIP alanon site.
We also have pm if you need to talk privately. Love,debilyn
(((Tiger2006))) ((( carosie))) ((( Rita ))) (((shelbell))) (((greta))) Thanks, he is the boss; his own office... i often wonder if all his employees know. He does act different around others and I think that is why he has NO freinds or like people over. I have been giving my mom money little by little to put in her safe. I just had a heart attack 3 weeks ago, go figure and disability contacted me through my doctors as I did not want to apply, I can breath, cook, shower, shop so wanted to leave it for someone else. BUT after the heart attack, and that I am a diabetic on insulin, had two knee replacements , ruemithroid arthritis and reflux, gerd from STRESS they convinced me to apply. I am only 41, 42 next month. They told me it would go back to 1995 and I would get retroactive, a large sum of money in which I will PUT all away. So I do have a plan. But feel sneaky, and thats not me. And I figure if by Gods great grace and he changes or whatever it will be used for retirenment so thats that plan. hehehe I had a hard time admitting I needed someone to talk to. I was up all night long again as I was upset at his actions and words. This cant be good for my health. OOH and he just called and told me he was getting out of work early to come home and take me to look at a new 2007 car he wants me to buy. I guess he again knows he did something but does not know what. Normally I would take the flowers and throw away or hand to someone else. Or give one word comments back. I do need this car but you all can bet I wont be smiling ( maybe inside for me ) I know I deserve it and need it. So will get this. It is nice to find a place to talk to people about this as I have only spoken to my mom about it as it makes me feel like I am complaining or being mean. If I ever say anything off please let me know. Also it is my son who is using my car. ( which the head gasket is going quick, all antifreeze in the oil and we put my son and I; 2 gallons in a week, my husband wont care for my car since I allow my son to drive it) My husband has a car ( no one can ever use ) I do not even have a key, weird. When my husband had his apendix taken out I had to drive him to the hosp. and pick him up, my car at that time was in the shop and he actually had me RENT a car!! RENT not use his car doing nothing but sitting in the garage, it is NOT a great car its a kia sportage, no rolls Royce !!! My son needs the help he has been through a lot. I will let him drive my car he is my son and he is saving his money so he can get a car of his own again. I say again as His ex girlfriend who snapped started doing heroin, he tried to get her help ( my son does not like drugs at all he has a heart issue he was born with he cant take over the counter drugs ) and we know she needs to be the one who want it and did not and she became violent and he left her and on jan. 17th she tried to kill him by hitting her car into his into someones yard through there fence. She jumped out with a tire iron she was on her drugs. His car was totalled. Her case is still going no one will give us a police report and she is saying he did it. ( for insurance ) Police saw it happen BUT innocent until proven guilty and he is without a car. I know it is a soap opera. It does not end :( Hey I am living and doing okay thats all that matters but I do want to thank all for listening to me, it does feel good to get this stuff out. I will get to a meeting I saw that there is one in my church. I know my pastor will come get me. I am a bit nervous as to how he will react to it though. What will I come home too. Thank you for the prayers they are well loved. Love & Light
Hi ((( debilyn ))) I understand, when saying i would take him down I would leave him. He knows this. Though I put up with the cheating and the drinking for so long I do not think he thinks I would leave for that. I have told him on an email i have had just about enough that i do not deserve to live my life this way. I live my life very spiritual, it is the work I do. So it is hard for me to listen to him scream or act up trying to make a fight as I am not that way. I live for love, I help others in my line of work if you will call it work. I have a hard time judging people I do not think that is right to do so this is why it took me so long to talk to anyone about it. I have went on sites and looked around. This one was the only site i felt comfortable to try. My family has never had a normal life, it has been pretty hard. Not just with alcohol. I have nice things a wonderful home, olympic size pool but it means nothing when you cant enjoy it and be happy. I will get that book, I read a lot and write i am an author and enjoy it. I will say this if my husband left or I left whether it be walking or under ground I would never have another man. I would enjoy me for a change. As when my husband goes on business trips the house feels so light and I can breath. It is quite nice :):)I feel horrible even saying it. I do travel 4 times a year and attend conferences and things I take my mom with me and we have a blast. It just would be nice to have bruce the way he is that 1/2 hour a day when he is nice. He says it does not change him but boy it does and I cant believe he does not see that. Does he? Or is he hiding it as he is ashamed? I do not get that one. Love & Light
Hi, I just wanted ALL to know i am GOING to a Meeting tonight at 730 in my town. :):):) My mom is going with me, we are doing it together. A bit nervous. BUT I am going.......
Big (c:!!!! I am smiling very big. I know what you have ahead of you, least some...
Alanon will open your eyes in ways you never expected. I remember not being able to suck in enough information. Had to slow down!
I wanted to say, most A's are so in denial of their actions because they feel so terribly guilty for what they see themselves do. In truth they are led by a disease.
I have to add how glad I am for you and your father. Some people never get to see that wonderful person who has been held prisoner by a disease.
Of course you love and forgive him. Many would not. And I will tell ya, you will love him and your husband even more when you learn things about aism.
sounds like you already know instinctively so much.
I read my post and hoped i did not sound cold. btw I have arthritis so I cannot always capitalize.
Am also so impressed with your mom. I had so much fun with mine too. I lost her to breast cancer in 2000. We were probably like you two.
we loved thriftshopping and picking fruit, canning, walking, animals.....she was my best bud.
anyway i hope you will stay with us and update us.
does not matter how long you are in alanon, we all need and learn from each other. love,debilyn
Wow, sorry you are going through all of this. I hope the meeting is good for you and you hear exactly what you need to hear there to do the next right thing for you.
So glad you came, posted, shared. It's said in alanon "we are only as sick as our secrets"
So proud of you for taking the first step and getting to a meeting. Alanon suggests six different meetings in case the first one is not what you expected or would have liked. Each meeting has a different flavor and theme.
Way to go, keep coming, keep posting, love in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I hope I came to the right place. It is long but I shortened it. I am sad and try to stay strong but inside I am weakening. Any advice please email me. Thanks in advance. 
and me little one. Dad would pick on me, he tried to kill me twice. he would also try to make me eat and drinks things I did not like while mom was at work and have my brothers and sisters around the table to watch if I did not eat or drink they could not go out. They would have to stand there. I refused and sat until my mom came home and then they faught and dad blamed me for them fighting calling me a bitch. I was 7 years old at the time. He would throw up money in the air and say go get it to all and then grab me by the back of my throat and say except you. My brother always gave me his half. I wanted him to die. My brother 40 just forgave hiom for what he did to me, not himself me. I had to help him understand it is okay to forgive. When my father shot the gun in house and almost killed my brother he decided to get help. I used to wonder if it was I what would he do try again as he did not do it right. I however was the one who took my dad to meetings we went together, we took walks together everynight and talked a lot. We are now very close and I learned how it is a sickness and forgave my father.
