Hello Tammy,  I read your posting and WOW. I have been there very recently. In January of this year my husband walked out on my children and I with no warning. He had gone back to his using and old ways, gotten with another woman and all I did was cry. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't function! Then , after a month went by I filed for divorce because he wasn't leaving her for me and we had been together 18 years. The day we went to court for the temporary support, he wouldn't even look at me. ( later I found out from him it was the guilt inside of him ). But, another month went by and the woman went back to her husband still using, my husband lost his company and he ended up back here at home for 3 days before going into an in-patient rehab center. We talked and it was enlightening. But, I was still confused. I felt like second choice and no better than I did the day he walked out on me, us. But I found that going with my instinct is better than winging it or listening to others. I couldn't give up no matter what. I firmly believe God talks to our hearts. If there is still love you feel then follow and trust. That's all we can do. I know the fear of the hurt holds us back, but God can see us through.
God Bless you.
_jackie_

It is sad knowing you feel so bad. But you know it sounds like ya feel, guity? What makes you feel guilty for wanting to and being close to the person you love?

It is not like he is a serial killer and likes it. He has a horrible disease, he is sick, he is hurting. What person wouldn't want to be with person they loved for so many years?

Maybe it is the fact that you know, yes it feels good now, but.....you know so well the disease. Soon it will shock you, yet again and stomp on your heart and your stomach.

I remember it feeling so good, for weeks even, before that for months. then all of a sudden Ya hear, "this f ing house is a dump, I put all my f ing money into it." he was not even working....so there is the dang disease who raises its ugly head again and my heart just breaks. The man I had been loving is gone again.

or being intimate and loving, then nothing. no nothing. no holding hands, no being touched in the kitchen, no nice words.

Pain, pain, pain.

For me, I finally got the most horrible pain i can remember in my life. He was in jail all last summer. i did not plan to see him. I had to have him sign poa for me.
He thought they were divorce papers.  i must have scared him to death. He asked me to come back. so I did a few times. Each time he was cleaner. He was back on program, I can tell by the talk and action.
I felt myself holding back. I had just gotten me ok from him leaving for the last time.

Then I let go, I gave him my trust again, I allowed myself to believe, from his assurance and love letters, that we could make it. Said we had been thru worse and gotten thru.

He felt strong in his program, he was going straight to AA again.

I felt sooo good. had not seen my real husband for years. Felt loved, did not feel alone, was really wonderful.

He got out, did not call, found him in this old sluts apt. him opening the door and saying,"what are you doing here?"

It was not my husband. It was the evil disease walking. I won't go into anymore detail but it almost let me kill myself.

I do not know how i got back home thirty min. away.

In a week or so, I met up with him at his PO. Still the evil disease. tore me up again.

SO when the pain was so bad, so dealing death to me, and pain and horror and reality, now when I think about going to him or seeing him or talking to him, my stomach hurts.  I BELIEVE it is too painful to have anything to do with him.

I finally learned that to know something is a step to believing it.

People know smoking is bad,no question, they will cont. to smoke until they believe it is bad.

I know drinking is bad, until they believe it, they won't get help.

I know seeing him is bad for me, now I BELIEVE IT.

HUGS take what you want, leave the rest...much love,debilyn