The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday my f2f meeting was about courage, where do we get it and how do we "fill up" when we seem on empty. It was a great meeting. One person said it only cost them a dollar to fill up (our meeting contribution) which I thought was a really cool response. Alanon has given me the courage to do so many things -- above all, to consider my needs first. It's given me the courage to challenge how I go about getting those needs met. It's given me the courage to look at the truth and step out of denial. hhhmm Which is where I've found myself again recently.
The other morning I woke up and the first thing on my mind was my High school reunion which was 2 yrs ago. At the time my A and I had been separated about 8 months. I had made the decision to go and told him he was welcome to come if he wanted. (We had graduated the same year from rival high schools and knew many of the same people). He went. We had the greatest time. We laughed and danced the night away. A friend of mine had the "in's" on the free tickets for the bar so my A was just having a blast. I had enough program that he didn't bother me, as a matter of fact he kept it at a level that was bearable.
Anyhow, as the evening wore on we snuck outside to get some fresh air and we chatted and laughed, even talked about going to shoot a game of pool, when he looked at me and in all seriousness said "People would think we are in love." I just looked at him. What was I to say to that?
You see for years I believed that it was all a "show." But it was so real, how could it be a show. Then in that split second any doubt vanished. I've often said my A was Mr. Multiple Personality....he changes to suit his enviroment or situation. That night he was "Mr. Great & Loving Husband"
So what does this have to do with courage. Well I've been played again -- or I should say I played my part again. Recently I bought into what I thought could be real, but that was his way of building his confidence. I was reminded so lovingly by my brother who said "you allow it." hmmm So my courage was to take a break from my A, I haven't seen him in a week but I get the calls and e-mails. I am short and distant, he is drunk and seemingly concerned LOL. He says I sound stressed...ya think?
My mantra has been "Nothing changes if nothing changes." I have changed, he hasn't so I can't keep going back there thinking, ya know, maybe this time it's really .....yada yada yada. Unless there is a change on his part nothing is real. He just seemed so proud when He said what he said at my Reunion, like he had just put on a fine show, so fine that he had to say it out loud. Is it no wonder that I feel stupid sometimes? Augh!
I'm tired of this. My heart can't take it. Nothing changes if nothing changes. He comes tomorrow to visit with the kids, I think I'll catch a meeting and "fill up." It's been so long since I've fallen into thinking "Maybe this time..." I'd forgotten how much this sucks.
So many times that my strength was gone, my ability to see beyond the disease into the heart of someone who is so sick was gone... you lent me your strength and I made it through.
I choose to believe that those few minutes of pure love are not tricks... the trick is that they can't figure out how to stay there while they are in their disease. Those spells sometimes last days, sometimes only seconds.
My disease is trying to project that, and doubting myself and my program and not seeing it for what it is... A window into the soul of someone who deep down must love you as much as you love him. Maybe that is also part of my disease, but it helps me to be compassionate.
Be gentle with yourself for having hope, and for caring. You can borrow my strength to help push your "car" to the filling station to "fill up".
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hate so much that so many times "love" and the "disease" mix as well as "oil" & "water".
Some days I have the Courage to make different choices, some days the choices are still there, but I lack the Courage or the power to make those choices. But that's ok - Progress not Perfection. It's not that I'm stupid, dumb, gullable, and ignorant. I just lack to Power to make better choices.
But I also have the reassurance in Step 11, if I continue to seek my HP's guidance - The Power to carry that out will be given.
So although I may have gotten caught up in the hope/deceit/illusion (whatever you want to call it) and lacked the power to make a better choice - I know that my HP will give me another opportunity to develop that power & I will be better equiped to make better choices the next time I need to take care of myself.
Hope that you are able to enjoy that meeting & take good care of you.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I'm in complete awe, so many different points of view. It's knowledge and understanding.
I understand your pain and frustration, I to0 have been caught in that trap "Maybe this time..." I don't know how many times I've told myself that, to the point that at one time I thought there was something wrong with me. I couldn't be that stupid :)
"Nothing changes if nothing changes." This is hard to practice and take a major amount of courage...in our recovery I believe this is what we are after
My husband and I are still together, he's been sober for 5 months, longest ever...it's always there for me. The only way I can forgive the past is knowing he is sick, but I can not or won't go back to that. My heart can not take it either, Iv'e given all of me and there isn't anything left...and that is what brought me to al-anon and to this website...
Thank you. I needed the reminders, I am going to be alright, some days it just stings. It's like I know what I know but I don't like knowing it. LOL
I had a good nights sleep which was wonderful, it's the first day of summer break for the kids and my sponor gave me the most beautiful leather journal I've ever seen -- on the side of the cover is imprinted "Write with your heart" Just thinking about that makes me smile.
I really know that I am going to be alright. ODAT -- you just have to keep moving forward. Love you all!
How true, nothing changes if nothing changes....for me I had to change...I had to realize I had to find the courage to change... and the wonderful thing is after all the heart ache and pain...change is great luna...once we can find that courage, and sometimes we have to dig very deep for it...but it is there....the courage to change and the process of change gives us a better life....
Also, realizing that we only have the power to change our very own path in life, we can not change anyone else ever...once this fact is realized...a light goes on in that dark tunnel.....and it is called sunshine....and luna stepping into the sun was the best thing I ever did...
My prayers are with you dear friend, the courage to change myself..wow...it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life however, it was the best thing I will have ever done...I smile, I laugh, I feel warm inside....and my heart aches no longer....love ya girlfriend, and these are my wishes for you.....
