The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here and have only attended one al-anon meeting about 11 years ago. I have been doing some reading on the three C's and am going to try to attend a meeting sometime this week. Anyway, I have been married to an alcoholic for 9 and a half years and my mother is an alcoholic who just got out of a year recovery program, I believe she is still sober. I love having her sober, she is a great person, but after her being on and off my whole life, i have a hard time accepting that she is still clean... Anyway I am rambling again, back to my question about my husband:
He has been 'dry' on and off several times over the last few years. He cleaned up for a period after both DUIs. But he is back at it again. We had a blow out a few weeks ago when i told him i couldn't take the 'I Don't Care' attitude when he is drinking anymore and i left. The next day, i came back when he was sober and we talked. He said that he would agree not to drink around me anymore, IF i didn't watch anymore TV (he thinks i watch too much TV). So I made the deal, anything to keep him sober right? I really didn't think that this deal would work and I was right. I came home from work one day and he was buzzed. I was furious, he said that he wasn't drinking around me so it was okay. I said okay then I can watch TV when I am not around your right? Well, you can see where this is going. The deal ain't working and I really didn't think it would but I am grasping at straws. We are still half heartedly working the deal, but it seems that he has a hold on what I can or cannot do because he knows how afraid i am of him drinking.
I guess after all this, my question is... How do I deal with this situation? I don't want him to drink, he told me he wouldn't quit again but that he wouldn't drink around me IF i don't break our deal. I don't have to watch TV, it's just the control thing that is bothering me so much.
In my opinion and in my experience you can't make "deals" with the disease of untreated alcoholism.
The deal that he would not drink around you...well sounds like he didn't . Big loop hole there, he didn't say he wouldn't drink when you weren't around, right? But even if he had or did, alcoholics can rarely make a "deal" with their disease that the disease will stick to. It is the great obsession of A's that they can control their drinking in some way. "I will limit myself to just one or two drinks a day!" This might work for a short time, but eventually the disease will win out and the compulsion to drink will overcome any "deals" they might make with themselves or anybody else.
In my own life, my ex wife and I would make all kinds of deals regarding her drinking, smoking, working too much ... whatever! They never worked.
Those three c's (didn't cause the alcoholism, can't cure it, can't control it) tell us exactly that. Making a deal is an attempt by both of you to control the other person, something that cannot be done.
I have become pretty good at making deals with myself however!
Like, okay David, if you go for a good long walk this evening then you can have ice cream for desert afterwards!
I hope you can make it to a meeting! That is a real good "deal" you can make with yourself!
((((((Harmony)))))) <==== these are hugs by the way
Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place. As you will learn when you go to meetings, in Alanon we don't give advice so to speak, because we just simply are not experts in your life. We can however offer our experience, strength and hope by sharing what we have seen and what we have learned in the program.
Someone told me when I first got here about the 3 C's. You can't cause someone to drink, you can't control thier drinking and you can't cure this disease. We want to cure it because we love these people, and we want them to get better.
You mention that the deal not working was a control thing and that bothered you. When I made deals (and yes we have all done it... ) I was upset because it didn't work - she didn't stop drinking. That is the "you can't control it" part of the 3 c's.
The second thing someone shared with me is... "they are either going to drink or not... what are you going to do?" That really stuck with me. I decided to go to meetings and to try and shake the insanity be using this program. She still drinks, but I feel better.
This program doesn't promise that your loved one will stop drinking, it promises that it is possible to be happy and healthy weather they stop drinking or not.
I am glad you are here and reaching out, there are people here from all over the world, and they truely understand where you are coming from. You are not alone.
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 09:05, 2007-05-23
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Ever heard of making a deal with the devil? That's what making deals with alcoholism is. It's decietful and cunning and can't be trusted. The alcoholic and the disease are sure to not stick to a deal and as you see can manipulate it so you are involved somehow.
#1. It's not the drinking that bothers you, it's the affects of it. He can drink a gallon of alcohol 2 seconds before you walk in the door and still keep the deal because didn't drink around you. It'd be no different then you watching TV and turning it off when he entered the room and on when he left it. My husband used to complain I was on the computer too much. What I was doing is taking my focus off of him and his stumbling around. It wasn't REALLY the computer that was bothering him at all. It was that he needed to find something to b*tch about because he had a problem and wanted me to have one too..an attempt at control and to suck me in to the disease. My computer never made me a stumbling, slurring &^%^%$# and he never could give me a real reason why I wasn't supposed to be on it. I guess I was supposed to sit quietly and watch him drink and pass out. NOT!!
I would suggest that Alanon meetings will work much better then deals with an alcoholic. Alanon will give you the tools to deal with home life and most importantly YOUR life.
Take care Christy.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Glad you decided to join us, but hate that you have been affected by this disease.
Like others have said - I too made many, many "deals" - little did I know I was making deals with alcohol and pills not deals with a sober sane person. That is what I learned by understanding alcoholism/addiction. It takes over the person that we love.
I hope you are able to attend meetings, keep posting here and read the literature - these are the things that help me.
Wishing you Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thank you all for the replies. We had a great evening tonight. He didn't drink today (even before I got home) and he seemed happy. Its amazing the change in his personality when he has drank before i come home and is 'guilty' about drinking and is buzzed versus when he is sober. I think you all know that difference...
So we had a great night and watched the season finally of LOST together. Here is to more nights and days like tonight! He is a wonderful man and that is why I am married to him, I just need to do my part to not try to change what I cannot change, I am learning that by reading through some of the litature. It is great advise, just hard to follow sometimes. I just need to have a goal and get there one day at a time.
