The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm not even sure where to begin, or how, so much has happend...
My husband is an alcoholic, he has been sober for 5 months. (this is the longest time ever in the last 22 years) When the kids were younger I thought I could handle it. I could do it all, cover things up, make things ok. I actually remember thinking two parents were better then one. Yep major co-dependent behavior. Oh what I have learned in the last year going to Al-anon and personal counseling ...and a little help from serenity lanes. I won't lie, things were pretty ugly around the house, the fighting was bad, I was actually going to leave him.....NO really, I suspect he saw the writing on the wall. I saw a lawyer, that was a huge step for me. Things are not all roses now, but with counseling and AA and al-anon its one day at a time. Some weeks its bliss and some weeks I still wonder if our marriage is going to make it. I'm told a year of sobriety before making any major decisions. Our fights now are different then they used to be, hell we don't even know how to fight with him being sober, communication is difficult...we are working on it... Our oldest, who is 22, is finishing her last term for her BA degree. She admitts to having issues but she is working on them. She is majoring in family and human services, and getting certificates in, SAP and CADC, (alcohol and drug treatment). I believe she is getting the healing she needs from that... Our youngest, 16 isn't doing so good. I'm not sure if the smoke has cleared with my husband so now I can finally see what is going on with my son, or if this is all new stuff. Our son admits that he has changed over the last year...He has pulled away from the better friends and has chosen friendships that are doing nothing but getting him in trouble. (friends that smoke pot and drink). When I limit his time with these friend or keep him from them, he's devastated, these 2 boys according to my son understand him. This is a kid who was going to go to college and play football or wrestle and had decent grades. This year it's all I can do to get him to go to school. I have even transferred him into another school. He cries and says he wants to graduate and go to college but high school is really depressing for him. This is a good looking, very athletic kid who is feeling like an outcast and for some reason is having trouble connecting to kids and life. I have found marijuana and alcohol in his room. I've talked myself till I'm blue in the face. The lastest horrific event that happened is I noticed that there was $120 missing from my bank account. Oh he denied denied and denied, but finally admitted it. He claimed it was to help a friend who owed someone some money and was getting into big trouble. We explained that that was no excuse. I took his phone and read some text messages between his friend and himself and it does seem to have some truth in it, but the facts are the same. He stole from me. Not in my wildest dreams would I ever think one of my kids could do that. I'm so horrified by the actual event that I don't know what to do.. I never ever thought this could happen. His dad for the first time has been involved in all this...but he is taking the it's gonna be ok road with him. I'm freaking out, Iv'e been taking that approach for a year now and it's not working. Plus I'm not sure how much I trust him. I know he is sober now and level headed, but I still fear his old stinkin thinkin ways. ous son saw a counselor last week and has agreed to go back, but i'm going crazy in the mean time. I want to scream at him, I want to hold him, I want to protect him, I want to shake him....I want my baby boy back......I know he's in there somewhere. I'm driving myself insane trying to figure it out...He told the counselor that he's frustrated with me because I never let up. That I gave his Dad way more chances then I'm giving him. He want to attend a boot camp for credit recovery, but the thought of him being gone for 4.5 months is freaking me out. I don't know what to do....I know my hp is testing my ability to let go, buttttt he's my baby and I don't want to loose him.....
Welcome to MIP! Many of us here have childeren (and/or are childeren) of A's. I have a 22 year old son who was almost word for word what you describe at that age. He was drinking and experimenting with drugs.
This all happened before I got myself a program and started working on me. I yelled and screamed, and pretended it would all blow over (sometimes all in the same day).
The tools we have for dealing with the A's in our lives... work for all relationships because they are based on mutual respect, healthy boundries and detatchment from unruley behavior.
When I really started paying attention to my part in things with my wife and her drinking issues, low and behold... my son started to come around. I had absentmindedly been allowing him the dignity to make his own mistakes and cleaning up his own messes too.
Of course you know he is not his father... and with all that you are doing (alanon and counceling) you are likely not the same person these days either. So it's a whole new ballgame.
I can't really offer advise accept to keep doing what you are doing. Keep going to meetings, reading everything you can and keep reaching out. It helps us all!
Keep coming back, it works if you work it!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I raised a son. your story is so familiar, my experience was, I sent him off to a very reputable survivor backpacking trip. I am sure he saved his own life. He is still proud of his venture.
If you son is asking to go, wow that is sooo mature of him. He is begging you for help, to allow him to grow up and find his own power and strengths.
We have to let them go. I know my son told me I intimidated him, he had to let go of mom.
the greatest thing you can do for your son is be proud of him and support him going. You will be loved by him even more I promise. As it is showing you have confidense him as a man. They don't just turn into one when we re ready, he is growing into one right now.
It is a very hard time for boy, very hard.
You impress me with your love for him so very much.
I hope you will allow him the dignity to stand behind him. Being a parent is hard.
What happens if he does not go? Won't be good, he is doing his best to save himself.
My son came back so cool. He is now a leadman for a remodel company, scuba dives, hikes, backpacks, goes fishing.
He surely would have been dead, had he not gone. Your son will probably come back stronger and have so much integrity.
He will always be your son. I DO understand, I just a year or so stopped asking my kids when they are coming home... my son is thirty, daughter thirty one...lol she has a darling boy and has her fine arts degree and taught at a college here.
So mom your growing bird needs to fly, he will remember what you decide forever.
I can relate to your story about your son. I also have a son who got involved with drugs and alcohol and he too was an incredible athlete. He played football, wrestled and competed in track. I would say from experience, if your son says he wants to go into a program, then send him! The longer the better. 4 1/2 months is a very short time in the big scheme of life. You do miss them terribly, but the rewards are great when they come back as the son you remember. You can do this, not just for yourself, but for your son. I will be praying for you! God Bless, mel123
Wow, thank you for the support and feedback. I'm overwelmed knowing that I'm not alone even when it comes to the children part of it. thanks again..I really do appreciate it...
