The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I know I should not be getting caught up in the whole 'has he been drinking' thing. But last weekend my ex came and picked me up in the morning and as we got out of the car I caught a waft, a familiar sort of fruity alcohol smell. I thought he had stopped and he said he had. Of course I know that it's very possible he hadn't stopped.
However he didn't seem at all drunk. And I've never known him to drink in the morning. I decided to wait before I confronted him. I caught wiffs of it *all* day. I finally confronted him, he strongly denied anything, offering to let me smell his breath, which smelled of it, and his hair, clothes etc (incase it was hairspray or new bodyspray) which it was none of.
It is a mystery to me. And this is not the first time it has happened. In the last 3 months it has happened maybe 3 other times before and I just said nothing and brushed it off. I see no reason he has to continue to lie to me.
Or how he could smell of alcohol for as long as a day and not seem at all drunk. It is possible he binged the night before as most of these times I've smelled it have been Saturdays.
I feel like I'm falling back into that obsessive zone. I just can't (and somehow yet can) believe it that he is still drinking!
The time before this one that I smelled it was when our son was going to a birthday party. My ex wanted to come, I said no way. I didn't have proof but I wasn't going to stick around anymore to find out. He got angry, he cried -I would have thought that would be enough reason for him to not do it again?! I feel like completely writing my ex off, pretending he doesn't exist. But what if I'm wrong????
I read that prolonged alcohol use/abuse can cause damage to the liver which can cause diabetes or a similar complication called 'alcoholic ketoacidosis' which has the symptom of fruity smelling breath.
Is it possible to not drink and still smell of it?????
This reminds me of when I'd ask my A "Are you stoned?"
What a loaded question...did I really think he was going to tell me "Yep, sure am." Like wouldn't that send me thru the roof. So what I'd get was "No way, you think I am?" Self doubt, hmmmm well he appears stoned, but maybe he's just tired, maybe it's me. Maybe I just want to torment myself for 24 hrs or so. Maybe I .....
Does it matter -- can you control it? How much time are you wasting out of your day wrestling with whether he is or not. If he is -- will that change any aspect of your relationship? If it's a safety issue with the kids, go with your gut and presume he's still drinking.
I think you summed it up with :
"I feel like I'm falling back into that obsessive zone. I just can't (and somehow yet can) believe it that he is still drinking!"
Just remember he's not doing this to you, he's doing this to himself. His drinking has nothing to do with will power, heck if it did there would be more sober A's out there. There comes a point where they can't control it, no matter what it will cost them. It is progressive.
Keep focusing on you and doing the next right thing for you and your kids.
The irony of the "Alcohol smell mystery" is that even if you know all the physiological nuances to the chemical breakdown of alcohol in the body (and yes it can linger for days) it still doesn't give you or me any control over the alcoholic.
I used to be a lab tech for a Biology Dept. at a university and was working on a Masters in physiology. I remember one gentleman coming to the university and did a presentation at our Seminar on the genetic predisposition of alcoholics. It was such a good graduate level discussion of the percentages and probablilities of children of alcoholic parents, based on gender and other chemical predisposition characteristics. I remember thinking "now that I 'understand' this thing I can beat it.
I couldn't. It beat me, the marriage ended some 10 years later, but in the end it didn't matter how much I 'knew' or thought I knew. An alcoholic will drink and as they say in AA they will either sober up, get locked up, or get covered up (yes, prolonged alcohol use/abuse can cause damage to the liver which can cause diabetes or a similar complication called 'alcoholic ketoacidosis' ). '
You've done your research well mama, but remember your program and the 3 C's : you can't Control it, Cure it, or Cause it, but you can Let Go and Let God handle it. And frankly that's about all you can do about him.
You hang in there sister, you'll get there. Easy does it. java
no mystery , if it walks like a duck , quacks like a duck it is probably a duck , expecting honesty is a mistake the disease tells him he's smarter than the average joe and think they can fool others only problem is he is lying to himself , learn to trust what u see hear and smell. Obsession is a funny thing it sneaks up on you again and again so easy to fall back into the old patterns . keep the focus on your needs nothing u can do about his drinking anyway so not much point in wasting time wondering if he is or isn't .
I know that scent too, tried to deny it away, said it was what you said the ketosis.
Well I believed it so much until he was in an accident that wrapped his work van around a power pole that turned off the lights in half a city.....
I was at his moms saying oh don't worry he is not drinking.. as the sheriff dropped him and his dog off.. He comes in and I said what happened???!!! I was drinking ALRIGHT???!!!
Like it was my fault for not knowing. LIke I was the big dummy.
Trust your intuition. Also they can drink a lot and not show signs of being drunk. It is called maintenance using. Just enough to satisfy them for a bit, but not enough to make them tipsy.
I know I say it too much, but from what I have seen and learned from alanon is if we want to be with someone, anyone we don't gauge them by the disease they have.
BUT maybe to be around them, we set boundaries, ok you drink, but I have a boundary that I will only be around you when you are appropriate to me. I will not be in a car with you or anything else where we are no safe.
Or maybe it is, I will not be with you when you use. I won't be married to an A.
Whatever.
For me, I got where I detached and felt comfortable no matter what or where he was. Sadly his brain damage from the surgery and quite possibley his aism, made that impossible.
Even the smell did not matter. Becuz I loved the man, and this man has a disease he did not choose.
so that is my experience.
it is hard huh? When i let that stuff go, the wondering, the looking, smelling, it all came together. I could accept him as is. sadly the physical abuse came out of nowhere when he would turn a pasty white and get a horrible headach and that was that.
If you are right, and he is 'sneaking' drinks, then eventually (fairly soon) he will be right back into full blown active drinking, and you will know for sure. If you are wrong, and just imagining this, then you are being pretty unfair. So, following alanon's advice to keep the focus on YOU - which is the sort of person you want to be? One who waits to see what the future brings, or one who condemns others on pretty iffy evidence.
I also agree that if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, etc. So, if he is not drunk, is not acting inappropriately, is treating you with respect - your part of it is settled. What he does if he is not with you is none of your business - you cannot control it, and you SHOULD not control it. It is not your job to cure your A. It is your job to take care of yourself.
Relapse and denial are part of their disease. Paranoia and excessive focus on the actions of another are part of ours. You can't do anything about his disease, but you can work on yours.
I will say this, hubby had been cleaning his guns after a day of hunting. He had a glass of what looked like and smelled a fruity vodka. I was convinced he had been drinking, but the problem was he was very sober. I wrongly accused him of it. He showed me the bottle, and it was cleaning solution. I sell the darn thing in my store. A rather large fight insued, and he was justifiably angry with me. I know when he's been drinking because his behavior is so different. This man was coherent, not stumbling and displayed none of the usual signs of being drunk. Trust me it takes him very little for him to be drunk.
I tell you this story, because when I look back at it I ask myself "Would it change anything?" An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do. Not a darn thing I can do about it. The only thing I can change is my reaction to the situation. Obviously I left my program at work because it certainly wasn't with me when I came that night. I now use it as a lesson. He has forgiven me, and I have forgiven myself. It made me realize how far I have to go yet in my recovery even though hubby is in recovery too. Yep still lots of work to do on me.
Take all that time and energy you're wasting on focusing on him, and refocus on yourself, your recovery, your growth. You can do it. We all can.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know that smell very well,,,its almost like a "sweet garlicky smell", and man nowadays I am so keen to it. I will have to agree with Luna about it coming out the pores of the person the next day, and unfortunately agree with Abby that if it walks like a duck etc. etc. Just remember this disease, is cunning , baffling , and incidious, it lies, it cheats, it destroys, it kills, and it will do anything to get another drink. I am so sorry you are going through this, however do keep the flocus on yourself, and detach with love, one day at a time...........................gardengal
youwrote; Hi, I know I should not be getting caught up in the whole 'has he been drinking' thing. But....... 
brushing the teeth.
z))))) Work iT Work IT
Program!! So glad your here!