The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been posting for a while. I have been going thru so much, learning to be me again. and do what I want without having to answer to my A living with me. It is hard, and I hurt inside, but I have hope I will get thru this.
I am sure you all realize that my A and I are no longer together. Maybe its better this way. When the housing authority got an anonymous tip that he was staying with me (he had already been with me over 2 1/2 years) They knew what time he left for work and what time he came home, and put some nice little comments that nipped it in the bud--he had to go. They also reported I have a cat, and I was told in the letter I got about Charlie and the cat, it was an ultimatum---Charlie had to go and I either had to get rid of my sweet kitty, Jodie, or bring in paperwork on his vaccinations, plus they demanded a $100.00 (non-refundable) pet deposit. So, Charlie (my A), left and went just up the road to a shitty motel where drug deals go down, people bring prostitues, drinking and drugging ( my A only drinks, Says he hasn't done coke for over 13 years, maybe he is into some drugs as well) All this happened around the time I was having my hysterectomy (Feb 28). Lovely timing, huh? He was already at the motel by then, but came every day to check on my pets. (I have a kitty named Jodie, and he is a Manx which is a cat born with no tail--special breed, and my sweetie parakeet, whose name is Angel, who he really didn't tend to like he should have.)
Ever since he left, each day that goes by, I take care of my apt..keeping it nice and clean. Actually doing a major overhaul---Just how I want to make it look. Feeling proud of me. New curtains in the living room, straightening up, re-organizing. Doing it how I want MY apartment to be. For me and no one else. I will admit it feels wonderful inside if someone visits my place. I am no longer ashamed of the pigstye it used to be. When my A was with me, I was just frozen, and unable to take care of things like I needed to have been doing. Too concerned about anything and everything about my A. Now I am concentrating more and more, day by day, on MY needs, and desires. Blossoming back into who I am meant to be. It is beautiful.
Yes I am better off than living with him. The (I say that even though I still love him) actually accused ME of sending the anonymous tip that sent him packing. Still does. I had to borrow the $100 from my father. Why in the Hell would I do that, knowing I would have to come crawling to daddy for help, which was very hard to do.
Also, I should add that while at this motel, he met up with another alcoholic--a woman, and now they are shacked up together in his motel room. Makes me sick to think that he, because he said he don't want to be alone, and couldn't live with me, would end up doing this. It really hurts, I can't help it. It is like dealing with a death--I am going thru a grief process.
Anyway, I am ok today, just trying to stay calm. Trying to take each day as it comes. Cant concentrate when I try to read books & stuff.
Dealing with a lot of restlessness and anxiety, sleeping all up. Last week I was up for about 3 days, Manic, until I crashed. It is what I deal with. Sometimes I do feel like a basketcase. Holding on till July 3. I finally got an appointment with a new psychiatrist, and I won't have to go thru the state, which is hopeless and crappy. I am taking my meds like I am supposed to. If I wasn't I would be a complete and total basketcase right now.
this is so hard, but I must press on....
Would love to hear feedback & ESH Please
Love Stacie
__________________
This is HippieTrippieChick Signing Off
Be blessed and have a wonderful day.
Remember God loves you.
PEACE
so you were able to keep your kitty? I hope so. You need her.
Oh Stacie, aism sucks our creativity. At least I relate to that. When mine was finally gone, omg I saw the cobwebs and dirty walls, all kinds of upkeep that needed to be done.
I did not even realize how it sucked me in every way. I was almost no one.
So glad you are redoing and thinking about what YOU like. I know it is still hard, but I promise, the more you do for you, get your space where you like it, the sooner you will feel even better.
I bet you will wonder what ever made you stay with an A like him. I wonder myself now. I know in the beginning, of course I knew, but as the disease got worse, my A was not him anymore. He became evil, mean just no one I would ever want to be with.
Now I don't care what, I never want to be around him again. never. It took me awhile, months to get here. He really left, like August of zero six.
If you want to, you will keep moving ahead. All you do now will be making your new life familiar. All that stuff from before, the pain, the memories will become a totally different life.
I am telling you what my experience was, is.
Remember he has a horrible disease, the disease takes on all that horrible other stuff. It may help you to detach from the disease he has. Loving him the same as you may love another sick human. But no longer in love with him.
It was easier for me to not call him names, not blame him. To just let it all go. Keep stepping away from him.
For me there is no hope anymore. NOT any.
I have to admit, when I have to do something unpleasant, or something really hard to do alone or as a woman, I do get very upset that my husband was taken away from me. But I do not hate him.
Stacie, I am glad you wrote, was concerned about you.
Made me think a lot. It was helpful for me stac as it made me see how my heart is healing.
All sounds like progress to me. It does in deed take time for things to settle down. You are taking care of your place and your pets... and getting busy for you. "When I got busy, I got better."
You don't mention if you have found meetings for yourself, but the companionship is also very helpful.
I am so glad you are here!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
(((htc))) So good to see you are taking care of You. Have not heard in a while. If you cant make it to an Alanon (or open aa) Meeting... please please please... i would like to reallly urge you to go to the library or to a half price book store... Get yourself some good reading Alanon books. Even * amazon.com sells used alanon books at half and less than half price tooo!
PLUS~ At a meeting you may be able to obtain a copy or two there. ahh.. theres another good reason to try to get to out and go to one...or 2 or 3.. if you like it.... i know you would/will. PLUS~ You need (((hugs))) and some laughter around you and to be near others that understand what your going through and to listen to their es&h on how they have found ways to make life a bit easier while learning to work the tools of this beautiful program.
Having the reading material of Alanon can only help You ..MORE.
I depend on my daily meditation - book One Day at a Time and Courage to Change. I am dedicated to read each morning.
The daily readers help me set my day in motion. " Positive Motion."
My Alanons 12 Steps Book is here for me... anytime I need to remind myself where my focus needs to be. On Me. On HP/God. On Living and enjoying my life.
Keep Workin iT Your So Worth IT!
Keep Looking uP Keep Moving Forward Keep Coming Back!!
(I say that even though I still love him) actually accused ME of sending the anonymous tip that sent him packing. Still does. I had to borrow the $100 from my father. Why in the Hell would I do that, knowing I would have to come crawling to daddy for help, which was very hard to do.
Your So Worth IT!