When I lived with the A I was mostly numb and overwhelmed. That is how I dealt with it.  I was also of course immensely depressed and sad and angry.  I was always fighting with him over somethng.  The other thing I was always doing of course was begging him, remonstrating and asking him to behave.  He did that very little.

These days I am on my own.  I have very little contact with the A.  The last time I talked with him was now Tuesday morning.  The no contact is also one thing the A pulls. He will disappear for a while. Generally he is not too far away. Then he will come back and act like nothing has happened.  We had a huge fight on May 3rd, then I saw him on May 10th and he was somewhat pleasant.  I gave him a birthday present (he gave me none of course).  I would say our visit was almost cordial but it was not "real".  Then on May 17th I managed to get through to him and he said as always he was moving. I doubt very much he has.  Nevertheless I am left worried and really upset about my dogs.  I got to see them on May 10th and they seemed well.  They were happy to be walking with me. 

I have filed for a restraining order against him.  I need that in order to get the custody of my truck back.  I have not learned yet if he has been served so I am going to have to find other ways to serve him. The truck will be another notch in moving on.

I am also left with an unholy mess around the rent. The Judge found me liable for the Joint Tenancy to pay for the time he lived there with the homeless couple.  I found an attorney who may help me. Needless to say that takes up considerable amounts of my time.

In the meantime I have found a job that pays something but it doesn't pay till the beginning of June.  I am in the meantime working part time too and pretty tired and irritable and feel quite ill somedays. There are days I don't sleep and days I do sleep.  I find solace in my cats.  I am immensely isolated and sad and angry and have floods of emotions.   I also know I could not leave one moment before I did. 

Today I have made a huge effort not to go to get my mail from our PO Box.  The last vestige of our "ourness".  Going there would reveal to me whether the A was around. He would not be collecting his mail if he moved.  I think it is likely he will stay in the area (a) his drugs are here (b) his work contacts are here and (c) I don't believe he has anywhere to go up there. 

There are still moments when I would take him back. There are other moments when I know all his lies and deceit and money issues are too much for me.  His manipulation is also astonishing.  I do believe he has the restraining order otherwise I believe he would have called to manipulate.  He always did in the past.  I also believe he has absolutely no conscience about taking the truck.

He told me on May 10th he had a huge falling out with his homeless friend. This friend did an immense amount of work for him. Really he packed up the tremendous amount of stuff the A has.  He drove up north and moved it all into a storage area.  I feel it is likely the A will lose the storage over time and I am determined not to rescue him. In return the A was going to give him one of his car(s). He has a chrysler he has not used in years.  It has a great deal of problems.  Needless to say when push came to shove the A decided the homeless guy had not done "enough" and would not give it up.  I felt then as I do now that for this A that doing anything remotely positive is grounds for him to hate you. All the things he had to say about the homeless guy on the 10th were negative.  He spoke about his drug use (of course he didn't own his own) he spoke about his not working (needless to say he didn't own he has barely worked in months).  I also feel like this is the only way he can relate superficially and when people become close as I did at one point and the homeless guy did he sabatages and destroys. 

For once I stayed out of it.  I did not deliver my opinion on what "should" happen. I merely listened.  I said nothing.  I really have nothing much to say except my "fear" for him and he is not going to be able to hear that.

I feel immensely sad, angry, lonely and betrayed.  I know he is very very ill. I know he is at risk. The homeless guy he has been with for the last few months is suicidal. I believe the A is too but he won't articulate it.  I know the dogs give him great solace, especially the beagle who seems to totally adore him. At the same time I think he is over the edge and may not come back.  And needless to say unlike any other time I am not willing to go there with him.

Maresie.