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I've been really clear with him for the past 2 months about my feelings in this relationship and what I want. Last Friday I told him that on Tuesday I was giving our 30 day notice and moving with the kids and he'd have to find another place to live on his own. I will no longer live with alcoholism, pot in the house, financial insecurity or lies. So he went off and spent money we didn't have, bought a bag of grass, and 2 huge hanging flower pots for me for Mothers Day (I really don't need them and would've been fine with just a card). Then on Tuesday I gave the 30 day notice and when he came home I let him know. He was completely blindsided. He still believed that we were moving out together. I basically had to repeat the entire conversation. So he went into panic mode. He called his cousin who is freshly (last Thurs) divorced and has a load of her own problems. He is going to move in with her. She's not the type that will get sick of his junk. She will coddle and sympathize with him. And he continues to hit the ATM for money we can't afford and buy grass and vodka. I can smell it on him but according to him vodka doesn't smell. Right! He's gone up north for the weekend to spend time with his family who is going to sit him down and really lay into him (he has no idea this is happening - they have done an intervention with him when he was 18). He just couldn't understand why I wouldn't let the kids go with him. It's so nice to be "alone" with the kids. I've come to realize that I'm wasting a lot of mental energy on him. I've started reading a book and spending my time packing up. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm doing the right thing because my mind wants so badly to turn around and make me feel like leaving isn't the right thing. Then he goes and does something stupid to solidify my decision. I have the FULL support of his family and my family and my friends and even some of his friends. It's going to be a bumpy 3 weeks.
I am sorry to hear all this Delilah. I am thinking of you and I care.
I remember when I first suspected my then-hubby had a drinking problem. I swear, I knew NOTHING about alcohol abuse, and I always thought vodka didn't smell. That's what I had heard. Well, I know better now!!! That sickening sweet odor is one I simply cannot tolerate. I can tell the second a drop has passed his lips. FUnny how so many of them drink that because we cannot detect it!! Yeah, you right!!
And so, Delilah, I do wish you well.There is a happy life waiting for you. Good for you for grabbing for it. Take good care; I'll keep the prayers and positive energy heading in your direction.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Delilah, chances are he never will,"get it." The A is not wired the same as the non A.
I don't know when he started using? 15, 21, 13? When ever he started is how old he is mentally. When we don't face our pain, mature thru our milestones in life, we do not grow.
If you said what you did to a 13 year old or 18 year old, they cannot believe it. going away? moving out? no way, denial sets in.
It is way too big for them to face. Your A is so sick that his way of dealing with it is buying more pot and alcohol.
Of course he will find somewhere, where he can use. What would make him go somewhere where he can't? The disease wants to be comfortable. My A lives with a woman dieing of cancer. OMG the drugs he must get now..oh boy!
In my experience I don't involve the family. Because they have no idea usually what aism is. It is nothing personal. It is a disease. Also chances are we take them back or move back in together. The family then feels betrayed, and thinks we are nuts and love the punishment.
It was hard for my loved ones to understand until I got so into alanon. Now I am open and honest about it. They have all hated him. They know I have loved him all my life, then see what his disease has done. Now I say, he has a horrible disease. I love him, always will.
hmmm well dear, many hugs to you. It is always up to you. We can learn to live with them. It takes a lot of work. But in many cases it can be done. Sometimes it takes a separation to see what we really want.
He started using at age 17 after the death of his older brother. I've often said I feel like I'm living with a teenager. LOL Makes complete sense to me.
oh no wonder. It is sad becuz those genes were just waiting to be woke up.
I am so sad for you both.
From my experience, if he never had a long time of recovery, he has never done his grieving work from his loss.
I often wonder if that is what makes so many have such a horrible time trying to be in recovery. They have to be bombarded with so so many unattended to issues. Can you imagine being 55 and never grieved losing all your family???
The A thought I was moving with him too. He really felt like I should give up all to be with him and his "dream". His dream included being homeless. He did say he wanted me to come with him but he could come up with nothing concrete to go to.
I do really believe many many A's live in fantasy. For me I lived in overwhelm When the A did tremendousy self destructive stuff I went into overwhelm and paralysis.
For you I am glad you are taking action. I am often overwhelmed with stuff about what I "should" do about him. I have done enough I think.
I am working on ways to get "me" back. I lost me in the overwhelm and the paralysis. Now I am coming back. It is a long hard slog back. I have to force myself not to think about where the A is. I stopped going looking for him when I first came into Al anon I am not starting again now.
My ex didn't believe me that I was leaving. The boys and I told him together, gave him the date, started packing, but it didn't sink in until about 2 days before. He worked the boys and twisted their words to suit his needs, but I knew better because the boys and I had spent many hours deciding what to do and looking at houses.
He doesn't have to get it, but he will have to learn how to live with it. My ex and I get along great now that we don't live together. I don't have the resentments, because I don't see the drunkeness anymore, and I only speak to him on work days when I know he is sober!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
