The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"There is no such thing as wasted time. It's just what we went through to get to where we are. Sometimes I look down the road at where I 've been and where I want to go. There is so much ahead for you and me. I ended up just where I was meant to be. Don't regret what's left behind. There are chances we must take, and mistakes that we must make. But there is no such thing as wasted time. We learn from our mistakes and the chances that we take. There is no such thing as wasted time. NO such thing." "Wasted Time" by Lee Toy Parnell
So many posts on seperation and divorce and heartache made me want to share these very true words from an old country and western singer Lee Roy Parnell. It made me think of some al-anon slogans; Live and Let Live. Let Go and Let God, Progress Not Perfection, Listen and Learn, Easy Does It, and Keep an Open Mind.
One of the best responses I've read tonight to a post was that every situation is different and to get legal counsel (this was to divorce issues) that we in al-anon do not advise, but share experience, strength and hope.
I too am seperated from my husband who is not currently drinking, or in recovery, but defininately a dry drunk. The distrust, lieing, and running up of bills just goes with the territory I guess. I am looking at divorce due to the financial issues and basically have lost the desire to fight, but that's just MY story.
I know that each situation is different and we each are right where we are meant to be. I know that sounds odd, especially to me (since this is my 4th divorce). I have every reason to sit on my pity pot and rehearse all the injustices in my life. But the choice I make today is to take care of me. I guess I'm just a slower learner than most, but it's progress, not perfection and I AM a work in progress.
Good luck to all of you out there that are struggling with desperate situations and good luck to me! lol
I believe diffrently. I believe once you have children and you have put up with more then one year of your A's alcohlism that every day you spend with him/her is wasted time for ourselves. It's wasted time, it's wasted energy, its wasting our own mental health. NOT wasting it would be moving along and bettering ourselves. That's my opinion. :)
Wow two very different views on wasted time. I can see both sides. I am waiting to see if my AH will get and stay sober. How long do you wait. I also have 3 children. Sometimes I think I am wasting my time and energy on something I want but seems so far away. I sometimes think even though I love him how long do I wait. How long do I let him float in and out. Seeing the kids on his days off but not living with us. That is where I am having a hard time. I sometimes feel I am wasting my time like I am just putting off the inevitable.
This post was truely a work in progress, I kept losing my server so posted and revised...you might want to read the revised addition. Just a suggestion.
My thoughts are that, as smart as I think I am, I needed to go through the pain of what my marriage was to understand the person I am and the person I desire to progress toward being. (and yes... that is a run on sentence.. ;)
For the majority of time in my today, I am joyous and free. There is a very thin line ---for me--- when I start thinking about the past. I ask myself if I am A) keeping hold of the lessons learned B) holding onto pain and resentment of what should have been C) obsessing about what I could have done differently
B and C murder my serenity
my two cents... thanks for the topic (JAVA) yours in recovery cj
-- Edited by CJ at 01:17, 2007-05-19
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Another thought, I guess I was just thinking of the A who says he's grateful for his alcoholism. if it wasn't for his disease he wouldn't have the program.
hi Java , I'm with you girl . I too used to think of all the time wasted but since comming here I can truly admit that if I had not married an alcoholic I never would have reached the end of my rope and looked for help for myself . Today i am grateful I married an alcoholic. Becomming an alcoholic was not in m y husb plan for living life to the fullest . I didn't marry a drunk I married a nice young man who occasionally drank too much , his disease progressed til it ran his life and eventually mine . I know now that I had choices and for the most part I chose to do nothing til arriving here . I hid behind my husb alcoholism for along time not willing to take responsibility for my own happiness. His disease got me here and for that I am grateful . Louise
This is a really interesting topic. Recently, in my life a bunch of relationships I have invested time, love, and attention in have gone haywire--I kind of imagine it as one of the cartoon springs that suddenly bursts and all of the wires have gone ka-poing! LOL. My seven-year relationship ended and I lost several friends who were couple's friends of ours, and I had a falling out with my dad. Related to all of this loss, I have gotten into a space of--WHY, WHY, WHY!!! For example: Why didn't I see X sooner, Why didn't I act on Y, etc. The bottom-line is I have in a lot of pain over these losses and I been really struggling with feeling like I "wasted my time" on these relationships--I have been blaming them, berating myself, and generally wallowing in the whys and "If only-ies..."
Last night, though, I was flipping through my Hope to Today reader looking for some relief. And I came across readings on fear that REALLY spoke to me. The readings connected fear to other character defects--blaming, running, freezing, feeling like a victim, etc. And, it was like a slow lightbulb coming on. THAT'S ME! I thought. Especially, the getting stuck in fear and not being able to take positive action on my behalf & feeling like a victim. I grew up ACOA and I realized that FEAR has really been my middle-name for a long, long, long time, and it has deeply affected who I have been in relationships. The antidote to fear, according to Hope for Today, is faith. Another revelation for me! I have been so convinced that the solution to my problems is to focus on my fear, and the source of my fear, and I could control/eliminate my fear--HA! that has not worked! But, when I am fearful, it is hard to give up that strategy. So, I have decided, just for today, to fake it till I make it and operate as if I have faith, to focus on having faith when fear comes up.
This all relates for me to wasted time. When, I am in a place of fear, not faith, then I believe I have wasted time, LOTS OF TIME. When I change my perspective to faith, I see that everything in my life has its place--that what I have gone through, even if it hasn't turned out the way I liked, has had value. I nolonger need to moan over the things I really didn't have control over, or even the things I did have control over and botched. I am moving forward with purpose and that's what counts.
Along with all this, I have begun to see that HP is the scriptwriter, not me. People who in my version of the script, had a central starring role in my life that would last a lifetime, turned out to have an important & crucial role but ultimately were on stage for 15 minutes, not three acts, like I had envisioned. Initially, I was crushed by this, but now I have begun to appreciate that I may not know best, and I can give up this control and my fear to my HP, the ultimate scriptwriter.
On one hand, I don't believe all of the years I spent with A were wasted at all and I believe things happen for a reason. If he had not come into my life, I don't think I ever would've learned about myself. I never would've learned about alcoholism, how being raised in an alcoholic home affected me and influenced the choices I made as I grew older, how my 1st marriage to someone I loved very much went wrong largely because of alcohol abuse,etc. I thank my higher power for giving me the learning experiences I've had, difficult as they've been, since being married to my A. And I have been able to teach my children about the disease and hope that they will be able to make better choices than I was able to in my young years. But now, on the other hand, I do believe I've reached a point of wasting time. Trying to figure out how to relate to my A whom I've been separated from for 6 mos. has not gotten easier although we each try to work our programs. The point we are at now is difficult and I don't see progress. I don't want to waste time doing what feels like banging my head against a brick wall. I want to move on with him or without him and the latter is what I see happening very soon now. I think "wasting time" is all in the way you look at it.....jaja
Blue Cloud you have made much progress, grasshopper!
When you said, "Last night, though, I was flipping through my Hope to Today reader looking for some relief. And I came across readings on fear that REALLY spoke to me. The readings connected fear to other character defects--blaming, running, freezing, feeling like a victim, etc. And, it was like a slow lightbulb coming on. THAT'S ME! I thought. Especially, the getting stuck in fear and not being able to take positive action on my behalf & feeling like a victim. I grew up ACOA and I realized that FEAR has really been my middle-name for a long, long, long time, and it has deeply affected who I have been in relationships. The antidote to fear, according to Hope for Today, is faith. Another revelation for me! I have been so convinced that the solution to my problems is to focus on my fear, and the source of my fear, and I could control/eliminate my fear--HA! that has not worked! But, when I am fearful, it is hard to give up that strategy. So, I have decided, just for today, to fake it till I make it and operate as if I have faith, to focus on having faith when fear comes up.
I was amazed at the growth shown here!!! You truly are a miracle in progress. That's why I say "but there is no such thing as wasted time. We learn from our mistakes and the chances we must take, but there is no such thing as wasted time.
The great news is this wasn't wasted time, the relationships and the heartache...look how much you learned! Would you have learned it any other way. I know for me, I could not have. Bless you and keep you, you are precious.
Hello Java, Not too long ago a member wrote a post about song lyrics and The Eagles. This happens to be one of my all time favorite songs. I recall what it meant to me when I went through my divorce and since Ive been in this program I am able to hear the song in a whole new way. I hear learning, acceptance, letting go, forgiveness and gratitude in it.
Today I am not only grateful for what is, but for what was
Wasted Time Band: The Eagles
Written by: Don Henley/Glen Frey
Well baby, there you stand With your little head, down in your hand Oh, my God, you can't believe It's happening again your baby's gone, and you're all alone and it looks like the end.
And you're back out on the street. And you're tryin' to remember. How will you start it over? You don't know if you can. You don't care much for a stranger's touch, but you can't hold your man.
You never thought you'd be alone this far down the line And I know what's been on your mind You're afraid it's all been wasted time
The autumn leaves have got you thinking about the first time that you fell You didn't love the boy too much, no, no you just loved the boy too well, farewell So you live from day to day, and you dream about tomorrow, oh.
And the hours go by like minutes and the shadows come to stay So you take a little something to make them go away And I could have done so many things, baby If I could only stop my mind from wonderin' what I left behind and from worrying 'bout this wasted time
Ooh, another love has come and gone Ooh, and the years keep rushing on I remember what you told me before you went out on your own: "Sometimes to keep it together, you got to leave it alone."
So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, that it wasn't really wasted time Mm,hm Oh hoo, ooh, ohh, Ooh,ooh, mm
