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I guess parts of me will always be in denial. My husband has been sober six years. Thank God. And I do thank God for his sobriety. He has no program. I don't know how many meetings he went to. He said the only time he thinks about beer is when he went to meetings because that is what they talked about.
When he was newly sober, we were almost back to the newlywed stage of marriage. He said he felt like he was seeing me for the first time. He was very affectionate and talked to me. All the things I'd been missing for years.
I don't know what to make of things right now. For some time, I was telling him how important it was for us to have some time alone together. I remember someone telling me this when our children were babies. Now our children are 16 and 14 years old.
In the past, the beer was the priority. And now, I don't know what the problem is exactly. We did go out together 2 or 3 times and then things went back to the same old routine. And I do mean routine.
I am embarrassed to admit I do not know the last time we shared any intimacy. My husband has mentioned he was depressed. He has been to a doctor and has started blood pressure medication. He is 46. His doctor told him to get some exercise and my husband has never exercised.
I am also embarrased to say I am bored with the marriage and I have told him so. It seems like it is always the woman who recognizes problems in a relationship and does the work to fix it. And I resent that to some degree.
I am not without blame. I tend to hold my feelings inside. But when I went on a limb and expressed to him how we need time alone together- things have not really changed. It feels as if the relationship does not deserve one night a week to sustain it. It is like an untended garden with no growth.
What scares me is I have stopped caring. Well, not stopped caring but I've stopped repeating myself by telling him we need time alone together and I haven't addressed our sex life either.
I realize if I want to go out and have fun and he doesn't- then it is up to me to go out anyway. But as a married woman, I would prefer to go out with my husband once in awhile.
I am bored because all my husband seems to care about is the bills. Years ago, we were so in debt and now we are in such a better place. His focus is on the bills and his to do list. I've told him the to do list will never get finished. Everybody is busy. But every day he just talks about the weather and the bills and what he has to do. He has so many things he wants to do around the house, like painting and stuff. But none of his priorities include taking his wife out.
I've told him I am sick of planning everything and that he could show some initiative.
I've been working very hard as well and lately don't even have the desire for sex. But do know I don't want to live in a sexless marriage. I am not interested in anyone else. I love my husband. I don't see how God could get us thru all we've been thru to have it turn to crap.
Okay, so yes I need meetings. I went last week. Yes, I need a sponsor.....
What is this dry drunk syndrome exactly? It feels like there is still some barrier between us. Before it was the beer and now I don't know what is going on with us.
Since neither of you were working some kind of "program", be it 12 step or something else, now that YOU are, I'll bet your situation will improve tremendously.
One of the two of you has to begin to make the changes, and though we focus on the alcoholic as the problem child, it's just as effective when the spouse of the alcoholic makes the changes him or herself.
Forgive me if my assumption about not working a program is wrong. I guess my point is, SOMEONE has to begin to make some changes. Looks like it is you! Congradulations, my dear!
Hmmmm...Somehow I cannot accept the premise that a drunk without a program = dry drunk. Surprising fact is lots of people can do it without a program and make out well. Lots cannot. Whether one will exhibit the "dry drunk syndrome" is an individual thing, and not a given if AA or similar program is not involved.
I am sorry you and hubby are have misunderstandings and unpleasantness. I sincerely hope things will improve for you both.
With caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Dry drunk refers to people who could actually benefit from AA or some other behavioral modification program and choose not to go. There are people who do need AA, and don't go. Because they are not looking at their behavior and not examing their behavior their behavior is not changing. That means that they are miserable and are making others miserable. It does not sound like, to me, like your husband is suffering from a dry drunk syndrome. It sounds like at least for me, you will definately benefit from al anon because it sounds like you are in need of a way to change your prospective. The bills obsession, to me, sounds like how your husband is channeling his energy. He uses his energy in the bills, his to do list, whatever. It may be good for you too to have something like that. To get yourself involved in volunteering and things like that will give you something to channel your energy in, and if you can do it with your hustband, you may not feel so bored or alone.
I don't know either if dry drunk really fits... don't know him well enough. To me the "syndrome" has to do with someone exhibiting the symptoms of A'ism even while not drinking any more. The selfishness, imaturity, fits of rage and self-pity or whatever manifested itself as the disease took hold in a person.
I will ask a question though. You say that he spends most of his energy on "the list". Who honestly decides what is on the list?
- Him only? - both of you? - you?
Here is why I ask. Between my wife and I ... your story could be her version of the relationship we have had. Always busy... never about us.
We to have this mental list going, and it is rare that I add anything to it. Well, guess that's not true now since our seperation... but that's how it was.
Every spare minute, between the kids and this mental list which she largely populated... there wasn't a moment left over. Yet... she said we never did anything for us. I thought all this stuff was not only for us, but largely for her. Me trying to people please... and I used to get furious that she would say I pay her no attention.
I know now that this was distorted for both of us.
I am thinking differently now and that is good, but it's a process. My part of any process today... is to work on me. Make sure my side of the street is clean, and set a good example. The rest will either work itself out, or not. This has helped me look a little harder at my side. Thank you.
I think you are on the right track to hit meetings more often and find a sponsor to get very specific with.
Thanks for sharing ... it helps us all.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Lots of good esh so far. When I hear a dry drunk, to me it means that the person has stopped drinking but nothing else. There's no desire to change the things that they can. In many ways, "it's everything about the alcohol and nothing about the alcohol" with active or dry alcoholics. Many, many do not want to get down to the bare, vulnerable, sensitive side of themselves due to the vulnerability. Chances are they have been scarred from their past and it's much easier to either deny it or pretend it doesn't exist.
Also, it's middle life (mid-life crisis - hate the words). We get to a point of complacency in many ways or going the opposite extreme realizing hey this is middle and I don't have much time left, I've got to start living again. I wish I had the answers, I don't. I am soon to be divorced (very amicably) for those many of your same reasons. I don't advocate it but I decided that life is worth living. I want to sing and dance in the rain. I want to ride from one side of the country to the other on a motorcycle. I want to go to amusement parks and never get off the rollercoaster ride. I want to indulge a little bit in many facets. You get my drift, and when one person changes and the other doesn't come along ..........................
I just heard this new song today which of course reminded me of 12 step programs and the title is "Startin' with Me." After all, we are the only ones in charge of our own destiny and no others.
yours in recovery, Maria
by Jake Owen
I had a one night stand with my best friends baby sister And to this day he still won't speak to me I pawned my grandpas old guitar in collage For a case of beer and a tank of gasoline I took a swing at my old man one Christmas I never dreamed that it would be his last I wish mom had rung my neck When she caught me with those cigarettes Which reminds me, Im down to my last pack
If I had a dime For half the things I did That didnt make no sense at all Id be living a little higher on the hog If only Id have known That later on down the road Id look back and not like what I see Id have changed a lot of things Startin with me
I called my brother everything I could think of The night he wouldnt bail me out of jail I lost a job most folks round here would die for By laying out all night and raising hell And I let a woman that I love slip through my fingers Chalk another dumb move up to my foolish pride I wasn't there standin by the bed When the preacher bowed his head With the family, the day my grandma died
If I had a dime For half the things I did That didnt make no sense at all Id be living a little higher on the hog If only I'd have known That later on down the road Id look back and not like what I see Id have changed a lot of things Startin with me
If only Id have known That later on down the road Id look back and not like what I see Whoa, Id have changed a lot of things Startin with me Startin with me
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
You sound like you are in a "love depression". I know about those!! I was in a big love depression the majority of the time when my AH was dry. If we could go back and make him work the program , I'm sure things would be very different for us. I stopped caring. I don't do attention trips anymore. I don't even particularaly want his attention. I know this isn't good, but things have come a long way to get to this point. I don't want to be with anybody else, and I do get very lonely. I was doing everything I could to make things interesting, to make life worhtwhile. But I was the only one. In my heart I belive that if he worked the program and took it seriously, that things would be different. Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I may not understand why things are the way they are, but it doesn't matter, as I have a higher power and faith that things can change. Even if it has to being with me.
The times I have seen a marriage work, married to an A who is sober, is one he or she is on a program of recovery.
I like that saying take the nuts out of a fruitcake and it is still a fruit cake.
Aism is a combination of many symptoms. What a program of recovery may to is, for instance he knows you want to have time with him alone. So in his program he has an area of finding out what you both are interested together and set it up. It is part of his program to develop his marriage.
Part of my A's program was to not lie. To face truths and conflict. When he did, he realized it was not as bad as he had always thought.
He would go to AA routinely,he would ask how I was. every morn he went into his shop and talked to his hp. every morn. He would talk over what he really wanted, face the bs the aism was telling him, ask hp to help him. Tell himself today I do not have to use.
BUT hon, I too went thru what you do now. He was boring. All he talked about was work. Watched tv, stopped kissing me hi and bye. no more meetings, no more reading the Big Book.
He "never" laughed anymore, he "never" smiled anymore. No more funny jokes, no more compassion.
No more in the morning talking to hp. He spiraled into a pit. Becuz no program, his mind went to grieving his greatest loss, his passion, using. And soon he found it again and used.
I could not stand looking at him anymore. I could not hear the complaining anymore becuz he no longer was positive either. Also part of his program was to focus on the positive.
Wanted him to go.Did not want to hear about our home being a pit, my having too many animals, my being on the computer was stupid.
He used to be proud of me, now becuz he hated himself again, he hated me, becuz how could anyone good love him?
So I do relate. Also sadly, A's do tend to lose their desire for sex. As men get older they cannot perform as well anyway. Add a depressed A, yep I know.
It is very sad. My A is no longer any part of my life except in my heart.
I know what ya mean there too. Sure we could get it somewhere else, but we are married and love our A's.
but I decided that life is worth living. I want to sing and dance in the rain. I want to ride from one side of the country to the other on a motorcycle. I want to go to amusement parks and never get off the rollercoaster ride. I want to indulge a little bit in many facets. You get my drift, and when one person changes and the other doesn't come along ..........................