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My ex called me today after he was done with the lawyer. He signed the divorce papers that state he will be allowed supervised visitation. So, he called and said he is now ready to make arrangements with me to see the kids. I said nothing and just hung up. He acted as if nothing was wrong. As if his behavior is sane and rational and that he and I will just now get along and be fine. I can't do this. He needs to go thru the court if he wants to see the kids. There will have to be some sort of guardian and controlled enviroment. His behavior yesterday and last night show me that he is in a manic phase, headed toward a depression. And that means relapse is comming. I hear y'all. No one knows the future, I am just going on past experience. He honestly acts as if I am just supposed to trust him because he is pretending to work a program ( that's a little anger leaking out). I don't trust him. I refuse to enable him to be a father. If he wants to be a part of the kids lives he is going to have to do it all by himself and the hard way. I'm not going to put up any roadblocks for him. I am just not going to do a thing to make it easy on him. I have made it easy on him for years to the detrament of me and our kids. I have allowed him to abandon the kids and return countless times. He can now prove that he wants to be their father and do whatever it takes to be with them. Actions.
Is this my pain and anger speaking? To an extent, yes. At the same time, I have done it the other way for years and years and nothing has changed for me, him or the kids. I have to do it differently now. I have to protect myself and my kids. From him. I have had compassion, I have done what is "best for the kids"and allowed him to just be a dad despite his drug abuse, physical abuse (towards me) and all the rest that goes along with alcoholism. I have trusted him with our kids no matter what and he has abandoned them ( not just me) over and over again. In fact there were many, many times that he would continue to have contact with me and never even ask about the kids or express any desire to see them. I am in pain over this but the longer I have gone with no contact from him the easier it has been. I hate being a single parent. I really hate it. Like throwing a tantrum hate it. But the altenative is and has been worse. Maybe I will feel differently tomarrow....But this how I feel right now.
I feel for where you are at right now and remember how toxic it felt for me when I was going thru it on the other side. I will leave my story out of yours. Only from experience I would suggest face to face meetings. Find one to call your own (home meeting) and a sponsor of course with a Higher Power. If you already have those? good you're on your way to saving your mind, body, spirit and emotions. Start studing and memorizing and practicing the steps, traditions and slogans.
Being where you are at right now is not good for you and doesn't affect him at all.
Ya know that made me think. I do have a home group and get to at least 3 meetings a week and I do have a sponser. I have a very hard time not being a victim or a saint. I am usually one or the other and pretending that i am neither. So, I guess I am uncertain how to proceed without becoming the victim ( playing the role) or becomming the saint (letting him put me on that pedastal). So, I am doing it differently. Not sure, maybe this is making me the martryr? Another role I have played in the past and don't want to fall into. I don't know how to be human and deal with all of this....
I always say that I knew when my AHsober was going to be in his disease before he did. So you brace yourself for the worst and it usually is worse. You do what you can with what you have. And your children are young. I don't know how to not be a martyr or a victim. I do chose recovery and when I try to contact my HP then I know that I am doing what I should do. Hope this helps.
I love the honesty of your post. It's kind of like walking on Jello...really weird feeling. Yep, it is strange to do something different, play a healthier role but not really know what that is yet. You just have to take it one day at a time, not be too hard on yourself and keep moving forward.
You are now aware of somethings in how you act/react and roles you've been playing in relationships -- that's a good thing. If you aren't aware, how would you know there might be things that need changing? That awareness brings about acceptance that there really are changes we need to make within ourselves. It is a "process"....it can be crappy at times, but it really is worth it. Then there comes the action -- don't rush yourself on this part.
You'll find solid ground, just do your best not to work in extreemes. And if you have days/times that you do, that is okay, don't beat yourself up. You really are growing.
Keep putting your kids first, make it about them, not him, not you, but them. HP will give you guidance.
I know exactly what you mean about doing the work FOR him to be a father. I just sent a letter to my A a few days ago saying something along that line...the only time you're interested is when you don't have something else going on.
The kids and I are not the standby!!! WE are the main event and should be treated as such. That's my thinking now anyway. Like the saying goes, nothing changes if nothing changes AND from my perspective on my A (who I still question if he is yours too) is that #1 Why should I do the work for HIM to see his kids? #2 Is he really just using them as an excuse to rope me in #3 Why doesn't he bother to show up when it isn't convenient for him? Being a parent is not a when you feel like it job.
Sometimes you have to give him a small break and if he really wants to see his children you should not stand in his way. Go to a public place like McDonalds. Those children deserve their father no matter what. I know when your angry it's hard to let him see the children especially when he's let them down in the past. I hated letting my ah see the kids but I did it for my children, they had no idea daddy was sick at times...who was I to take their father away? What if the shoe were on the other foot and you were the one sick? Please just think about it. Some men can only father the way they know how. It may not be perfect, it may not be what you would do but it's their dad and children do not see much fault in their daddies. My mother did this to me with my dad and I resent her for it because she ripped me from spending time with my father and it was not HER right and because of that I started to have hateful feelings for my dad for not trying harder but I had more resentment after I grew up at my mother because she could have tried a bit harder to be nicer for my sake. My father finally gave up and quit seeing me all together. Guess how bad that hurts??? Find a way if he wants to see them to let him. I know this is a very touchy subject so I hope you think it through very carefully. Lots of love to you and your children.
What strength you have. I go through great grief over the A's behavior. I am convinced he had a major relapse with the homeless couple he brought it. They were doing drugs left and right. Needless to say they were all glad to have me out of the way to do all they wanted. Then he said last week he had a huge blow up with them. So he went from manic back to depressed. Generally he stays in this withdrawn mode for quite a while. This time I am not intervening. Indeed I am just getting on with my own life.
I think it takes immense courage to do what you are. I know reality is not something I want to deal with on any level.
