The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For a while now I have been struggling woth how to deal with the behaviors and attitudes of my addict husband. Let me begin at the beginning....
We have been married for 18 years, have two sons and he has been an addict all this time. Although I didn't know he did " crack cocaine" until we had been together 10 years. How naive of me, right? Well, anyway, this last time he abandoned my children and I for 3 months, got with another woman ( who was a user also ) and the downhill spiral began. I filed for divorce, he lost his business, the children wouldn't talk to him and now he is facing jail time ! On top of it all... the day we went to court and he found out what he was to have to pay me a month, the " other woman " left and went back to her husband. He decided to go into an in-patient program, I let him come back home and took him to the program to check in. We talked, he came here afterwards and now, it's like I can't seem to communicate with him. His resentment, anger, moodiness... all this is getting to me. The story goes on and on but I will end it there. I don't know wether to " scratch my watch or wind my butt !
When I first came to program, my butt was wound up tighter than any watch on earth. The chaos and destruction of addiction had made me insane -- I couldn't understand why my wife was so angry, depressed, anxious, etc. Furthermore, I became impatient, full of resentment, and depressed because it seemed as if I could not help it, control it, cure it, or even show her that she was doing it. What I found out from program was that I could detach from it. They are not my feelings and attitudes. I want to be happy, and I can be. I do not need to own her thoughts.
So I let it begin with me. I am responsible for my attitude. I am responsible for decisions I make to ensure I can be in a physically and emotionally safe environment. I separated from my wife because of denial for the addiction, and for denial of all the feelings that go along with it. I decided that I don't want to walk on eggshells in my home.
You are not alone. Keep coming back and posting -- it was a sanity saver for me. And if you don't agree with something on these boards, you can always "take what you like, and leave the rest."
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Not being able to communicate with the addict is not unusual. He is and addict and you are not (or you didn't say). He has been whacked by the chemicals and his mind, body, spirit and emotions are strewn all over the place. He doesn't know how to communicate with you or probably most other people. Don't take it personal. Don't expect him to be okay now. If he stays with some kind of recovery program it still will take him a long while before he may start to fit in with the non-using society or even addicts with some recovery time.
Soooooo you can come here and communicate with this family. Communication isn't only talking it is mostly also listening and taking suggestions. If he has to do the same thing in order to save and have his life...you do also.
Most of the happy joyous and free people on this site have put in the willingness, time and effort to gain and maintain our peace of mind and serenity. Some of us have done it even while the alcoholic was still drinking or the addict still using. (I am not one of those.)
Your recovery doesn't so much depend on him and whether or not he is "getting recovery." It depends upon you and whether or not you can keep coming back, letting us love you until you can love yourself, being honest and humble in listening and learning. If you can do that for 90 days including face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area, you will find much help. "f after 90 days you don't think that this is for you, we will gladly refund your miseries and you can go look for help in other places." That last little item was passed on to me over 28 years ago. I stayed, stuck, came back often, did over 100 meetings in 3 months and forgot over time that I had any miseries. My wife go into recovery when I stopped trying to teach her how to drink and helping her use.
That 90/90 was one suggestion. Suggestion two? get as much conference approved literature as you can and read it all as often as you can. Suggestion three? Look over the 12 steps and traditions and ask for help in learning to do them. There are thousands in this program who would not hesitate to help you cause there are thousands who already love you whether you like us or not. In time a special guide will be there to "sponsor" you. You will have to do the asking.
Take your over wound watch off. This program is worked one step at a time and that means sometimes it is a second at a time, minute at a time, hour at a time and always a day at a time. Find a chair, park your butt in it and sit down and listen. You have earned a place in this family. You will come to understand that it is the best family in the world.
Thank you Jerry for the words of wisdom. The facts of tonight are, he left to go to the Out-Patient Center he usually attends 2 nights a week. One of those nights is family night ( Wednesday ) and I attend with him. Todays events however include him NOT going there and telling me he did. I also found out that while I was at work he called his LOVER he left his children and I for for 4 months. At that time I had filed for divorce, went to the court appointment and he was ordered to pay me spousal support along with child support, That very night the OTHER WOMAN went back to her husband. The next night he wanted to see me to tak, so I met with him and we did just that, talked. The day after that he lost his business, He said he was going into an in-patient program and did, I took him there, 400 miles away from where we live. He callled me every night from there, I sent him whatever he needed, went to visit him every weekend and even went for the 3 day family counseling. I had no money for any of this, but I mamged to work it out so that I could be there for him. He came home I went to NA's meetings with him, found an Al-Anon meeting to go to, went to the wednesday meetings at the out-patient center for the family to attend... and what did I get in return? A slap in the face with todays events. I am bitter , resentful and mad that he would call that woman. He told me that he still had FEELINGS for her and if I could let it go then maybe he could as well. To me there is no comparison. A wife of 18 years who has stayed no matter what he did or how he treated me, verses a woman he knew for 4 months who shared his addiction and left him at the first sign of trouble, yet she occupies his mind and I am nobody??? That's what hurts the most. I am a baby in this Al-Anon, so I haven't mastered the tools to apply. I am hoping and praying that I can soon, because i am on the edge. Thank you .
I'm hearing a lot about him in this post; what he is doing, what he thinks, but very little about you, except that you are angry and hurt.
One thing that I found hard to realize was that it really wasn't "The Alcoholic Show" with me as his faithful sidekick. For most of my marriage, he ran around causing confusion and chaos, and I followed along, cleaning up the messes, doing the emotional work, and feeling resentful. This is not what God gave me life for.
You have choices here. If his behaviour is unacceptable, stop accepting it. You can continue to love him, accept the reality of his suffering and struggle, and still not allow him to walk all over you.
The idea of stating your boundaries clearly, and enforcing them, may be foreign to you. You may not even really know what your boundaries are, or should be. That is reasonable, and common - living with the lies and denial and just sheer nonsense of an alcoholic makes many of us lose contact with reality. That is what this program can help you with.
Get to meetings, don't allow any excuses to stop you. Read our literature. Come here, read old posts, particiapate in online meetings, this board, and chat. Take the focus off of him, and put it where it belongs, on yourself. I guarantee, after a few months you will find there are some changes in your life, and you will have a bit more clarity about what you want and need, and how to get it.
I'm hearing a lot about him in this post; what he is doing, what he thinks, but very little about you, except that you are angry and hurt
And I was like "How dare she"...lol But yep It's Is spot on.......
Everything In these replies have hit on me Big Time....Wow I have been comming to these boards for Yonks...And WoW::: This Is what I needed to see Today...
(((((((((((((((((Jacky))))))))))))))))
They are dead right..My wisdom to you would be to read, and re-read these replies....
In my experience, no relationships ever survive the three-way triangle. It's will completely destroy your self esteem. Boundaries will help protect you. He's got a decision to make, it's either you or her. Instead of you fighting for his life (his woes), fight for your own, hon. You are so worth it and don't need to be second guessing what you did wrong, who's he with. As crazy as this sounds, his relationship with this other has absolutely nothing to do with you. As usual, they make it all about them. If he's not willing to make the break, it's something you will have to decide to do.
Get to a face to face meeting. Read any alanon information on detachment and keep coming, you are worth it.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
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