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This could get confusing but I am sick with anger and have to get it off my chest. My AH and I own a small business publishing a regional interest magazine. The deal was that I would do all of the editorial work (writing, graphic design, etc), and office/accounting work, take care of the house, and be a stay at home. He was to sell advertising. Well, for the last 3 years he has been drunk most of the time and the business is losing money. He wants me to help him sell ads (our daughter is in 1st grade now so I am free until 3 pm from Sept through May). I feel extremely resentful that I should have to add to my responsibilities. He will go for weeks without lifting a finger to contact a soul, then freak out the last couple of weeks because he hasn't done anything. Even though I could help him, I don't feel I should have to. If he worked a normal 40 hour week, we would be fine, but even on the "freak out" weeks he probably only works 30 hours. We have had to liquidate our savings and run up our credit card bills to cover the gap. I wake up every single night in a panic about our finances. He snores like a baby. In addition to all this he spends as if we are rolling in the dough. He spent $250 between 5/1-5/8 on wine and gas! I drew the line and he opened his own checking account with the deal that he would get an allowance of $50 a week for gas (and whatever else). That checking account was opened a week ago tomorrow and he has already taken $145! I tried once to have him pay all the bills and balance the checking account so he could get a sense of reality, but he messed it up so badly that it took weeks and many $$ in fees to fix. I am at my wits end! I know logically I should do something to ensure our financial health, but I feel like that is enabling him to continue living in his fantasy world. When he opened the new checking account he made sure to tell me that he is the one who earns the money. I can't get a full time job because of my daughter. I have to overcome this and I don't know how. Sorry this is long but I am freaking out...ESH PLEASE!!!!????
Managing money with anyone active in addiction is a "challenge" to be polite, a real b@#!* to be blunt.
My parents owned their own business growing up and I used to do the books for them while I was in college. Dad was paid by the hour. Sure it was both thier money, but for tax purposes and keeping the business straight they did it that way.
Owning your own business is difficult, especially if it is small. The line between business and personal interests get so blurry if you let them.
I can't tell you what would be best, but just thought I would throw that out.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hmm. That is a tough one. I guess if I were in your position, I would have to really examine how badly I wanted the business to succeed. I would look at ALL of the options. Help sell ads so the business will be successful, hire someone to help out part time on commission, fold the business and take my experience, knowledge and hard work somewhere else & draw a paycheck instead of a headache, sit and do nothing until my hand is forced into business & personal bankruptcy. The only thing I do know is that if it were me w/my husband, there is no way I could MAKE my AH do anything he didn't want to do. So therefore I would completely count him out as a solution. I would do what I had to do to ensure my kids and my survival. But that is just me.
I do know that my AH has talked about going into business together and I flat out refuse. I know my AH. He is an extremely hard worker but there are times that he gets depressed and is totally unmotivated to do anything. Therefore, if he was his own boss, I could totally see him skipping out of work on a regular basis b/c he doesn't feel like doing anything. Just entirely too easy when you are self employed.
Good luck w/the tough decision making. Keep us posted. Sincerely, QOD
Ok I'm going to give you my opinion..........You do what you have to do to make sure YOU and your child have a place to live so if you have to get out there and work then do it. I know it sucks to have to. When my ahsober quit working I had to be a single mother with 3 children ages 6,5,5 and work. My best plan for you is this.........1) Make a plan. 2) Start putting away money to put down on another place for you and your child because you can NOT bring up a child around an alcoholic. 3)Start doing research about selling your business or progressing it without the help of your AH. The hard part is you are enabling your ah by doing his responsibilities however your not in a situation with the child to say "forget it all" so you HAVE to work. Things did not get better for me until I made a plan to where I could financially support all three of my children alone. I had a job, I had daycare for them, I even had to get on foodstamps at one point. AHsober soon realized that I did not need him and I would not go down with the sinking ship. My A got sober (so far so good) but he knows with out a doubt that I can make it alone. It is hard as heck and you will be one tired mamma but you can do it. I did it with three, one would be alot easier. Sometimes you have to let go of the idea of a family for your child. You might mourn the loss of a father for your child. I had to and I cried alot but it made me stronger. Don't say what you can't do, say what you can. There is help out there if you go it alone. Good luck.
That is a tight situation!! I remember watching all we had go down the drain and learning about being powerless to stop it at the same time. Dang that was scarey. Still trying to plug the holes mean't trying to plug the holes all by myself and the alcoholic was pulling the plugs out as fast as I could plug them. Seems you are saying something of the same thing?
A short synopsis of the first three steps is 1. I can't. 2. God can. 3. I'll let Him. Sounds abit trite but I had to start somewhere because things had to change. I thought of working harder. I thought of getting a new job (did several times) that paid more money. I thought of more gas efficient cars and rent lower than house ownership. I thought of lots of stuff until I surrendered to the fact that life within the disease mean't loss. Life within the disease does not mean health and happiness anywhere.
I feared economic insecurity also. I went thru the panic and all the other stuff you are probably experiencing. What I found out in the program was that unless I found spiritual recovery first...I would not ever find financial security. I had to stop trying to fix the financial chaos and focus on my relationship with a Higher Power. We went thru two houses, jobs and 30k in just over 3 years and much of it was my problem for trying to enable the alcoholic I allowed into my life. It takes big money to rescue a sick person who doesn't want to get well.
After the houses and then a small appartment I graduated from living alone to living in a garage and then moving up to a converted whore house and drug den which I focused my recovery in to the point it was very cute including my own squirrels, flowers and good neighors. From there I came home continued to focus on my spiritual health and today have more in the way of finances than I could really need. We give away alot.
Fear is the opposite or absence of Faith.
I called my creditors and asked them for help and patience. I got rid of the credit cards and one of them, that I was living on was shut off...scarey. And it is all in the past.
Friendofyours shared some courageous experience and change. Would that help you? I have shared hope and faith; can that help you? Others have share their support. That always helps.
Just some wisdom from a long-ago sponsor. If the weight is too heavy let it go. The only thing you can hope to get by holding on to it and trying to lift it...is a hernia.
Thank you all so much. It is true...I cannot count on him to support me and my child. I have to let go the dream of working part time and being a stay at home mom. Our ship is sinking and major change needs to occur. We talk and talk about what that change might be, but nothing happens. I need to take charge of the business as a whole while I find another job. My AH is living in a world all his own and there is nothing I can do to bring him back to reality. It is a sad truth, but I guess I knew it all along and was looking for some magic solution. I have to give the burden to God and take care of myself and my darling child. Thanks
