The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am stuggling on how to handle something and could use a little input from anyone who feels they could help.
Here is my dilemma: My step daughter has asked to take my 14 year old to a rock concert.
The reason I have reservation about this is because I am angry with my step daughter right now. My AH (her father) told me the other night that he paid our cell phone company to mail him my cell phone records. They did, even though the account is under my name. He then had my step daughter run a search on every call that I had made. This is not the first time that she has done his 'dirty work' by going into my personal business. A couple other things that she has been involved in with him that I know about are; coming into my home when I am not here and going into my emails, and having her boyfriend follow me on more than one occasion. She does not know that I know she was involved in aiding him with these things.
I am worried that having my 14 year old around someone who has such a negative attitude about her mom would be a bad decision on my part. I mean, if it was anyone else asking to take her to a concert who had treated me that way and I would say NO WAY without a problem!
I guess I just am unsure on how to handle it. Do I just tell her 'No, she will not be able to go.' and offer her no explaination? Do I tell her that she has hurt me be by stabbing me in the back (she is nice as pie to my face) and I am not comfortable with entrusting my daughter to her? Do I lie and make up a story why my daughter will not be able to go, just to prevent 'waves'? Yes, there will be waves if I speak up about how I feel.
I have heard in meetings that No is a complete sentence. And when it comes to my kids and their well being that is all I feel I need to say. These are kids you are speaking of and I know the things I did when I was 15 I would never even think of doing now. I look back and see how much pain and anger I caused just by being a teenager. Personally, I would not let my daughter go for many reasons. And it sounds like you are not comfortable with letting your daughter go. So, you have to willing to live with the consequences of your decision. Much luck...
Here's a way to look at it. She is his daughter, he obviously has an obsession and lack of trust, or he wouldn't act like this... She is doing for him....
Thats YOUR issues......Does she love your kid, is she good with them..In taking all these issues on board. You might be taking things away from your child.
And I'm sure she doesn't act like this infront of your 14 year old..
So on that note, If you trust her with your child, and they get on well together...Think about it.."How Important is it"...
I agree with you in many respects...But does your child need to lose out on something that is not their issues....
Also I'm not a mom, but I believe in a moms intuition....
I agree "No is a complete sentence. My thoughts are that if my daughter had a friend that was conniving, decietful and done the things the stepdaughter has..would I allow her to go with her? That'd be a huge "oh, hell no" for me.
I wouldn't care if there were waves or not!!. The stepdaughter has crossed BIG boundaries, as has your husband. It may be a good thing to clearly define them to her. Not addressing what has happened will always leave you with the "what next?" feeling and her thinking these things are OK to do. The way it sounds there will be a next since she does what he asks.
I hope you called your cell phone company and ripped them. I'd be madder then a wet hen and then some!! Geez! What if their actions produced a murder or beating? I'm not saying your husband would, but they don't know that. I'd suggest changing your e-mail password too.
This email struck a nerve in me somewhere. These things have never happened to me but Lord help the people that would ever attempt it!!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I love this board. I have to laugh sometimes when I hear such sweet replies. I was only half way through and I was like HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NOOOOOOOOooooooo... lol The bottom line (in my opinion) is YOU are that 14 yr olds mother and no way would I let an influence like that take her to such a risky place. I grew up with rock concerts and am still around them and it is NO PLACE for a 14 yr old without a parent. I don't care if it's a Christian Rock concert. Good luck. I wouldn't trust that step daughter either.
I remember when I used to be afraid to make waves, now I like the motion of the ocean!!! LOL I wouldn't let mine do anything I wasn't comfortable with! I would definitely confront the step daughter too and lay it all out in a way that she can understand that what she has done and probably will do again if you don't say something is COMPLETELY unacceptable!!! I say no about a thousand times a day and sure I'm evil and mean and not like anyone else's parent but my kids are smart, respectful (for the most part), drug/alcohol free, virgins, ETC!!!!
For me if this sentence "I am not comfortable with entrusting my daughter to her" comes into play with anyone that has asked to do something with my children without me there, the answer is always "NO." If they ask me why I say what my mother used to tell me when she said no, "because I said no."
Trust your instints with this and you will make the decision that is right for you and your 14 year old.
That is child abuse using his daughter like that. Sure is not teaching her anything good is he? He is teaching her there are no boundaries.
Absolutely NOT. NO. Too bad if it makes waves, this is your child. Our job is to protect our kids. We do not have to explain our decisions to children. Parents are to be respected.
I would never allow anyone to disrespect me, then turn around and want to take my child. I would not even let them take my dog or a chicken.
This poor step kid is going to be so messed up. Did you call your company? I would be making waves.
Invasion of privacy is illegal. She probably shop lifts and who knows what else. I am glad you wrote. I am sorry if I am too tough, but I know kids need boundaries and parents who they KNOW have their back, even if they complain about it. They need to know if things ever get scarey they can trust their parents to be strong.
Always, always trust your intuition. Hey I may be unpopular to some, but when it comes to kids, animals and anyone abusing anyone, my hair stands on end and I do not shut up. lol
You always knew the answer. I completely agree with you.
Even says in the Bible, "one who is unjust in the least, is also unjust in the most."
If a person steals a pen on purpose, they will cheat on taxes, steal etc.
Stepdaughter is not a person you want your young girl to associate with; and with good reason! The answer is, NO!" End of discussion. And why not? My mom used to say to me, "Because I said so." This phrase has come on bad times, as every parent now thinks they owe their child an explanation. They don't. Parents are there to parent, not to humble themselves before a teenager who hasn't the life experience to know that is best.
Christy and Friend of Yours have said it all.
Have a good day today,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I want to thank everyone who has responded. You have all confirmed that my uneasiness to not allow my 14 year old to go to the concert with my stepdaughter was just. I am going to talk to my stepdaughter this weekend about how I feel about her prying into my personal business. I am going to let her know that it is unacceptable behavior and I will not turn my head the other way if it happens again. I have to say that I feel such a sense of relief right now. I have been wanting to have this conversation with her for soooo long, but I just didn't know how to do it or what to say. I now feel calm, and prepared to handle it in a mature manner.
I will post again on Monday and let you all know how it went.
