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I could really use some ES&H on family cut-offs and silent treatments.
My parents had a messy divorce and when my Afather began threatening her, my mother cut all contact with him. As a result, my siblings and I didn't have contact with him either. Then, seven years ago my brother searched for and found my father, and I got back in touch with him as well. Over the course of the seven years, we s-l-o-w-l-y began to rebuild our relationship. I was pleased with the rebuilding and proud of us for working on our relationship. In fact, I thought that we had a fairly good relationship and I thought he thought so too--he often told me how he loved me, was proud of me, etc.
Then, six months ago, after I said something that was simply true, but that my Afather apparently did not like, he left me a voicemail message telling me that he had decided to sever all contact with me. He seems to be serious about this. He has not called since. Needless to say, I was baffled by his extreme response. I was confused why he didn't try to resolve this issue in an amicable manner. I was devastated. This cut-off came out of the blue--we haven't had a turbulent relationship over the seven years or had constant issues. I live far away from him, so I don't know if he's drinking again or not.
I haven't responded to his voicemail partially because the severity of his response to the initial issue I raised really frightened me. It brought up all my old fears from the divorce and the threatening person he was then, so I have written him a letter but not sent it. At the same time, it seems insane to never speak again. I guess, in every direction I look, I feel fear. Fear that if I try to address this issue with him, I will simply make the situation worse. Fear if I don't address it with him, this issue will simply linger unresolved for years.
I have spoken to my sponsor who has urged me to see him as unstable and to see this cut-off as a gift, but I am having a hard time feeling completely at peace with just letting the issue/relationship go.
Any ES&H? Any program tools I can apply to this situation?
I'm going to play devil's advocate a bit. You said that what you said was "simply true". It made me wonder if it was your truth, someone else's truth (your Mother's) or his truth. People can have many different perspectives of the same situation.
What were your intentions as far as bringing this truth up? Was it something you feel he should be ashamed of or you felt he should apologies for? Obviously he has emotions connected to it, an invitation to allow him to be heard may be an alternative too. Like "Dad, I have really hit a nerve and want to talk to you about it and hear your feelings so I understand"....
I can't say I agree with your sponsor, but then I don't know the complete situation. It doesn't sound like he was abusive in the recent relationship or always upset you. It seems like you care for your Dad and just "considering it a gift to cut ties" may not be the answer. It's not like he's a fly by night friend that doesn't matter. BTW, it's OK to disagree with a sponsor if it doesn't feel right to you. You are what matters. If it were me I'd give him a chance to be heard so I could understand what happened. If there is still no contact then I would know I tried. After that I am powerless.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
This is my e,s, & h - please, please know that I am in no way telling you this is what you have to do - I am just sharing what is working for me Today.
I have a relationship with my Dad that is priceless. Now, this seems very normal right. As a child and a teenager, I was very much affected by my Dad's drinking and his behaviors. I could get into some of the really tough stuff, but I have worked the Steps on that & try not to relive it very often.
My Dad has never really "apologized" for his behaviors, we have never really talked about them. He knows I go to Al-Anon, speak at meetings, etc. and he thinks that is great. The closest he has ever said about it was that he wishes that there had been "more information and acceptance of this kind of stuff when your Mom and I were trying to raise you three kids". That's a lot for my Dad.
So, I made the choice to let the other stuff go. I don't talk about with him or my Mom, don't bring it up around him, no sarcastic comments (very difficult for me) no sideways humor. I simply know that They were doing the best they could with what that had at the time. Today, with the help of recovery, I can accept that and enjoy the relationship with my parents. Now, that doesn't mean that you have to do these things - It is just what worked for me.
I, like Christy, can't say that would totally agree with your sponsor according to the info at hand. If you don't have a peace about it, then it may be your HP guiding you. Pray about it, meditate, seek direction.
I, personally would want to make sure I had done everything to keep "my side of the street clean" so to speak. Maybe along the lines of "although it wasn't intentional, it appears that this subject upset you. I would like to continue are father/daughter friendship and am willing to respect you by not discussing this subject around you. Please contact me if you are open to this suggestion. If not, then I will respect your choice and not contact you again."
Most of all wishing you to have a peace in your heart about your decision,
Let it Begin with Me, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
One of the things that I know about volitle relationships is that, when it comes to safety, and cutting them off, and things like that, there is no decision that is just "done with out consequence." To me, it seems like your mom made a decision that was made with the safety of everyone involved but also with the idea of penalizing Dad. I think there's alot that goes on in a marriage that kids never see or talk about with their parents, and some of that's for the better. From being in her postion, I know that I have, more than once, wanted nothing more to avenge my parents by going MIA and never speaking to them again. I also know it took alot of courage, maturity and prospective from your brother to see past the family dysfunction to try and rebuild the bonds that were lost, and re establish the connections that were gone. I think your brother, if his action to persue the search says anything about him, was able to see the true nature of the family dysfunction as it was. I think that with whatever got said a few things happened. First, your father may not have had the maturity to see and fully account for his responsibility to his family and the chain of events that led to his then wife to pack up his kids and call it quits. My mother behaves in manners that act as if the past "Wasnt that bad" or certain events "didn't happen THAT way;" my father doesn't speak of the past at all or jades the situation so that its your fault. These types of behaviors speak of a persons character that speaks, deep down, of shame. Shame, at this level, speaks of a person who really can't form relationships with people who are meaningful, who are honest, who want to be together. People that want to be with others, even with a painful past, will screw up their courage and swallow their fear, realizing that their behavior is their own and no body else's. That means, at least for your father, that when the topic of the past comes up, and it's gonna come up, he needs to stand and take it. The phrases "be a man," "take it on the chin," come to mind. They all imply don't run. The other thing that occurs to me is that you may be facing what I have been working through lately. I title these posts "the denial cloud has lifted" because what I am facing is the very extremely painful reality that my parents are not ideal parents. My parents are alcholics and drug addicts who are extremely abusive and hurtful people. It also means that my family, at least my nuclear family, cannot fufill my emotional needs. That's why I depend on al anon so much, and that's why it hurts so much to recieve public tounge lashings. I depend on people here to be my family,to guide me, to encourage me, to tell me things with love. I think lastly I want to thank you for trusting us with your feelings.this is a very sensitive subject.
Remember anger is an expression of hurt, a reaction. Anyone who is angry is hurt by something. I agree with the other posts that you should contact your dad to express your concern that you must have said something that hurt him. You might want to tell him how much your recent relationship means to you & how much you would miss not having him in your life, and that you hope it could continue. Maybe he just needs some time to pass & will get over it but at least you left the door open & that's all you can really do. Peace to you. Hope
I'm sorry for your pain as I'm dealing with a cut-off, too.
It's really hard when the person who cuts off doesn't tell you why.
What I've learned is that my truth might not be their truth. Divorce causes strong feelings that don't go away easily. I've been divorced for a long time from my children's father and I know that my children's truth differs from mine. So I don't tell them my truth because it wouldn't be productive to the relationship. I really don't want to hear their truth.
If you can call him and diplomatically ask him how you hurt him, and accept his answer, that might work for you. If you get hurt in the process, then maybe you need to make a decision.
Take what you like and leave the rest. Hugs, Carol
I know with my divorce my Dad was livid and accused me of being the one with the problem, he loved my AH. But the only ones that knew what was going on in the house, were the people that lived there! Just because he never saw it, it wasn't true. My boys tried to explain to him and he still didn't want to believe it, it took time for him to realize that he couldn't change it from happening and then he still didn't speak to me for a year. We will never have the same relationship again. He wanted to take sides before he knew and believed the facts. Hope this helps.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
