The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes the anger within me is too much for me to bare alone. I get angry at the fact my husband became an A, left and is drinking his life away with another A. I get angry when I think of what "could have been", the promises and the dreams we talked about, and he just continued to drink. When I get to the point where I feel helpless and angry, I know I must go to a meeting, or call an alanon friend where I can release this pent up anger, and get validation from people who understand. Not to be judged or critisized for what I am saying, but to have a lending ear for what I have to say. I can also journal my thoughts onto paper, and write as nasty as a letter I can to release such bitterness and anger. Ripping the paper up or filing it away gives me great relief of removing the negative thoughts from my mind. It feels good to let it out instead of letting it fester within me like a time bomb ready to explode. I can also go out in my garden rip weeds, or go for a walk, or window shop. Lets hear how you deal with anger within your soul...................gardengal
Yesterday I was furious with a higher-up at my place of employment who actually started yelling at me rather than listen to my concerns about a proposed course of action. I said, sorry, I need to go take a walk, and hung up - since this was in place of starting to yell back, I see this as medium positive. I walked as fast as I could until the most intense swirling "stuff" dissipated, then plopped down on the grass. I made a point of asking myself what my feelings were, and naming them out loud. They included anger, hurt, resentment, and feeling unheard and marginalized - my concerns were treated as completely not even worth listening to. I tried to call my sponsor, who wasn't home. I went to an f2f on a night when I usually don't. Even though the topic was different, it helped enormously to be in a place where I was heard. I called & reached my sponsor after the meeting. I went to bed early.
It didn't exactly get rid of the anger, but it helped to define its limits, and I think that made it smaller. I have a better idea of what part of it is reacting to unacceptable behaviour, and what part is reacting to things not going my way.
Another thing I have sometimes done, although I usually think of it when I can't tell what I'm angry or anxious about, is to re-read a gratitude list from a better time. This helps calm me down, and gets me out of my swirling head, and sometimes even gets me to smile.
I spent a short stint in the situation you describe, and without a program at the time, I was devistated and humiliated. Although seperated now, she has not turned to another... just has decided to torture me. LOL
Working outdoors in the yard is a great way to get close to your HP and get out of your own head for awhile. Your garden is probably beautiful.
I still have young children and doing things with them is a great release and distraction. The added bonus is I don't miss watching them grow up and really being a participant in their life instead of ignoring them to dwell on my own situation.
This is a great post, thank you for being here!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I have to be so careful with anger. What can I say but it can really destroy my day. In my particular situation, living with my A who is not seeking help anymore, it's a moment by moment fight sometimes. I recognize my anger is understandable, but not at the expense of my well being. I pray and turn over the angry feelings, I get busy, when I hear the "angry voice" in my head I turn off the volume, sometimes over and over again. It really helps to read literature or read on this forum, takes the wind out of it.
Yesterday A went to the post office to pick up my egg cartons I ordered. Five hours later he called me from Lewiston, 77 miles away, to ask me to pick him up. A "friend" borrowed his motorcycle to go to the store and never returned. Three weeks ago he spent 72 hours in jail for possession of a controlled substance. There's plenty to get angry about here! And I am angry, BUT: I turn it over and over and over to HP, turn away from the siren call of indulging those angry thoughts . . . FOR ME. I can't go there without suffering, and since this program is about me, I take care of me by acknowleging the anger and ending my involvement there.
Of course I refused to pick him up. He's in Drug Central, he can't call the police about his motorcycle. He's in a nice pickle he did to himself. Indulging in anger at him is a waste of my time, this is what alcoholics/addicts do to themselves. The best thing I can do is stay out of it and stay in close touch with my HP. And stay busy, which is always necessary around here :D .
I remember reading about an alanon who used to go out and dig in the garden when she was angry - used to pretend she was digging his grave. Gotta say, I've been there.....
I so wish I knew the answer to that one. I have lots of Al-Anon books I read... Courage to Change, One Day At a Time in Al-Anon. They help defuse the anger in me it seems. But, a new day resurfacea old resentments that I can't seems to get past ! So, I am in the same delima you are. Praying helps. I guess if I had to give any advice, I would say , look to your Higher Power for the answers. I'll pray for you as well.
I believe anger is a natural and necessary part of recovery. It is an emotion we should not try to conceal or deny. I sometimes feel anger...I would call my feelings more resentment than anger frankly...and I flow with it and it subsides.
I have been accused by a couple of members here on MIP of being angry. Well, so what? One even tried to analyze me!! Yes, I do get angry from time to time, especially when I see someone wasting their life and the lives of their children because, "I love him." I become very angry at drunk driving. So what's that? Taking another's inventory? Maybe. I don't care. The point is, one can visit anger from time to time while also maintaining a happy, productive life.
There are positive way of channeling the anger you feel. Put it to good use. Tackle a project, clean the house, exercise. When the anger eases, voila! You have accomplished something.
I suppose, dear one, we all have our ways of dealing with anger. And we are all on the right track as long as we admit it, see it through, and learn something from it.
I wish you a happy, happy day.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I think posting such questions, are good especially for new comers and us "oldsters" alike. By sharing our ESH with others , we learn that it is OK to have angry feelings, but mainly how we can work through them in a healthy manner. So thank you to all who responded to this question.
