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I have been struggling with myself being angry at my husband. He hasn't done anything recently but I think I am bitter for all the past. He has said sorry in the heat of the moment but I didn't believe him. Now he is clean and going to meetings I think I need to hear him say he is sorry again. I feel that sounds dumb but I have so much bottled up inside of me. I am not sure how to release it without starting an arguement. I want to tell him everything that I am angry, hurt, or sad about and hear him say he is sorry. Is this ok for me to ask of him or not??? I get hung up on how selfish he is. For example, for Mother's Day he couldn't even give me a card. I was very hurt by it and it happens all the time. He thinks only of himself. Sometimes I don't let it bother me but then the times I do it hangs on for it seems ever. If anyone has suggestions for me I am all ears!!
I think when my husband got sober what I really wanted was for him to acknowledge the pain I had been through, not so much a sorry. What I came to know is that he can't possibly understand. He was in denial of all of it for so long, it took a long time for him to actually consider what it must have been like for us.
Initially his mind was pretty messed up. It took almost a year for him to start really thinking about how his actions had affected our family. He had to get to that place on his own.
I also learned that holding on to the past wasn't something I wanted to hang on to for the very reasons you mentioned. He can never say the right words to make it all go away. The bottom line for me was that those feelings are mine to deal with, no one elses. I chose to take them on and I chose to let them go and move forward.
Spritually I have come to a place that allows me be grateful he is sober and not look back. I choose to not give one more moment of heartache to the disease.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can completely relate to your post. I have felt and at times still feel that bitterness. Waiting for amends that may never come. What was suggested to me, was to turn to people in recovery, a sponsor, someone off the phone list from my face to face meeting, coming here and posting instead of going to my qualifier. You are already doing that, so give yourself credit for working the program!
Hi and welcome , I totally agree with Christy there is no way he is ever going to understand the hurt , resentment and fear yo are experiencing , some times the only thing a partner can do is to just stay sober and change his actions . If your not attending meetings for yourself now I hope that u will do so , You need to get rid of the anger in a safe and trusting place with out hurting yourself or your husband , meetings and a sponsor will do that for you . He is never going to understand any more than u are going to understand his dilema as an Alcoholic . If we havent experiienced it we just don't get it . good luck Louise
Our first year in recovery has been very hard, I thought we, myself and children would get that heart felt sorry, I had been hoping for, but also I thought with all the sadness of the past a new beginning would be ours for the taking, I think I have hindered our recovery process really by trying to make unrealistic demands from a person that for the first time is facing life on lifes terms without any type of self medication, whilst I have been trying to force my solutions I destracted my A husband from, taking responsibility for himself, I'm only just learning to leave him be, and although he finds it very hard to talk to me about anything he sent me this birthday card on Saturday which read. I may not tell you every day of the love I have for you Or say how much you mean to me each day, the whole year through But darling you must know that you give meaning to my life, No husband anywhere could have a dearer, more loving Wife. I know he loves me, and alway's has, I just struggled with the way's he has, and hasn't shown it sometimes. It was my birthday on Saturday I had a couple of glasses of wine, I don't drink often and it went to my head, I think I got my talking head on and my husband said to me quite nastily, " I'm going to bed now, I can't stand being around drunk's", yep it hurt, but I left it be, and Sunday evening he said "sorry", It's ever so hard but it's better than it was, we're getting there slowly. Take care Katy x
When I have experienced these feelings & when they come back around - I try to take time to read Chapter 11 out of the book "How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics"
This Chapter is on Detachment, Love & Forgiveness. It is a wonderful chapter that gave me tons of tools to do these three things for myself. It was and is very healing for me.
In learning to detach from the A's, to love in a healthy way and to forgive myself for ever becoming involved with an A, I have been able to let go of some of the anger, hate and resentments regardless of what path the A's in my life continue to choose.
Just sharing my e,s, & h, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Boy, can I relate to your post! I, too, have been angry at the As in my life and waiting for an apology.
My experience is that even when I have explained at length why XYZ in the past was hurtful, saddening, made me angry, etc. I rarely if ever got a response to my pain that satisfies me. I've had to realize that for me it is not words that I am really looking for it is actions--comforting, acknowledgement, and amends.
I've also had to realize that the person that I am angriest with is myself for putting up with all of this A-related stuff. At the time, I didn't have clear boundaries and so I went along with alot of stuff that made me uncomfortable or jeopardized my well-being in some way. Now, I am SO mad at myself that I did that. And, I am even angrier that I have put myself in the position of waiting and waiting and waiting for things to get better, for the As in my life to get it, etc.
For me, I've come to see that the first person I owe amends to is myself--I deserve to give myself the care, love, and acknowledgement to myself that I've been wanting from the As in my life. Inspired by your post and my own reply, I am realizing that my next step is for me to make a list of all the things that I want from the As in my life and start giving those things to myself.
Your feelings are TOTALLY valid. I've found talking to good friends, going to Al-Anon meetings, and being kind to myself has been a powerful healer for me.
Thank you for the responding. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I can't seem to let things go and be happy. This last weekend I didn't talk to my husband and I don't know why. I just don't know how to let it go. I want to be happy with him because I do love him so much. I think like you said I want to be comforted and loved and he doesn't know how at this point in his life.
It is hard for me to deal with leaving him home alone because he would rather isolate and sit on the coudh and then have me go do what I want to make me happy. It is difficult to be married and also be apart to make me happy. Do you knwo what I mean? I don't know if I even know. All I know is I need to deal with this soon.
I understand the dilemma of "not being able to let go and be happy". . . from such a long time of being in an unhappy state, it's scary to let go of being unhappy . . . I mean, what if he starts drinking again, all the happiness will be for nought, or, that my 'happiness' will give him the wrong message, that everything's OK when it's NOT! And so on.
Unhappiness for me is like a stinky old blanket, it's sort of warm and it hides me, it stinks but what's out there will probably be worse :D . I am still uncovering so many negative feelings that I didn't even know were negative, I thought they were just reality. I'm beginning to see a truer reality where yes my alcoholic is still doing his 'thing' be it using, acting like a fool, whatever, but it's a gorgeous day, I'm reading a great book, my garden is going in and looks healthy, etc etc.
Not to say that it is always easy to compartmentalize the alcoholic crap so you can just get on with your life, but it is possible, I do it sometimes better than others but it's real because I've experienced it. And others with years of Alanon work under their belt swear by it! I can hear the truth in their words, even the written ones.
Another poster on this board said something about 'letting happiness find YOU', as opposed to seeking it. It's one of those things you can't go out and grab. It comes back to me every time, no matter what kind of a horrible day I'm having. So I go through the motions and don't hang on to it.
I just remember my HP wants me to be at peace, loved, loving, and fulfilled. No matter what is happening around me, or who is doing what, that's what HP wants for me. This has become a kind of faith that gets me through the really tough days.
It is hard to let of the bitterness. When i lost my 2 nephews/sons last year at 18 and 22. I have some bitterness toward them when I see my brothers hurt. However, I am gratful for the lives and the joy and fun we had together.
