The material presented
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to exchange
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As soon as I wake up, he is on my mind. My ex and who he is with. The adrenline rushes and I am AWAKE! How can I stop this being the very first thing that pops into my mind? It fades over the day as I get a grip and am able to work this program, use the suggestions and slogans. I feel like I have no control over my mind as I am comming out of sleep. It has been like this for awhile and I am really sick of waking up feeling like this and having to work so hard at changing my day. By the time I go to bed he really doesn't matter. But as soon as I wake up there he is, ruling my feelings. I wake up in a bad mood, ready to cry. It is exhausting and I feel like a victim to my mind. I just want to wake up with something good in my mind or at least something non threatening to my serenity. Anyone ever go thru this? Is there an end to it? Is there anything I can do to speed up the process?
I am struggling with this also, trying to live in my own head and not his, I am still living with my A, and he is a year sober the first time in 27+ years, that I have known him. I try to keep busy busy busy, he still keeps managing to creep in to my thoughts though, but I had a few moments lately where he hasn't, just like you say, maybe later on in the day, so it just goes to show we can do it, we just need to learn to do it more, I guess we got so used to this happening to us we need to unlearn it really. Take care
What I am trying to do is fill that time with something else. ASAP, I clear my mind and read some literature. Here, or one of the daily readers... something to take its place.
My mind never stops spinning about something, my goal is to guide it on what to spin about.
It is getting easier with time but I am far from the other side.
Hang in there ... It took a long time for us to get this fouled up, it will take some time to allow our HP to guide us back to sanity.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Maybe just accept that this is going to happen, and don't give it too much importance. You can't really control the random thoughts that come into your head, but you can control your actions. That is - these thoughts may flood into your mind, but do you then lay in bed, obsessing and crying, or do you jump into the shower and get on with your day?
Another thing that I sometimes do - don't know how healthy it is, but it works for me, is to sometimes give in to it. Find a time and place where it is OK to let down the guard for a bit, and allow myself a set time (15 mintues or so ) to just wallow in self pity, unhappiness, etc. Then, wash my face and move on.
There is nothing you can do to speed up this grieving process Serendipity. TIme is the great healer, so stay the course, and these terrible feelings WILL begin to lessen. Hang in there. You'll be ok. Happiness is out there just waiting for you to grab onto it.
With caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
One thing that has worked for me in order to keep my day on track and the thoughts on track is to set an intention the night before of how I want to feel/be the next day. I set the intention as I am going to bed to be what I TRULY want to feel--for example, I want to feel at peace. Then, even if the thoughts come in, I immediately refocus to my intention: PEACE. I also try to do something extremely nurturing to foster the intention--in this case I would do a morning activity/ritual to foster PEACE. And all day I would refocus back on my intention whenever I felt myself slipping. It has worked miracles for me to have this kind of focus.
My feeling is that time heals all wounds. I know it is so cliche, but I really think this is true. In a year from now (who knows, maybe even a month or two or six) you will look back on this time and want to kick yourself for all your wasted tears. I too have gone through bad break-ups in the past, and can remember being so pissed off because the ex seemed to have such an easy time moving on, yet there I was, crying at the thought of him with someone else. It was absolutely the worst. But as time went on, it got easier and easier to deal with. When you get involved in other things your thoughts seem to change. Gone were the thoughts of "did he ever really love me" to "I can't believe I wasted all those years with this person." Only after the break-up could I really see the ex for what he really was.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know children really complicate the issue, because there will be contact with this man for the rest of your life, but you can do this. You will find happiness again.
Xanax or some sort of sleep aid? Not a joke. I suffer from extreme anxiety and after my best friend past I woke up every morning thinking of her. It was in August and it took till the end of April for it to stop. I literally said out loud "Amber I have to let you go, please God take these thoughts away from me", not sure if that's what happend but it worked. I still wake up with anxiety and around 4 when I wake up with thoughts I take a xanax, prescribed of course. Dr's now give non narcotic relaxers. I'm not pushing the drugs but if you are suffering from anxiety it's nothing to mess around with because it can get worse. There are a few things you can try.......Watch a peaceful movie before you go to bed, read the bible or a calming book, listen to some calming music for at least 15 minutes before bed. Make your bedtime later, or your riseing time earlier but have a sleeping pattern. Good luck, I know it's horrible but it will go away, I promise. Maybe you need a good night out where you know you are still a pretty woman to get your confidance back because I'm sure that's what got kicked in the butt. Who wouldn't be upset over that situation??? Good luck.
No matter what is happening in my life I start each day with my personal grateful list. If it's the sun beanming in my window and the sound of birds chirping, I'm grateful for that small joy too. As Bluecloud said, setting intentions really can work. If you wake and you feel yourself slipping, intend that you will have a joyous happy day filled with blessings. Find some joy. It can always be found somewhere. We just have to open up and see it with different eyes. That's not to say that wounds don't take time to heal. There's no magic pill. But bringing and seeking happiness at the start of the day can never be a bad thing.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Is there something you look at first thing when you wake up? Like maybe an alarm clock, or a window? What about putting something there to remind you of your serenity - that way, you don't have to wait till you remember to remind yourself of your program tools - at least one of them is right in front of you. It could be a picture of a stream or a beach, a copy of the serenity prayer, the phrase "joyous happy day filled with blessings" , one of those smooth rocks with the word "serenity" or "higher power" etched into it or written on it - whatever works for you.
I have several reminders like this taped above my desk - it's kind of a way of slowly absorbing new ideas for me.
Still, as others have said, the only way to the other side of the pain is through it - so I also try to remember to honor my feelings, even when I don't like them and wish I didn't have them. Writing about them, for some reason, seems to help get them out. Naming them, definitely. Out loud, if possible. You're not judging them - just stating what they are, even if it's "I feel really annoyed at myself right now for feeling so vulnerable!"
I make sure my alarm clock is set to the radio. That way the first thing that comes on is the news and usually it's someone reading the major headlines of the day. When someone is doing that I cannot focus on whatever else is giong on. I also have to focus for those few critical moments on "Oh there's a universe out there and it doesn't revolve around me!" Friendofyours also hit on something about making sure you're sleeping through the night. I have to take something to make sure I sleep through the night. If you're having trouble with that part, too, maybe talking to a professional would help.
For me I had to come to the realization that I put my A on the "alter" of my heart. He lived there above everything else, including my HP whom I choose to call God. So in following the 11 step I pray every night and every morning that my God will help me to remove him (my A) from the alter of my heart, because I know he doesn't belong there, he doesn't deserve to be there, my HP/God does.
So that's what I do. It's like by recognizing that I do have a problem with putting my A first in my thoughts, I can ask my HP/God to help me to straighten my thoughts and put things in their right place/perspective. This ties into the 3rd step for me also, it's turning my will and my life over to the care of my HP.
Time does help, there is much in this life we'd love to skip over, but we'd miss so many other things if we were allowed to do that. Hang in there.
That is funny I am dealing with the same issues myself. I haven't been happy for alone time but lately it has all come to a head in my mind and I am full of anger. Being on the message boards lets me know I am not alone in this. Sometimes I look at him and wonder what am I doing with my life it isn't what I had pictured. We need to not let them rule our life and take our life one day at a time. It is funny what the mind can do to us.
I used to have that happen all the time, now it rarely happens. I think most of these suggestions are great. Take a pill...put the radio on in the morning to distract you and have something to listen to you as you wake up...decide it's over in your mind and start taking steps to do things for yourself and your kids. By this I mean that you have to give up the delusion that he could get better and it will all work out - at least that's how it worked for me. I know with my A I was holding on to him as a plan B in my mind. Like he's always there if I just can't make it on my own. It sucks and is scary to think that you have to do all this by yourself but you have to realize that and try to make it the best it can be.
I am going back to school to make more money. If I had enough money I would go back to do something fun or meet people. I have given up on finding a man to help me support my kids. None are worthy anymore, every one I find ends up being a drunk or an addict and I'd just rather be alone than expose my kids to that one more time.
As soon as he pops into your mind think about all the other things you have to worry about that day like the bill that needs paying and the thing that needs doing for the kids and the cleaning that needs to get done etc. etc. pretty soon he won't pop up very often at all and when he does it will be brief and gone and not nearly as painful.
Just wanted you to know that I too am in that row boat !! I read all the responses to your post and will try a few things for me too.. My biggest challenge is the nights and going to sleep.. I started sleeping with the TV on so that I hear the TV first thing in the morning. Does it work ?? Sometimes, but I think time heals all wounds..
Lets keep posting and sticking tight !! Together we can get thru this... :)
I would never have imagined wakening up and NOT thinking of him. But I am glad to say...YES i do now.. And It's awesome...He doesn't stay outta my head all day. But just long enough to remind me this is MY Head. My thoughs and My life...
, one of those smooth rocks with the word "serenity" or "higher power" etched into it or written on it - whatever works for you.
