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My husband went to rehab 3 weeks ago - he said he was sick and tired of drinking. Why do I not fully believe him?? He has been drinking throughout our marriage of 22 years but last year he started drinking heavily.
During the 1st weekend while he was at rehab my 2 older children and I went to their family program to learn more about his addiction. We learned quite a bit of information in those 3 days. My sons are hoping but they still see him manipulating so they have deciede to wait and see before leaping. Me, on the other hand - can see some manipulation but he has started to share some of his feelings (never has in the past) and I want to start trusting him but the overriding fear of the receiving the silent treatment, the secrecy, the hurtful comments, the mental and emotional upheaval, etc., makes it extremely hard and when I'm not I feel guilty. I love my husband very much but feel torn between protecting myself and the children and trying to trust him. It saddens me to see the kids at ease for the past 3 weeks with him gone but is also a joyful experience to see their eyes dancing with mischief.
I have been going to AA and Alanon meetings and listening to the others talk about their experiences. I have also started reading about recovery, praying more and thanking my lucky starts that 4 of the 5 kids are doing quite well. The children and I have a great relationship as they do with each other. I know deep down we can be okay but I really want our entire family to succeed together and his drinking does not allow him to be a family member but more like a long term guest. I really miss the years of our earlier marriage and I pray and hope some of this returns.
Here's the stupid part - while my husband is sharing and saying he's sorry he asked me to throw out all the liquor (I don't drink) out of the house - we thought we had. While spring cleaning the house, the sons attacked the shed. Several unopened bottles were found and the receipt states it was bought the day he stated he was tired of drinking. When I told my husband they wanted to throw several old items out he became extremely agitated and stated for them to leave the shed alone. I never mentioned the bottles were found. We know there is probably more but I had hoped he would tell me. Told you I was stupid.
Can anyone advise - Should I wait for him to comment or should I ask him directly if there is more and where?? I am suppose to have a joint counseling session this weekend in which we state what we need for our own recovery, needs/wants, boundaries and what I understand. Should I mentioned it then?? The counselor states my husband will be spending the weekend with us immediately after the session so we could continue this "discussion." I am so mixed about him coming home even for the weekend. The children don't know yet - I have already lost 6 lbs in 2 weeks because of this emotional roller coaster and I have kept busy so I won't dwell on it but it doesn't always work.
Hi, Optimistically, I guess the fact that the bottles were unopened could be a good thing. I can't give advice but I can tell you what Alanon suggests. It would be to leave the bottles alone and "let go and let God". Allow him to dispose of them as he sees fit. If he truly is in rehab because he wants help, he will do the right thing. If he is going to drink when he gets out, he is going to drink whether those bottles are there or not.
Take a breath, step back and let him work his program while you work yours. You'll be much happier and much less stressed.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You are not stupid! Personally, I would toss all the bottles, search everywhere and make sure there was no alcohol in my house at all. But that is because alcohol has never done anything good for me in my life. Alcohol has always been a part of pain, confusion and abuse in my life and I refuse to have it in my house. I would toss it all for my own sake. When people come home from rehab they are vunerable, fragile. It takes time to adjust to the changes sobriety brings. I wouldn't think twice about protecting myself and my kids from his possible relapse. But then again, that's me, my experience. Take what you like and leave the rest. Good luck, my prayers are with you and your family.
Well, throwing out his bottles of booze does nothing to protect you - unless there are no bars or liquor stores available... We protect ourselves by monitoring our OWN actions, not those of the A.
As for whether you bring this up at the meeting - depends a lot, I think, on what you hope to accomplish. If you are expecting any useful response from him, better just to keep quiet. As Christy said - if he is serious about recovery, those bottles don't mattter. If he isn't then they don't matter anyway, because he can always get more. However, speaking out may do something for YOU. There is that lovely feeling of just speaking the truth for once, cutting through the BS and layers of deception and lies. Remember that the A is trying just as hard to fool himself as he is you - harder maybe. He can keep himself wrapped up in his blanket of denial, but you don't have to be in there with him, if you choose not to.
Really, in the end, it doesn't matter what he does. What matters is what you do - how you allow yourself to be treated, where your boundaries are, and what they are protecting. You can NOT stop him from drinking. However, you can protect yourself from the effects of his drinking. The methods you use for that depend on yoru own situation - for some of us, the only way to protect ourselves was to leave, for others, it is possible to find happiness within the marriage, with the help of alanon tools.
I just also want to say one word about sobering up - so many people here, living with an active A, pin all their hopes on sobriety. "If he would only go to rehab and stop drinking, all my problems would be solved". In my experience, that is not really so - there are still problems, they are just different ones. The solution to your pain lies within you, not in this actions, whatever they may be.
"Really, in the end, it doesn't matter what he does."
This is a part of AlAnon thinking I just don't get. It matters a great deal what he does. The health and happiness of an entire family is at stake here, and that new-found health and happiness cannot possibly be maintained if he relapses. This seems to me like, "Oh to hell with it. He is going to do what he is going to do. It doesn't matter one way or the other." Perhaps you have got your thinking to that point. But, have the kids???
Perhaps my opinion stems from the fact that I am ok with my sober A, but not with the drinking one. SO I have a long way to go...When someone announces that it "really doesn't matter," I cannot help but wonder why they don't care.
Of course you are not stupid. Your concerns are valid ones. You'll not know whether his resolve is a lasting one until it lasts!!!! I'll be thinking of you and your family, and hoping for good results.
With caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Well, since you cleaned out the shed before he asked you not to, I would go ahead and tell him that you had done it before speaking to him about it. I don't see a need to mention the bottles, he probably feels embarrassed and guilty enough.
My advice?? Nothing changed for ME and our children until I got us out of it. I had the A removed and made sure my children were FIRST priority. You know what's going on.......It is YOUR responsibility to make sure they are safe and as you said yourself you saw your children at ease while he was gone. I'm sorry, but as a mother those children deserve to be at ease at all times. I hope you get the couseling you need and I hope you do not let days pass in those children's lives. They need to feel safe in their own home.
Stupid ,no way, we have all been there, I have to agree with diva,i could,nt rest knowing the bottles were still there,i would have to take all temptation and dipose of them,he is going to need all the help he can get. this is just my 2 pence worth take care ollie x
I don't think you're stupid either. I think you're hurting. I think you're worried. I also think I'm glad you came to al anon. I'm glad you went to family workshop, and I hope some of what the councelors said made sense. If you didn't get anything, or are still feeling bogged down, call the rehab center and see if any of the councelors are willing to talk to you privately and answer some of the questions. If you feel it's necessary, maybe someone can refer you to a councelor for yourself. I'm sure also, or at least I hope, someone gave you a scedule of al anon meetings in your area. I read that you're going to them; that's fantastic! keep it up! the meetings are really helpful as you start to figure out where your life is going and what you need for yourself. Maybe al anon is something you want; maybe you need it. Some people stick with al anon; others don't. All I know is that I'm really glad you came and asked questions. My sponsor says the only stupid question is the one you don't ask. I also think, about the whole shed thing, was that your husband was probably hoping some where down the line he could drink like a social drinker. That's up to him. Staying sober and living sober are up to him. But, if you want help, now that he's gone to rehab and all, we can help you there. It's okay if you have questions and you're embarassed, or however you feel. Remember, there are no stupid questions. Only questions not asked.
The reason I feel that it doesn't matter, is that as long as we hinge our happiness on whether the A drinks or not, we stay on the roller coaster. The health and happiness of a whole family, cannot, with any sanity, depend on the actions of its sickest member.
I was never really all that bothered that my husband drank. What bothered me is that he was unreliable, manipulative, and sometimes abusive. He was more likely to behave badly when drunk, but was perfectly capable of being a jerk when sober, and of being fine when drunk. It became cleear to me, then, that the issue that was MY main concern, was how he behaved toward me and the kids. What substances were in his body at the time is pretty immaterial. Some of the worst things my husband has done to me were done when he was over a year clean and sober. Some of the nicest were done when he had a sixpack under his belt.
Alcoholics drink, that's what they do. Some, with the grace of God and enormous courage, sober up under a program and actually make some real changes in their lives. Some never do. Those of us who love them have to find a way to accept that reality, and find joy in our lives regardless.
Frankly, if my husband were to pick up again right this minute, it would sadden me, but it would not ruin my life.
Thank you one and all for answering my questions and giving me your opinions. I sat and thought about what each one of you said. Being able to talk (or write) takes a load off of me.
My husband never physically abused us but the emotional roller coaster was enough. It became such a habit that when he was sober I had no excuse for him doing it which made it feel worse.
I know I not going to search the house for bottles but if any are found then out they go. The 2 special needs girls we adopted wouldn't know the difference and might drink it.
As to the counselor at the family program the first thing he said was "I am not here for you." That only makes me worry about the conjoint session. In fact, the counselor called a few days ago trying to figure out when my husband manipulates and when he is truthful. This lets me know he's not always working the program. I know he is trying but I have to remember that bad habits are hard to erase.
I think the hardest part was writing down what my needs/wants/expectations/boundaries are and what I want from him - it's almost setting myself up for failure. In the past I have had to learn not to rely or trust him because he was unreliable and when angry use my emotions against me. For example: The other night he stated he learned about different people's characteristics. I asked him which one I was - he said controlling. I had him explain the meaning. He stated I always made sure things got done and corrected without having someone help me and then moved on to the next. So, I asked him who was I suppose to rely on to help make decisions and who was there to carry the ball, etc.?? He asked me to clarify it so I told him: It's easier to run with the ball the first time then let someone do it half-fast and having me pick up the broken ball, put it together, and then run with it. He stated he had to rethink my characteristics. Somehow I don't think that will ever happen.
I don't know if I am more worried about - being in the session with him (knowing he may manipulate it) and the counselor, or when we have to spend the entire weekend on pins and needles with him (not only about his drinking but whether anything I said is used against me later since he's famous for this. I so badly want to begin to trust him but I think it is safer not to and just wait and listen. But then I feel guilty. I can't wait for the weekend to be over.
I will continue working on my recovery, visiting this site, and learning how to not react to others or to their non-verbal cues. These last 2 weeks I have looked at myself and have started working on cleaning my mental closet too. because I am WORTHY!
You didn't cause all this. You can't control any of this. You can't cure him of this.
What you can do is slow down, breathe, and let him work his program. You mentioned trust -- for ME, I don't think it would be in my best interest to trust an alcoholic or addict. That doesn't mean I can't give encouragement and love.
Manipulation. Lies. Confusion. Chaos. Yep, that is the "M.O." surrounding the A's I know. The only way that will change, is if he changes it. People do not change overnight. Behavior is usually ingrained in a person, and it takes courage and strength and sometimes a lot of pain to change those "defects of character". That is the same for us as well as our "A". Again, we can only control ourselves, so no real use in stressing over someone else.
When it came down to it, I just needed to start taking care of me. One day at a time, I found that I could be happy, regardless of whatever crap was being tossed about. I just worry about my part -- I need to be genuine. Honest and true. It begins with me.
I'll give one little piece of advice -- when you feel overwhelmed and stressed out because your A is ...lying, manipulating, drinking, yelling, angry, sad, discontent, etc, etc... break out the bubbles or the sea salts and treat yourself to a hot bath.
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Great idea about the relaxation techniques. I have been doing relaxing and not stressing so well my boss is starting to do so too. The spring cleaning has also been uplifting too - it gives you time to throw out not only the physical stuff but the mental too. I just hope I can continue this when he comes home from rehab.
I also remind myself when he calls and thinks only of himself and doesn't want to hear about the kids, etc. that I am lucky to have them and although I am sad he can't experience it - it's his relationship with them not mine. It's also not my job to worry about his relationships with the kids. The kids are quite smart especially the older boys - they want to see continuous actions and not words before they leap.
With all of ya'll assisting I am no longer worried about Saturday. This is my opportunity to tell him what my needs, boundaries, etc. are and if he can't accept it - oh well. I also know that I am determined to stay focus on me and the kids first, support him working on his program, continue to love him but I, too, want to see before I trust.
Thanks again everyone. I know I may have some rough moments later but I will not think about tomorrow or the next until it arrives.
